Of Dorks and Blockheads
by Ballz Mahoney
Summary: Once again the Peanuts gang is forced to go to summer camp. This year however they are forced to attend the same camp as a group of kids from a certain cul-de-sac. Obviously things don't get off to a good start.
1. Chapter 1

Of Dorks and Blockheads

by Sean Mahoney

They're from the Cul-de-sac, Charlie Brown!

It was a bright and early summer day; the sun was still rising and there was a nice warm breeze to greet any who would be up early. Four young teenagers, around 13 years old on average, were about a block away from their local middle school which they were approaching rapidly.

The two females of the group were briskly walking ahead of their male counterparts, excited to reach their destination. The older of the two girls had dark black hair and was reasonably taller than the other. She was wearing a sky blue dress and white shoes, which was comfortable enough in the early summer weather. She was fairly pretty, though her normally stern face could easily scare anybody away. In fact, Lucy van Pelt was one of the most feared girls...nay...people in her entire town. Her temper was the stuff of legends, as was the short fuse that could set it off. Luckily she was in a rather complacent mood as she chatted with her friend. The younger girl wore a similar dress as Lucy, though it was pink with black dots scattered around it rather than blue. She had bright blond hair which she kept curly in the front and straight in the back. This girl was none other than Sally Brown and seemed happy enough to be walking towards the school; a rare sight to behold, indeed given her usual insistence to avoid school at any cost.

As Sally and Lucy cheerfully made their way to the school, their respective brothers: Charlie Brown and Linus van Pelt, lagged behind, carrying both their own and their sister's considerable luggage. The older boy, Charlie Brown, certainly looked much less enthusiastic than his sister. Indeed, the expression on his face was down right depressing. Granted, this was nothing new for Charlie Brown, who incidentally was the tallest of the group. He was at least dressed for a warm summer's day, with his yellow t-shirt (complete with black zigzag) and shorts. He was wearing his favorite white baseball cap to protect his rather large and underexposed head from the sun. Charlie Brown did have hair, but it was so thin that it could really only be called honorary hair. Linus, the younger of the boys, was equally burdened by the luggage, but at least seemed a little more excited about what was going on compared to Charlie Brown. Linus was a good bit shorter than hist friend and sported a red t-shirt with black stripes. His head was less...round...than Charlie's and he had a head of messy, stringy, black hair. Despite all the luggage he was carrying, he managed to drag a sky blue blanket behind him as he followed the girls towards the school.

As they were walking, Charlie Brown moaned to his friend, "Why did I ever agree to going to camp this year? Every summer I go to camp and every summer it turns out to be a disaster!"

Linus smiled and replied, "I bet you that this year is going to be different Charlie Brown. We're going to a new camp." Linus lowered his voice and snuck his friend a devilish grin, "I heard that there is barely any adult supervision at this camp! We're going to be able do whatever we want!"

Charlie Brown still didn't buy it, he rolled his eyes, "Linus haven't you noticed that there never is any adult supervision? They don't care what we do; it's not going to be any different from any other year."

Linus shook his head, "You know Charlie Brown, maybe if you made pretend that you were having a good time, you'll trick yourself into actually believing you were having fun."

Lucy, overhearing her brother, chimed in, "Charlie Brown has to be chronically miserable Linus; if he's happy it'll upset the natural balance of things. It might cause a rip in the space time continuum; reality itself will be threatened!"

Sally gasped and looked at Lucy nervously, "Really Lucy?"

Charlie Brown groaned at his sister's ignorance as the party of four finally arrived at the parking lot of the middle school, where the bus to camp was parked.

Charlie Brown scanned the parking lot where some of his other classmates who were going to camp were waiting around. He saw his acquaintance Schroeder, a blond boy who was generally considered better look than him or Linus, arguing with the bus driver over allowing him to bring his toy piano to camp. Schroeder was something of a protegee with his instrument; often bordering on obsession. Over the years Schroeder had grown someone away from the rest of the group; they just didn't share the same interests. When Charlie Brown did see him it was usually because Lucy managed to drag him along to something which seemed to be the case with camp.

Whereas Schroeder was rather polished and well dressed, the other boy who Charlie Brown saw was an utter mess. That of course would be Pig-Pen, who seemed to walk around with a permanent dust cloud around him. The dust notwithstanding; his stained overalls, unkempt hair, and ratty shoes suggested that Pig-Pen didn't think much of appearances. Charlie Brown envied that attitude: Pig-Pen could let any insult bounce right off of him while Charlie Brown would let them eat away at his very soul.

Standing under the awning of the school were the two arguably most attractive girls around: Violet and Patty. They were certainly the most popular girls in the school and they knew how to flaunt their status. Violet had straight black hair in a ponytail and a rather nice green dress while Patty was a lighter toned brunette with a small blue bow in her hair. The two of them were looking at Pig-Pen disdainfully; they didn't approve his lack of cleanliness. While Pig-Pen was a frequent target of their scorn, they still liked to focus most of their hatred on Charlie Brown, who they considered a creepy and ugly loser. He made a mental note to stay as far away from them as possible.

"Chuck! Over here!", a loud and slightly raspy female voice called out. The nickname 'Chuck' was enough for him to know that his friend Peppermint Patty was calling for him. She was probably the tallest person in the parking lot and was a slightly awkward looking girl. One look at her and you could tell she was a tomboy: with her baseball shorts and sandals. She also sported freckles, stringy brown hair, and a slightly large nose that she was self-conscious about. Peppermint Patty was a close friend of his from a school across town. Some people, namely Linus, would tell Charlie Brown that she had a crush on him, but he didn't buy it. She waved excitedly for him to come over to her.

He looked over to Sally and signaled that he was going over to talk to her; Sally without turning to acknowledge him curtly replied, "You just better not forget to get all my luggage on the bus."

Charlie Brown, dragging both his and Sally's luggage with him made his way over to Peppermint Patty while Linus went off to the bus and endeavored to get all of his and (mostly) Lucy's stuff onto it. Peppermint Patty looked at her friend and sighed, "Your sister has got you wrapped around her little finger huh? That's pretty pathetic, Chuck. You need some more backbone!"

"I don't know sir, I think Charles is just being a gentleman" a much more soft spoken voice interjected. Charlie Brown saw that Peppermint Patty's shy and rather bookish friend Marcie was here as well. Marcie was a good deal shorter than Patty and was a bit more feminine than her friend; though she did wear her black hair rather short and had thick glasses which some of the other girls (namely Violet and Patty) held against her. Charlie Brown had heard similar rumors about Marcie liking him, akin to the one's about Peppermint Patty. He just couldn't see why either girl would like him, he didn't think he had anything going for him. He thought that Marcie was just trying to be nice, which was something he thought that she was an expert at.

Charlie Brown smiled, "Good to see both of you guys, I guess they decided to merge our schools together for the sake of the trip?"

Peppermint Patty nodded, "Yeah, looks like the only people from my school going was me and Marcie."

"That's Marcie and I sir." Marcie corrected.

Peppermint Patty groaned in annoyance, "It's summer vacation! Enough with the grammar nonsense Marcie! And stop calling me sir." She shook her head, "Where was I? Oh yeah, it wouldn't make sense for them to send a bus for just the two of us."

Marcie sighed, "Three of us, sir."

Charlie Brown raised an eyebrow, "Who else from your school is coming to camp? Franklin?"

Marcie shook her had and pointed to a boy storming down the parking lot to the bus, "No, him."

The boy was a good deal shorter than anybody else, even than the significantly younger Sally. He seemed to wear a permanent scowl on his face and had long thick brown hair with rather obnoxious sideburns. Nobody was particularly pleased to see him; Thibault was a notorious bully and sexist.

"Out of my way four eyes!" he shoved past Marcie as he made his way to the bus. He stopped and looked at her, "Why would a dumb broad like you even bother with going to camp? Taming the great out door's is a man's job!" Marcie quietly backed away from him while Patty began to grind her teeth in anger.

Charlie Brown really didn't want there to be a fight before they even got on the bus and meekly tried to reason, "Do you really need to do this today? We're just trying to-".

Thibault glared at him and interrupted, "Just shut it baldy! Sheesh you look like a stinking cancer patient." It was no secret that Thibault an inexplicable hatred for Charlie Brown. Somewhere down the line he got the impression that Charlie Brown thought he was superior to him. Peppermint Patty nearly lunged for him; she would have actually done so had Charlie Brown not told her that he wasn't worth her time. Thibault laughed, "I'm going to run this stinking camp; you losers are going to wish you were in hell!" and walked off.

Patty shook her head and glared as Thibault got on the bus, "I can't stand that jerk!"

Marcie just sighed, "This is just one of the many reasons I told you that I didn't want to go to camp. One of the others being not wanting to deal with that creepy Floyd kid constantly declaring his love for me and calling me things like 'Lambcake'."

Patty replied, "But Marcie, we're going to a new camp this year, he's not going to be there."

Her bespectacled friend responded dryly, "They closed down our old camp because they forget to check for asbestos for about a decade. There's a good chance Floyd will be at this camp."

Charlie Brown with a groan added, "Plus Linus confirmed that we're going to be going with both a Peach Creek and Lemon Brook Junior High. That means we're going to be forced to meet new people which means that there's going to be more people to hate me."

Peppermint Patty rolled her eyes, "You both are such freaking nerds. C'mon guys, let's get on the bus. Why don't you guys actually try to enjoy yourselves this year?" Charlie Brown and Marcie shrugged and followed Peppermint Patty on the bus.

Once they entered the bus, it took a few minutes for the bus driver to do roll call before leaving. As that was going on a white beagle and yellow bird popped out from one of the school's bushes and hopped up on the bus's back bumper. He produced some rope that he used to fasten himself and the bird to the bumper and smiled. The dog took out a book with some rabbits on the cover and began to read through it with his avian companion as the bus finally took off.

…...

At that same time, miles away, three young teenage boys were making their way to Peach Creek Junior High. At first glance, one would certainly notice the tallest boy, Ed, carrying a pile of luggage on his back like a donkey, smiling the whole time. Ed was a good head or two taller than most kids his age and seemed to have a large flat head with a distinct mono-brow. He wore a striped red and white shirt with a green jacket over it. He was a very simple fellow that thoroughly enjoyed doing the grunt work for his friend Eddy, who was a walking juxtaposition to big Ed.

Eddy was walking in front of his two friends, not carrying any luggage (he left that to Ed). Eddy had a certain swagger to his step, he was a man who was all about appearances; even if everyone else just thought that he appeared to be a conceited wannabee loser. Eddy was about as short as Ed was tall in comparison to a normal boy his age; he was also somewhat chubby. He normally sported a yellow shirt that looked straight out of a bowling league and took great pride in his three long strands of hair.

The third boy was of average height compared to his two companions, but was certainly much weaker than them. He was lagging behind his friends, struggling to drag a rather modest suitcase behind him. Eddward, Edd for short, and Double D to his friends...and pretty much anyone else, was a lanky boy with almost zero muscle to him. He was overall a rather meek and shy individual who dressed simply: an orange t shirt and purple shorts. What stood out most about him was the unfortunate gap between his two front teeth and the black ski cap that he wore on his head to cover his hair. Whatever he was hiding under there was a mystery to everybody in his neighborhood. A mystery that he would protect to the point of violence.

"This is going to be great boys!" Eddy enthusiastically proclaimed to his friends, "Apparently we're going to camp with some kids from this place called Birchwood! With a name like that they're sure to be suckers. We'll take them for every cent!" Eddy's eyes lit up with the prospect of all the cash he and his friends could make as well as the potential jawbreakers they could buy.

Double D could already tell that Eddy was going to be nigh impossible to deal with. Though he was his best friend, Double D knew that Eddy was both incredibly greedy and desperate for attention. It was these traits that had alienated the Eds from the other kids in the neighborhood and Double D was hoping that going to camp and meeting new people would allow for a blank slate. He pleaded to Eddy, "Just this once, can we please lay off all of these infernal scams of yours? We have a chance to meet new people, for once we just may not be the pariahs that we usually are!"

Ed's face lit up after hearing Double D speak, "But pariahs are so cool! Like one time I was watching this movie and this pariah came back from the dead and had an army of undead mummies who attacked the all girls archeology university." Ed stopped walking and smiled for a moment before yelling out happily, "It was rated R!"

Eddy grinned, Ed had a one track mind. To Ed things were either meant to be consumed or they were meant to be destroyed. It was no wonder why the kid was so obsessed with science fiction. He was also incredibly obedient to Eddy, which was useful in situations where Double D's pesky sense of morality threatened to interfere with his plans. "Yeah see Double D, pariahs get hot female archeologists." Eddy had an image of a certain blond girl he knew dressed up like she was ready for a dig. He muttered, "I could certainly tolerate that."

Double D rolled his eyes and muttered, "I'm surrounded by idiots." He then raised his voice so his friends would hear him, "You gentlemen realize that Ed is most likely referring to a pharaoh: an ancient Egyptian priest-king. A pariah is somebody who is despised or rejected by the rest of society: an outcast." He then shouted, "AS IN US!" He took one hand off his luggage to point to himself, unfortunately this caused him to lose his balance and he tripped and fell. To add more injury to injury his suitcase fell on top of him, pinning him to the ground. Try as he might, he was unable to budge it off of him with his scrawny arms. Both Ed and Eddy stopped walking to look at their comrade's plight. Ed stood there with a blank smile on his face while Eddy was cracking up. Double D sheepishly pleaded, "Assistance please?"

Once he finished laughing, Eddy slyly grinned at Double D, evidently Double D's physical weakness was somehow justification to not bring up his friend's rather legitimate concerns. He beckoned to Ed, "Alright Ed, carry that suitcase for Sockhead. We wouldn't want him pulling his back out before we can begin with the scamming."

Ed gleefully nodded and picked up Double D's suitcase with one hand, much to the embarrassment of Double D. Ed laughed as he stacked Double D's luggage atop of his own and Eddy's and then started to run ahead of the other two boys, chuckling, "HERE COMES THE ED TRAIN!"

Eddy snickered at Ed's latest bout of energy and put his arm on Double D's shoulder, "You gotta love that big lummox, eh Sockhead?"

Double D nudged out of Eddy's arm and continued walking towards the school, "Let's just get this over with Eddy." The three boys arrived at the school a few moments later, where a bunch of other kids from their cul-de-sac were gathered.

"Oh great, here comes the dorks!", an angry boy in a red baseball cap and a green shirt groaned. Kevin was just one of the numerous kids on the block who couldn't stand the Eds. He was something of a bully to be sure, but one could also see why he'd be so hostile to them; Eddy's constant scamming was bound to make anybody angry.

Eddy grinned as he walked over to Kevin, "Hey shovel chin, looking forward to our summer together?"

Eddy stared at Kevin in a manner which made the jock's blood boil. "You little scab, I aught to-!" Kevin was about to lunge at Eddy but a firm pull on his arm by his friend, the incredibly attractive blond known as Nazz, was enough to give him pause.

"Come on Kevin," she pleaded, "just try to be nice. We aren't even at camp yet." Kevin wasn't happy, but he grudgingly obliged the blond. Though she was often put off by the antics of the Eds, she at least tried to accept, or at least tolerate, them as much as possible. It was no secret that almost every male in the cul-de-sac was head over heels in love with the girl and they tended to do whatever she said. Luckily she was overall a rather kind person so her considerable clout was not often abused.

The three Eds, not noticing that Nazz had been with Kevin, began to sweat profusely and turn beat red when she turned to them and smiled, "Glad to see you boys here. Hope we all have a good time at camp." She winked at them as she walked off leaving Eddy to mumble to himself , "Hello Nazz", Double D to stare blankly at her with a forlorn smile on his face, and Ed to just giggle to himself about how pretty she was.

Kevin threatened them as he followed her, "You dorks better not come near me in our barracks."

As the two walked off, Eddy immediately snapped out of his daze and turned to his friends, with a smug look on his face, "Oh yeah boys, I can just feel it. I'm hooking up with Nazz this summer!"

Double D, amused, asked his friend, "How do you plan on doing that? Using the same smooth moves that you tried on your last date?"

Eddy grimaced in anger while Ed, confused, asked for clarification, "But Double D, I thought Nazz was babysitting Eddy that time?"

Eddy shouted, "That's the point you lump!"

Double D suppressed a laugh, "C'mon Eddy, maybe Nazz will put you to bed again."

Eddy, now seething with anger, retorted, "Oh like you'd ever have a chance with her Sockhead!"

Double D, getting a little defensive reminded Eddy, "You forget about that misguided scam to turn Ed into a monster. When we were in that tree house and everyone though they would die she kissed me. As well as let's not forget who got to dance with her at that dance you made us go to."

Eddy was thinking of something nasty to respond with but was interrupted by Ed blurting out, "Nazz is so great guys! She's like the Doctor Octopus to my Mr. Spock!"

Double D was about to inquire what that could have possibly meant but all three boys were interrupted by the sound of an angry and shrill voice. One that could only come from a baby sister, "You three are morons! Do you really think Nazz would go out with any of you weirdos?" Eddy groaned when he heard that voice which belong to Sarah, a younger girl in a pink shirt and jeans. She had orange hair, big lips, and a bigger mouth to match. She was a fierce girl, sometimes nothing more that a dirty spoiled brat. Worst of all though, she was Ed's younger sister and had her poor brother at her beck and call.

Double D smiled at her and greeted, "Salutations Sarah, glad to see that you'll be joining us at this camp." The smart Ed boy knew that Sarah harbored a crush on him, and while he was unsure of his feelings towards her, he knew to always play it safe around her. However her crush only manifested when she was in a good mood, which now was certainly not the case.

She jumped up and grabbed Ed's collar, shouting in his face, "Ed you moron! You were supposed to wait up with me! Mom told you to carry our luggage!"

Ed began to sweat and pleaded, "Come on Sarah, Eddy wanted me to leave with him so we could-"

She screamed at him, spitting in his face, "I don't care what that no necked chump wanted! Look what happened to Jimmy!" She pointed to her friend who was not too far off. He was a petite and feminine looking boy with curly hair and a large retainer that went around his face in a similar manner as Saturn's rings. He was slumped over an average looking suitcase, seemingly dying of exhaustion.

"Oh when will the torment end?" he weakly asked the heavens.

Eddy began to laugh as he pointed at Jimmy, "Look at him! Afraid you're going to break a nail Jimmy?" He nudged Double D, "Hey, at least you aren't as big a wuss as him."

Double D shook his head and whispered to his short friend, "Do you really need to act like this all the time?"

Sarah took Jimmy by the arm and grabbed his bag, glaring at the Eds, "Come on Jimmy, let's get out of here. We don't need to deal with these morons."

As they walked up, Jimmy stuck his nose out at them and muttered, "Brutes."

Double D sighed, he knew he himself was never exactly a very popular or likable person, but he couldn't help but wonder if he would at least be marginally accepted if it wasn't for Eddy constantly burning the Ed's collective bridges. He thought to himself, _Eddy sure knows how to take the self out of self-destruction. _ Double D watched as Sarah and Jimmy got on the bus, followed by Johnny 2x4 and Plank. Johnny was something of an outsider himself. He was occasionally teased for the massive size of his bald head and his rather eccentric personality. Of course what stood out most was the plank of wood that he carried with him and talked to at all times, aptly named Plank. Double D admitted that the creepy face drawn on in marker creeped him out sometimes and though it defied all rational thought, he sometimes did have to wonder if there was more to Plank than just Johnny's imagination.

A final, refreshingly jovial voice, interrupted Double D's thoughts, "Oh ho! It seems that meek-as-a-mouse Jimmy needs some toughening up if he is to survive our foray into the great outdoors! Am I correct Ed boys?" The final kid in their neighborhood was Rolf, a foreign boy of mysterious origins. He was one of the tallest kids around and oddly enough sported blue hair (there was one other girl who Double D knew with that hair color; luckily she was no where to be seen) Double D narrowed his country of origin down to somewhere in Northern Europe, but one can not be sure. It was difficult pinpointing Rolf's culture. They were obviously agriculturally based, given Rolf's status as a son of a Shepard and his constant tending to his family's livestock and crops. His culture also seemed to place a heavy emphasis on fish. To the point of it almost being worship. Almost. Rolf had a habit of bringing in his odd customs to those of the cul-de-sac, though he was doing a fairly decent job of adapting to suburban life. He slapped Ed on the back, "Is nincompoop ready to brave the great outdoors!"

Ed grinned, "Oh yeah Rolf! I ate three bowls of Chunky Puffs this morning!" Rolf heartily laughed and let the 'Ed Boys' be. He was one of the few kids who was constantly willing to give the Ed's a chance. The problem was his 'chances' usually were either intertwined with his culture or hard labor. Rolf did not take well to both insulting his culture and failure. Rolf also had no qualms in punishing such indiscretions with brute force.

Eddy grumbled, "That guy is so weird."

Double D sighed, he was about to give Eddy another lecture on cultural difference, but decided against that. He merely cocked his head to the bus and muttered, "Let's just get on the bus, gentlemen."

…...

It had only been twenty minutes into the bus before the girls sitting in the back of the bus, Violet and Patty namely, started to attempt to lead others in singing songs meant to demean Charlie Brown such as their chart topping hit from a few years back: Failure Face. Although Lucy, who was sitting behind her brother and Charlie Brown with Sally, was less inclined to make his life completely miserable compared to her earlier years, she couldn't help but partake in singing along, seeing as she helped write it in the first place.

"_You never do anything right, you never put anything in its place. No wonder everyone calls you, Failure Face!"_

Linus, who was sitting next to Charlie Brown, attempted to console him, "Well at least they haven't thought of any new material, right?"

Charlie Brown stared at his friend and frowned, "Yeah, there's always that...".

Peppermint Patty, who was sitting across from them with Marcie (who was blissfully unaware of her surroundings, opting to put on her headphones and listen to her music after about five minutes of hearing Peppermint Patty talk about how excited she was for camp), cluelessly asked, "Wait, they're singing about you Chuck?"

Charlie Brown and Linus both stared at her in disbelief for a moment before Chuck deadpanned, "Yes Patty, they are indeed singing about me."

She immediately began to grind her teeth and stood up from her seat, "Figures! I'll be one second guys. I'm going to belt those no good b-".

Charlie Brown jumped from his seat and grabbed her arm, "Patty don't!" She instantly looked at his hand which caused Charlie Brown to realize what he had just done. He went completely red.

Peppermint Patty smugly grinned at him and cooed, "You touched my arm Chuck? You trying to tell me something you sly devil you?"

Linus watched his friend begin to stutter as Peppermint Patty laughed at him. He shook his head and thought to himself, _Great, we aren't even at camp and their awkward sexual tension has already started._ He watched as his friend thoughtlessly turned one of Patty's compliments into an insult towards himself and thought, _I don't know what's worse, how utterly blunt she is or how utterly clueless he is._ As Linus was thinking how pathetic the sight of the two of them perpetuating their...whatever you'd call their relationship...he felt a presence from above him. He tilted his head upwards to see his best friend's sister, Sally, smiling down at him from the seat behind. With zero enthusiasm he greeted her, "Oh, hello Sally. I see you are...staring at me."

She grinned, "Oh I've just been thinking about how much fun we're going to have at camp together! I heard this place is great, they have all these different events for us to do...together."

Linus grinned at her and said, "Oh yeah, maybe we could check out all the different types of manure they have on display."

She gushed at hearing that, "Ooooh! Manure sounds so...French! How romantic Linus." Charlie Brown hit his head on the seat in front of him, in awe of his sister's stupidity. Sally turned to Lucy and gloated, "You hear that Lucy, my sweet babboo is taking me to see manure!"

Linus instinctively shouted, "I'm not your sweet babboo!"

Lucy, compressing a laugh, replied, "Oh that's really swell for you two. I'm sure you'll really be able to sense the sweet aroma of love. As for me, I'm gonna wait until the Midsummer Couple's Dance near the end of camp. I'm sure a certain someone will ask me to it, if he knows what's good for him." She glared over at Schroeder who quickly turned his head away from her as she spoke.

Linus raised an eyebrow, "But it'd be well past the traditional Midsummer if they do it late into camp."

Peppermint Patty interrupted, "Aw who cares about when it is Linus! All I know is that it's going to rock! I love barbeques!"

Lucy stared at her and asked, "You do know what the difference between a dance and a barbeque is, right?"

Sally swooned, "Oh forget the dance!" She then turned to Linus, "Not you though!" and continued, "I heard that they are going to hire some outside carnival on the last day for a big celebration! How cool is that? I bet my sweet babboo will take me on the Ferris Wheel!"

"I'm not your sweet babboo! And I wouldn't take you to the little teacup ride!" He paused and began to feel sick, "Oh good grief how I hate those teacups!"

Charlie Brown was pleasantly surprised hearing about the carnival, "Wow, I haven't heard anything about a carnival, maybe this trip won't be as bad as I thought."

Peppermint Patty elbowed him and laughed, "As long as you don't start talking about how your dad let girls lock him out of his car like the last time we went, eh Chuck?"

The other kids stared at them, Charlie Brown sighed and groaned, "It's a long story. Back when Snoopy ran away to live with Lila that one time. Let's just drop it please?"

Lucy, grinning, tapped Charlie Brown on the head and stated, "Besides Charlie Brown, if they do bring a carnival, I'd be much more worried about the Mondo Whaler getting you!"

Charlie Brown and Peppermint Patty looked at her nervously while Linus groaned, "Just ignore her guys, she's talking about something stupid she saw online."

Lucy snorted, "With that kind of attitude you'll be the first to go! The Mondo Whaler apparently is this psychopathic man-child who works at some amusement park on the coast. Apparently he gets kids separated from their parents and beats the pulp out of them!" She punched her fist in the palm of her hand just to make Charlie Brown slightly more nervous.

Peppermint Patty looked at Lucy skeptically, "Why in the world would he do that? It doesn't make sense."

Lucy shrugged, "He's a carnie freak! Who knows what he's thinking."

Linus shook his head, "This is utterly ridiculous Lucy. Even if he did attack a kid, he would have been arrested so quickly that it he wouldn't know what hit him. Plus the media would be all over this kind of thing. And no self respecting amusement park would hire such a lunatic after he gets out of his inevitable jail-time.

Lucy gave a twisted smile, "That would be true, if he got caught. He threatens the kids not to tell anybody because if he does, he'll do something much worse."

Charlie Brown thought about some insane sociopath wrecking havoc on the camp and shuddered. Lucy laughed at him, "Oh brother! You really are gullible Charlie Brown! If this clown did exist you'd be such a mess!"

Peppermint Patty glared at her, "That really wasn't funny Lucille...".

Lucy rolled her eyes, "You guys are no fun at all."

…...

"Alright so how about this? We charge kids to take their luggage to the barracks! Easy money right? You saw how Lumpy managed to carry all of our stuff to the bus. This plan can't fail!" Eddy motioned towards Ed, who was sitting across from him and Double D on the bus. Given Ed's energetic nature, they both thought it best if he had his own seat.

"CAR!" Ed was currently playing a rousing game of spot the car with himself.

Double D, pleasantly surprised, replied, "That's rather mundane compared to your usual fare Eddy, which I'm perfectly fine with mind you." He thought to himself, "If this goes well though can you please promise me that we abandon doing such scams; at least until we get a chance to meet and get to know the kids from the other school?"

Eddy shook his head stubbornly, "Uh-uh, no dice Double D."

"But why Eddy? We have a chance to finally-"

Ed cut him off, "Guys! I just saw the car from _Back to the Future!_"

Double D, perked up excitedly, "A DeLorean? Why I didn't think they still made those."

Ed shook his head, "No, not the doc's car, the van used by the Libyan terrorists!"

Eddy growled, "That's really great Ed! Why don't you keep watching for terrorists!" He turned to Double D, "You know darn well why Double D! My brother got his job back at Mondo A-Go Go! I could have spent the whole summer going there for free! All the rides and free food a guy could ask for. Plus my brother said there were some pretty cute girls working there." Double D rolled his eyes, "But NO! My stinking parents HAD to have their dumb 25th anniversary this summer. They booked a stinking cruise around the Pacific and left me to rot in this stupid camp. If I'm wasting my summer here, then I'm at least making as much money as possible! No questions asked!"

Double D sighed, "Whatever you say Eddy." He knew it was never worth it to argue with him, especially about anything that involved his brother in anyway. According to Eddy, his older brother was the coolest guy around who taught Eddy everything he knew about scamming. Eddy adored him and the other kids were also torn between adoration and absolute fear. Double D had never met him, but he had plenty of experience as collateral damage in a bunch of pranks that Eddy's Brother had played on Eddy from afar...wherever he was. Double D therefore didn't think so highly of him.

…...

It took another two hours, but eventually the insulting songs by Violet and Lucy's attempts to scare him came to a halt as the bus arrived at its destination. By all accounts it looked like a standard camp. There was something of an open cul-de-sac surrounded by the various cabins: which consisted of the boy's and girl's respective barracks, the administration building, and the mess hall. The buildings in turn were surrounded by woods. There were two pathways in the woods, one which lead to a more open field which was used for various recreation sports and the other leading to a moderately sized lake. Charlie Brown looked out the window and saw that the bus from the other school, the mysterious Peach Creek Junior High, was parked next to theirs.

"Here goes nothing", he groaned to Linus.

Linus smiled and patted his friend on the back, "Here at camp you got a clean slate, Charlie Brown. There's no reason for these kids not to like you."

Charlie Brown rolled his eyes in disbelief and got off the bus. Peppermint Patty tapped Marcie, who by this time had dosed off, on the shoulder, "Come on Marcie we're at camp." She them muttered, "I thought I was the one who was supposed to be doing all the sleeping."

Marcie yawned and then gave a tiny smile, "Ah, that was a quick ride, eh sir?"

Meanwhile on the other bus, Eddy had finished reminding his two friends about their first scam here at camp. "Remember, we're focusing on those Birchwood kids, forget about these suckers. They won't bite for something as simple as taking their luggage."

Double D shook his head and muttered, "Our one idea that I feel everyone would be game to do."

Ed widely grinned and shouted, "RING A LING DING! HERE COMES THE BELLHOP!" and he ran down the aisle of the bus, knocking both Kevin and Nazz over as he barreled past.

Eddy, laughing, shouted as he tried to keep up, "Calm down there lumpy!" As he ran down the aisle, he 'accidentally' stepped on Kevin's head, sarcastically apologizing, "Sorry about that, shovel-chin."

Double D knew that nothing good would come from what had just transpired, and nervously attempted to edge his way past the fallen Kevin. Unfortunately Kevin was not as winded as he had though and quickly risen to grab Double D by the collar. Kevin sneered at Double D who looked at Kevin in absolute terror, "We haven't even gotten off the bus and you dorks have already pissed me off beyond measure!"

Double D began to sweat. He started apologizing profusely, "Kevin, you have every right to be mad. The reckless behavior of my two companions is nothing short of deplorable and I can assure you that I'll take every possible measure to -".

Kevin cut him off, "Can it Double Dweeb! I went to this stupid camp so I wouldn't have to deal with you loser Eds making all our lives miserable. But no, you dorks had to come along anyway. I swear this is ending right now." Kevin then swiftly jabbed the terrified Ed in the stomach with his fist. Double D's eyes bulged and teared up. Had Kevin not been holding him up by the collar he would have collapsed in a heap on the floor. "I don't want to deal with any more garbage from you dorks, got it?"

"Kevin stop!" Nazz, who looked utterly disgusted, demanded. "Double D didn't even do anything."

Kevin grinned at Double D, "You know how these Eds are Nazz, they're a package deal. They are all to blame. Besides, don't worry, I'll be sure to give the other two a good thrashing as well."

Double D grimaced and braced himself for another swift rush of pain to his gut but was shocked to hear Nazz shriek, "I said stop NOW Kevin!" Kevin begrudgingly obliged and dropped the scrawny boy to ground. Nazz glared at the jock and pointed to the bus's door, "Get out of here now! I don't want to talk to you until you grow up a little!"

Kevin pleaded, "But Nazz...", she just intensified her glare, "Fine, fine", he turned to Double D, "I'm not going to forget this, dork!"

As Kevin stormed off the bus he heard Nazz beginning to tend to Double D. His blood began to boil, _That puny little dweeb is now scoring sympathy points with her! This is garbage, she's going to be miffed at me for a while._ He stepped onto the camp grounds and took a look around. Most of the other kids were already busy bringing their stuff to the barracks. He saw one guy with a literal dust cloud trailing him enter, which prompted Kevin to groan, "I'm not getting stuck with that guy as a bunk-mate." He looked towards the center of the camp and saw Eddy was already trying to pull one his lame-brain scams on the kids from the other school. Knowing Nazz would get angrier at him, as well as figuring that as long as Eddy targeted these other kids it wasn't his problem, he turned to ignore him.

He saw that Johnny was already running around with Plank, yelling about the great outdoors. "What a freak." What he saw next really left him speechless however, a blond boy from the other bus was carrying a small piano across the camp towards the barracks. He shook his head and muttered, "2x4 ain't the only freak around here I guess." He scanned the area and thought to himself,_ Between that piano guy and that slob I only imagine how scarce the babe population is going to be_ _on that bus_. He saw a round headed kind with a yellow shirt who looked like he was having a heart attack standing next to some wide-eyed kid wearing a blanket, _More freaks._ Next to them was a rather slender and feminine looking guy with stringy hair and a big nose hanging out with what he assumed was his girlfriend, a nerdy girl with glasses. _Is that it? That geek girl is the only chick on that bus?_ With some disappointment, he turned and walked towards the boy's barracks, ignoring Eddy hawking his services.

"Hey, you friends with that little short kid over there?" a female voice suddenly asked of him. Kevin turned towards the direction of the girl's barracks to see two rather attractive girls leaning against the wall. One of them, the brunette, was filing her nails while the black haired girl in the ponytail was smirking at him.

Kevin, "Dorky over there? No way!"

The black haired girl, Violet, sighed, "Well somebody should really tell him to stop with whatever he's doing. He's making a total fool of himself."

Kevin nodded, "Tell me about it. Eddy and his two stooges are always pulling crap like that. We're all really sick of them. Their names are Ed, Edd, and Eddy. Two bodacious girls like you would definitely want to stay away from them" he paused, "though from the looks of things, you guys seem to have your fair share of dorks as well."

The brunette, Patty, nodded, "Oh yeah. Most of the guys here are neurotic messes."

Kevin smirked, "Like that piano guy?"

Patty shook her head, "Actually, he's one of the cooler ones. He's pretty good too."

Violet interrupted, "It isn't just the guys that are weirdos. You'll want to stay away from some of the girls too. There's this one, Lucy, who _will_ destroy you if you get on her bad side."

A chill went down Kevin's spine, he instantly thought of the three terrible harpies that plagued both his friends as well as the Eds back at the cul-de-sac. Thankfully they weren't present.

Patty said, somewhat nervously, "I wouldn't call Lucy a dork, Violet. She's a bully and a hag. But dork? Don't let her hear you say that."

Kevin scoffed, "You girls are afraid of this Lucy, huh? Well tell you what, should you get in trouble with her, you just come to me. I'll protect you."

The two girls immediately turned around and began to giggle. Patty asked in a whisper, "This guy is serious huh?"

Violet replied, "He's already wrapped around our figure, we didn't even have to do anything."

They turned around and Violet cooed, "Oh that sounds just fine."

Kevin grinned, "Righteous. Come on girls, let me introduce you to some of the more normal kids from my town."

Patty nodded, "Lead the way...I'm sorry what's your name?"

"Kevin."

Patty smiled and extended her hand, "Charmed, the name's Patty."

Violet did similarly, "And I'm Violet."

Kevin smirked and thought, _This is so sweet. Who cares what Nazz thinks now! I got two hot chicks hanging around me._ Violet spoke up again, "By the way Kevin, we should probably tell you about some of the other dorks we know. Most specifically this guy named..."

…...

"Charlie Brown!" Lucy yelled, storming off the bus, "You are in so much trouble!"

Sally joined in, "I can't believe you big brother! Mom and dad are going to be furious!"

Charlie Brown sighed, "What did I do now?"

Sally pointed at the backside of the bus, "Look!"

Charlie Brown stared, mouth agape, as white beagle with sunglasses donned, was strutting from the back of the bus with his avian companion, Woodstock.  
Charlie Brown rushed over to him, "Snoopy! What do you think you're doing here? I told you that you had to stay home! They don't want any dogs at camp!" Charlie Brown began to panic, "Oh, what am I going to do! I can't just send him home, but what if they catch him? Ugh..." Charlie Brown had spent too much time thinking to himself however and noticed that Snoopy was already halfway across camp, kissing the hand of a very annoyed Sarah.

"What the heck? Who's dog is this!"

_Oh no!_ Charlie Brown rushed over and began to apologize to the young redhead, "I'm so sorry, he's just very friendly and wants to meet..." Charlie Brown then noticed that he was standing in front of a rather large group of people. Of course there was the irritable Sarah, as well as a tall kid with blue hair who seemed angry, an athletic boy in a red cap, and smirking at him: Violet and Patty.

Sarah pushed Snoopy away from her, causing him to knock Charlie Brown over, "WELL KEEP HIM AWAY FROM ME!" Peppermint Patty, watching from by the bus, began to furrow a brow and made her way over to the group of kids.

The group of kids began to laugh, but were cut off by Rolf who demanded, "Rolf wishes to know why he with the flesh colored hair was permitted to bring his livestock! Rolf was forced to leave poor Wilfred and Victor home!"

Charlie Brown nervously muttered, "Oh...well I wasn't really planning on bringing him along...".

Kevin scoffed, "What, can't you control that stupid dog at all..." he thought to himself and then grinned, "Oh I get it, you must be Charlie Brown! Oh man, I've heard all about you!"

Charlie Brown saw that Patty and Violet were snickering at him. He replied with a sullen, "Oh...".

Kevin, laughing, nudged Rolf, "Yeah, this guy apparently is the manager of the worst baseball team in the state." Rolf stood there confused as to what baseball was as Kevin continued, "You're a Joe Shlabotnik fan right?"  
Charlie Brown meekly nodded.

"Oh man, that's rich! You're right Violet, this guy is a riot! Tell me, any luck with that red haired chick of yours?"  
Charlie Brown looked at Violet and Patty and groaned, "Why would you even tell people about that?"

Kevin smirked, "Chill out bro. I'm just messing with you." Charlie Brown sighed and then nervously laughed at himself. Kevin then grinned, "So why don't you and me go kite flying soon? Seems like good weather, eh Charlie Brown. Or can I call you Chuck?" Charlie Brown felt the ever familiar wave of embarrassment come crashing down upon him and Patty and Violet cackled at his expense. Despite being somewhat confused, Sarah and Rolf seemed to be taking delight at this scene as well. Snoopy took this moment to slink away.

"No you can't, creepo!" Peppermint Patty walked over, her face red with anger. She stared at Kevin and threatened, "You better stay away from him or I'll shred you!"

Kevin shrugged, "Whoa, watch where you're stepping, dude. I might have to bust your punk head in, bro."

Peppermint Patty seethed, "Dude? Bro? You little snot!" Peppermint Patty began to clench her fists and grit her teeth. Linus saw what was happening and slowly made his way over.

Kevin turned to Violet and Patty, confused, "What's his problem?"

Violet chucked, "'His' name happens to be Patrica Reichardt, though 'he' usually goes by Peppermint Patty."

Kevin still clueless replied, "Okay...well whatever Peppermint Patty, you think you're going to even lay a finger on me you got...wait Patty..." he paused and took a good look at her, "Oh man! You're a chick, aren't you?"

Peppermint Patty growled, "Yeah...a little bit...".

Kevin smiled, "My mistake, my mistake. I would have never pegged you for a chick, sheesh."

Peppermint Patty began to tense up, how she desired to force Kevin to part with some teeth. She then felt Charlie Brown tug at her shoulder and heard him plead, "This isn't worth it Patty. You don't want to get in trouble over this."

Sarah, deciding she wanted in on the fun, mocked, "Yeah listen to your little girlfriend there!" She then began to laugh at her little insult.

Rolf looked over at Jimmy, who was giggling with Sarah, and muttered, "The irony of that insult is not lost on Rolf."

"Very clever, Peppermint Patty is the boy in the relationship and Charlie Brown is the girl. Very, very, clever. Now can't we all just stop with all of these hostilities? We have a whole month ahead of us to hate each other", Linus calmly pleaded. Charlie Brown smiled, it was always good to have Linus around. He had a way of shutting ignorant people up and listening to reason. The other kids seemed to be dumbfounded and were probably truly reflecting on their immaturity. He certainly was a better choice in dealing with this situation than the volatile Peppermint Patty.

Kevin finally broke the silence and asked the important question, "What's with the blanket?" Instantly the crowd was uproarious.

Rolf mockingly asked, "Does the little baby fear that cradle will fall when the sow breaks?"

Kevin, laughing, "That's bough, dude."

Linus muttered to his two friends, "Let's just get out of here now..." and walked off with them as the group of kids continued their mocking.

…...

Double D walked off the bus, with Nazz behind him. She asked, with a degree of concern, "You feeling better Double D?"

He nodded. Truth be told he was still feeling quite a bit queasy, Kevin's direct hit didn't exactly combine well with his rather low constitution, but he didn't want to trouble Nazz anymore. She did more than enough making sure he was okay...as well as cleaning up after a little incident shortly after. "Yes Nazz, I must thank you again." He then paused and sighed, "And I hope you won't tell anyone about me...um...losing my lunch..."

She smiled and winked at him, "Don't sweat it dude, my lips are sealed." She pat him on the back, "I'm going to unpack my stuff. Later Double D." She walked off, leaving Double D to stare dreamily at her. In his delusions, he heard her calling his name and he could feel his heart almost melt. He continued to hear her call his name...though it sounded more shrill each time.

"DOUBLE D!" he finally snapped out of his trance as he noticed Eddy screaming at him from across the camp.

He muttered, "Oh dear, I forgot about that luggage scam."

He walked over to his two friends. Eddy instantly interrogated, "Where the heck were you? You're leaving us out to dry here, we aren't getting any suckers to bite!"

Double D snidely responded, "Well thanks to both of your reckless actions on the bus, I sustained a direct blow to my stomach courtesy of Kevin. I'm doing better now by the way. Thank you oh so much for asking."

"Oh suck it up Hamlet, I see some potential suckers." Eddy grinned greedily as he saw the sullen Charlie Brown, Peppermint Patty, and Linus.

He could hear Linus complaining, "Sociopaths! All of them, absolutely utter sociopaths!"

"Welcome to my life." Charlie Brown muttered.

Patty, noticing the Eds, groaned, "Great, it's more of them."

Eddy smiled at them, "Oh why the long faces friends? Long trip on the bus?"

Linus rolled his eyes at Eddy's sickeningly forced smile, "Not exactly. We just were acquainted with some of your friends over there."

Double D laughed and remarked, "Not the friendliest bunch are they?" but was shoved by an angry Eddy who whispered.

"Let me do the talking!" he continued his presentation, "Well I bet any run in with Kevin would leave you rather tired. That's why we are here to alleviate all your stress! We here at Ed's Bellhop Service will guarantee that your luggage gets safely to your room and unpacked! All for a measly twenty five cents!"

Linus shook his head, "Uh uh, no way. I'm not paying any of you Peach Creek nut jobs a cent. You all can stay away from me!"

Double D muttered to Ed, "Wow, Kevin and the rest of them must have laced into him pretty hard."

Ed sniffled, "I know how that is Double D. Laces can be so cruel!" He looked down at his untied shoe in sadness.

Eddy muttered, "Who needs you, blanket wearing weirdo." He then put his game face back on and asked Charlie Brown and Peppermint Patty, "How about you folks. You sure look tired. Just trust us. Ed here has the strength of two and three quarters men! He can easily handle your luggage."

Ed grinned, "I'm like a machine who you can hug!"

Eddy then pointed at Double D, "And this fellow here will make sure all of your clothing is neatly unpacked and folded to perfection."

Double D grinned, "Yes indeed. A tidy wardrobe is a happy one, right fellows? My name is Eddward by the way, but most of my associates call my Double D."

Peppermint Patty whispered to Chuck, "Well at least they are friendlier than those others. Though I don't know how much I trust this Eddy guy."

Charlie Brown shook his head, "I'm sure he's an okay guy. Besides, they are right, I am pretty tired." He reached into his pocket and produced two quarters. He smiled at Patty, "My treat."

She nudged him, "How romantic, you sly dog, you."

After a moment of his typical blushing and blundering, he gave said coins to Eddy who shouted at his 'employees', "Alright guys! Take em to the boy's barracks and get them unpacked straight away!"

Peppermint Patty growled, "Boy's barracks! I'm a girl you moron!"

Eddy squinted and asked, "Really?" while Double D blushed out of embarrassment.

She shouted, "YES!"

Eddy shrugged and ordered, "Alright, new change of plans. Ed, bring um...the bald guy's stuff to the boy's barracks."

"Charlie Brown..." Charlie Brown curtly corrected.

"Right, and Double D, take...our beautiful patron's luggage to her room!"

Double D's eyes bulged, "Wait what? You want me to enter the girl's dorm! We're not allowed to do that Eddy! Just think of the chaos that would ensue if we were to-".

Eddy shoved Peppermint Patty's bag into Double D and shouted, "Oh cut it! You can pass off as a chick anyway! You'll be fine." He looked at Ed and Edd staring at him. "Come on you slackers! Time is money!" Both boys then ran off while he groaned, "I gotta do all the work myself."

As Eddy sat down on a bench to loaf around, Patty quietly asked, "I really look like a guy, don't I Chuck."

He sighed, "You look fine to me."

"You're just saying that."

"No, I think you're really pretty."

She groaned, "Stop patronizing me, Chuck!"

Eddy laughed at him, "Dames, right buddy? Who can figure them?"

Peppermint Patty snipped at him, "Oh shut your mouth!"

…...

"THE ED EXPRESS IS COMING THROUGH!" Ed shouted as he plowed Jimmy down while running through the front door of the boy's barracks.

"Right on Ed!" Johnny cheered.

Schroeder looked at the tall boy and asked aloud to nobody in particular, "What the heck?"

"Time to unpack like a boss!" Ed gushed as he opened Charlie Brown's brief case. Like a dog digging a hole, he tossed a number of Charlie Brown's yellow shirts throughout the air, scattering them across the room.

One landed on Pig-Pen's bed, which was already covered in soot. Pig-Pen picked up the stained shirt and sighed, "He's not going to want this back."

Schroeder muttered to Pig-Pen, "Charlie Brown's wardrobe sure is...limited."

Pig-Pen scoffed, pointing to one red striped shirt in the mix that had made its way atop the forehead of another boy. "Now way Schroeder, see there's a red one! That's some variety."

Unfortunately, the head upon which the red shirt had landed was that of Thibault, the ill tempered boy with obnoxious sideburns. "Who was the moron who threw this on me!" Schroeder and Pig-Pen, out of a desire to not deal with him at all, quickly pointed poor Ed out to Thibault.

Thibault, though much shorter than Ed, waltzed over to Ed and standing on his toes, did his best to intimidate the lovable oaf. "So, striped shirt? You must be friends with that Charlie Brown loser, huh?" Ed, confused, simply stared at the short boy. "What's wrong with you Lenny? Answer me?"

Ed smiled, "Oh I get it, you must be a gnome!"

Thibault twitched in anger, "A gnome! Why you little no-good-"

Ed smiled and embraced the small boy in a bear hug, "AWW GNOMES ARE SO COOL! I play a level 18 gnome rogue you know!"

Thibault, through gasps of desperate breaths, shouted, "LET ME GO!"

Ed obliged, dropping Thibault on the ground. He brushed himself off and then demanded, "So why are you doing Charlie Brown's bidding! You're his friend aren't you?"

Ed, raising his eyebrow, just said, "Um he paid me to unpack."

Thibault began to grind his teeth, "I knew it! That no good jerk! Thinking he's _soooo_ much better than everybody else! He has his own servants now!" Thibault stormed out of the barracks.

Ed looked at Schroeder and Pig-Pen and shrugged, "He was a very nasty gnome."

Pig-Pen nodded, "Gnomes, who knows what their deal is, right?"

Schroeder however was not so amused, "You are planning on cleaning this mess you made up, right...Ed is it?" Pig-Pen scoffed at Schroeder who defensively retorted, "There are some of us who would prefer not to live in a dump, Pig-Pen!" Schroeder grumbled, "I pity whoever gets stuck with you as a bunk mate."

Ed grinned and smiled at Schroeder, "No problem boss!" He then rushed around the room and picked up all the shirts. He then picked up one of the bunks with one hand, and shoved all of Charlie Brown's shirts under it, causing it to become lopsided. "All unpacked! Eddy's going to be so proud."

Pig-Pen laughed while Schroeder just groaned.

…...

If it can be imagined, things were much worse at the girl's barracks. Double D nervously walked into the building as Lucy, Sally, and Marcie were unpacking their stuff.

Sally instantly shrieked, "A pervert!"

Double D, sweating profusely, apologized, "Oh is this the girl's dorm, oh my mistake I'm so sorry."

Marcie, noticing the suitcase he was carrying noted, "That's Peppermint Patty's bag...what the heck do you think you are doing?"

Sally shouted, "This creep is probably going around kidnapping girls!"

"Oh dear, oh dear..." Double D turned around to exit but was blocked by Lucy, who was brandishing a baseball bat (never go to a strange place unprepared after all).

"You have one minute to convince me not to knock your head off."

Double D got on his knees and pleaded, "Show mercy please! I'm just here to unpack that Peppermint Patty girl's luggage! That's it. Her friend...Charlie something or another paid for me and my comrade to unpack people's stuff. That's it! My fellows and I are running a bellhop enterprise for some extra cash."

Sally shouted, "I don't believe him! The guy's a Peeping Tom!"

Marcie nodded, "He certainly seems the type. I can't believe this, ten minutes in and we have a stalker."

Double D pleaded, "No, no, no, it's nothing like that at all."

Lucy poked him in the shoulder with the bat, causing him to wail in pain. She muttered, "Talk about overly dramatic. Look at the guy." Double D had proceed to crawl into the fetal position sobbing for his life.

Sally stated, "Wow, I thought my brother was bad."

Lucy shouted at him, "Get up you pansy!" Edd did as he was told quickly. She glared at him, "I'm going to take your word for it this time, but if I ever see you here again, I'm hitting a home run. Got it?"

Double D nodded, "Oh yes! Your sports metaphor is quite clear, as well as its dire implications!" He saw he wasn't winning any points with his choice of dialog and quickly rushed out the door.

Lucy shook her head, "I thought people we weird enough back home."

Sally nodded, "Amen."

Marcie laughed and thought, _It's funny, many would see you two as being no better than him_. She then spoke up, "Well that certainly was disturbing. I'm going to go outside for some reading. I'll talk to you later." Marcie picked up her book and head outside, noting that she was pretty much ignored by the other two, _Typical._

Marcie left the building and made her way into the woods to find some peace. Thibault, who was still in a foul mood noticed her and decided to blow of some steam by making her life miserable. With a terrible grin on his face he followed her slowly from behind.

Watching the two walk off into the woods in close proximity to each other was Rolf who sneered, "Rolf sees you two planning on making the hanky-panky hullabaloo in this great bastion of wilderness. The mountain sprites must be returning! Rolf with have none of it!"

…...

Marcie had found a stump on the path in the woods where she perched herself. She opened her book up and began to read. She couldn't get through two sentences before the book was snatched out of her hands by Thibault. "What are you reading now, four eyes? 'Flatland: A Romance of Many Dimensions'? What the heck is this?"

"It's an interesting take on the interactions between dimensions, not that you'd understand." She grinned, "It's based on mathematics."

Thibault crossed his arm and scoffed, "Oh so you think you're going to be some sort of physicist or something? Get real, your place is the kitchen or the laundry room. Take your pick."

Marcie groaned at him, "Can you please just give me my book back. I don't know why you always seem so keen on picking on me."

Thibault laughed at her, "What are you going to do about it?" He turned around with his eyes closed and walked straight into the figure of Rolf, who was looming above him.

Rolf's eyes narrowed as he examined Thibault, "So Rolf was wrong, there isn't the mischief of those cursed mountain sprites. No, all Rolf sees is a nasty little thief preying on an innocent girl."

Thibault, straightening his posture as to not seem intimated by Rolf sneered in return, "What's it to you?"

"In Rolf's village a tome such as the one you are absconding with could cost a shepherd a week's earnings! Rolf will not allow such a blatant act of disrespect!"

Thibault looked at Rolf in disbelief for a moment, before a smirk crept onto his face, "You're not from around here, are you? You're from a different country." Rolf impatiently nodded. Thibault crossed his arms, "Well then you have no right telling me anything you darn foreigner. I don't care how you do things in whatever backwater, third world, stink hole you come come from but this is my country and I ain't letting any stupid foreigner tell me what I can and can't do!"

Rolf's nostrils flared and his eyes bulged, "You mock the old country?"

Thibault stepped towards Rolf, getting in his face, and spat, "Looks like I am!"

Rolf then began to shout, "You have sullied Rolf's honor, he with the ridiculous side-hair! Prepare yourself for combat! Choose a weapon!"

Marcie piped up, "'Combat'? Wait a minute, boys please let's not do anything-".

Thibault snapped at her, "Stay out of this woman!" He turned to Rolf, "Weapon? I don't need a weapon! I'll rip you apart with these two bad boys!"

Mockingly Rolf retorted, "Those 'bad boys'? Why Rolf bets that they have never so much as massaged the back of a yak! Your defeat is inevitable." Rolf reached into his pocket.

Marcie gasped as Thibault leaped at Rolf and growled, "Alright you Commie...er Euro-trash...oh whatever you are supposed to be! Prepare to-" Rolf however had taken that brief moment to produce a whole salmon that he had kept in his pocket which he brandished with surprising efficiency. He knocked Thibault out with his fish with one blow to the head.

Rolf smiled, satisfied that he had maintained his family's honor. He turned and bowed at Marcie, "Rolf is pleased to have defended your honor as well." He picked up her book and presented it to her. "If you'll excuse me Rolf must talk to his fellow Urban Rangers in order to receive his 'Book Delivery' badge. Thank you!"

As Rolf walked off, Marcie nervously called out to him, "Oh um...thank you?" She stared at Thibault, who was more or less seeing stars and quietly asked to nobody in particular, "What should I do with Thibault?" She then thought of all the bullying he subjected her to on a regular basis and shrugged, "Eh, he'll be okay" and walked off to rendezvous with the rest of the kids at camp.

…...

As Marcie returned to the main area she saw that Peppermint Patty was in the middle of a shouting match with some short kid who seemed to be friends with the 'Peeping Tom' who intruded a little while earlier who look rightfully mortified. They were with a taller boy who seem happily ignorant to his surroundings. Finally Charlie Brown was standing behind Peppermint Patty, looking about as uncomfortable as the Peeping Tom.

"I told you before, no refunds!" Eddy shouted as he held a jar comically filled with only two quarters close to his chest.

Peppermint Patty seethed at him, "But your boys didn't get their jobs done! Chuck had to clean up the entire boy's dorm thanks to your Tasmanian Devil of a friend."

Ed blushed, "Aw, I always saw myself as more of a Pepé Le Pew. Hug me!"

The rest of the participants in the argument ignored him. Charlie Brown mildly whispered to his friend, "It's really not a big deal Patty, it's just fifty cents."

Peppermint Patty roared at him, "Just fifty cents! It's not about the money Chuck, it's the principle! These guys are rip-offs, no good con-artists!"

Charlie Brown moaned, "But it's really not worth..."

Peppermint Patty groaned at him, "What do you mean not worth? Sheesh Chuck aren't you ever going to grow a spine! If you aren't going even to try and stick up for yourself why the heck should I bother?" With that she stormed off.

Eddy, surprised that he had gone so long without having to surrender his cash, instantly took the chance to gloat at his victim, "Oh man, shot down Romeo! She's got you whipped!"

Double D pleaded, "Eddy, can't you please just refund the guy's money?" Double D whispered to his short friend, "Don't you emphasize with him at all, he obviously just as pathetic with his peers as we are with ours."

Eddy shoved Double D off of him and shook his head defiantly, "Hey, I earned this money! Melon head over there can take a hike."

Charlie Brown sighed, "Yeah, yeah, I get it." He shook his head, "And I'll get this over with, people tend to call me 'blockhead' so that should make things easier on you next time you rip me off."

Eddy smirked, "Thanks buddy!"

Double D elbowed him and hissed, "Eddy!"

Ed meanwhile pondered aloud, "Whoa? He has a block from a head? If I hit it would I get coins or a fire flower?"

Charlie Brown sulked past Marcie and muttered to her, "Meet the new town, same as the old town, huh?"

She frowned and walked to keep up with him, "I wouldn't beat yourself up over those guys being jerks to you. It seems that everybody from their school holds them with very low esteem." She paused for a moment, "With very good reason."

Charlie Brown groaned, "Well those other kids are in with Violet and Patty now, so it looks like they all hate me too."

Marcie pat him on the back, "Well you still got me, Linus, and Peppermint Patty." Charlie Brown gave her an annoyed look and she remembered, "Oh yeah, she just stormed off from you. Well she does this daily right? You guys will be fine soon enough." She tugged at the sleeve of his shirt, "Come on, let's see what they have to do around here. We need to cheer you up."

Charlie Brown rolled his eyes and laughed lightly, "Alright, alright."

As they walked off, Double D watched Eddy lustfully eying the two quarters in his jar, his large green tongue sticking out as he contemplated what to do with his loot. Double D, in his most shrill voice, began to scold his friend, "We've been here for what, an hour?" He checked his watch and gasped, "Less than a hour! In less than sixty minutes we have managed to run our names completely into the dirt! We've done more damage to our name in an hour than Caligula did to his during his rule of Rome!"

Ed cheered, "It's a new record!"

"Those kids from the other school must think we are utter sociopaths! Uncivilized brutes who only care about cold hard cash!"

Eddy grinned, "You got it baby! And cash is what we got, I knew this plan would work!"

Double D face-palmed in exasperation, "If profit is the only thing you care about then please explain to me how you expect anybody to fall for any of your schemes again? Nobody is that stupid, Eddy!"

Eddy impishly grinned and pointed to his temple, "Double D, this here is a scam factory. I got it covered!" He then gushed, "But that's for later, we got jawbreakers to buy!" He threw his arm over head who was already salivating at the mere thought of those succulent orbs.

Double D shook his head, "Once again I hate to be the one who has to ruin our fun but where do you propose we buy jawbreakers? We are at camp, there are no candy stores around here."

Eddy's smile disappeared and he grumbled to Ed, "I hate when he does that."

…...

It didn't take Thibault too long to regain conciseness. He glanced over at the kids scattered in their various little groups and seethed in anger. He was supposed to be the one calling the shots, pushing everybody else around. Yet he was unceremoniously trashed with a fish by that foreign kid. Fuming with anger, he stormed deeper in the woods, to collect his thoughts and decide how he could find a way to intimidate the other kids in order to follow him. He knew Peppermint Patty would always be against him taking charge, but if he could bully some of the kids from the other school, she wouldn't matter. Unfortunately that Kevin kid seemed to be top dog, if he could think of some way to deal with him, he might be able to –

Thibault's train of thought was interrupted by rustling in the woods, he snapped, "Who's there?" He didn't get any response, "Must be some stupid chipmunk." He continued walked and heard more rustling. This time he could swear that he heard someone laughing at him. He shouted, "Who's there? Show yourself now!" He heard multiple voices laughing at him now. They were distinctively feminine, though they lacked any sort of grace.

"Girls..." he muttered. He took a deep breath and called out, "I'm not afraid of any girls! If this is you trying to scare me Peppermint Patty I'm going to kick your butt!"

"Ooooh short stuff here is going to kick our butts!" a deep and seemingly dimwitted voice called out.

A much higher pitched and somewhat raspy voice added, "He thinks he's a tough guy! That's a refreshing change of pace from my normal boyfriend. Sometimes he's just too nice for his own good."

A third female voice, much deeper and huskier than the other two laughed, "This guy reminds me of my Eddy! I call dibs!"

Thibault backed himself against a tree; his heart was pounding against his chest, yet he still verbally lashed out, "I have no problems beating up girls! You better get out of here now before I really get mad!"

"This guy is really rambunctious, I like that!", the second voice gleefully shouted. It was then that Thibault saw three tall figures appear out of the woods.

The first voice lovingly cooed, "Let's kiss him!"

…...

The entire camp stopped whatever they were doing for a moment as they heard a bloodcurdling scream come from the direction of the woods.

===============================To be continued===============================

Next: Enter the Kanker Sisters

A/N: I love both Peanuts and Ed, Edd, n Eddy so here they are together. Problem?


	2. Chapter 2

Of Dorks and Blockheads

by Sean Mahoney

They're from the Cul-de-sac, Charlie Brown! Part II

Snoopy sluggishly walked through the path in the woods, with Woodstock quietly perched on his shoulder. He was hoping that these new kids he would meet would be friendly, but all he saw were a bunch of bullies. Usually he didn't really pay attention to when people were picking on that round headed kid, but these kids were really being jerks.

"LOOK PLANK! A DOGGIE!" Snoopy's heart began to race when he heard someone shout. He quickly turned around, causing Woodstock to fall off of his shoulder and awkwardly flutter to the ground. Snoopy saw that the overexcited exclamation was caused by one of the kids from the other bus, the bald one who talked to the board of wood.

_Watch out for this one, _Snoopy muttered to Woodstock, _he's a real freak._

Jonny scolded, "Hey that's not very nice, calling someone you just met a freak!"

Snoopy's eyes narrowed, _Wait a minute, you understand me?_ Woodstock cocked his head at Jonny, confused.

The boy stood and contemplated for a second and then looked at Plank and cheered, "I can talk to dogs now buddy! Right on!"

Snoopy raised his eyebrow, _By why can you, and only you, understand me._

Woodstock chirped, _IIII II III IIII II IIII IIIII II IIII!_

Jonny smiled, "The bird's right! Nobody else can understand Plank but me! I guess I'm just a better listener than most people."

Snoopy rolled his eyes and asked, _So what are you doing out here in the woods?,_ He paused, unsure of the boy's name.

Jonny extended his hand, "The name's Jonny pal, and this here is my buddy Plank!"

_Pleased to meet you...Plank...I'm Snoopy, and this is Woodstock._ Woodstock bowed to the boy and inanimate object. _I'm the...other...round headed kid's dog. Anyway, I'm out here since it seems many of your friends don't seem to like dogs much. What's your story?_

Jonny grinned, "We're trying to find some of Plank's old buddies." He then put his hand on Plank's side and whispered to Snoopy, "And try and find Plank's old sweetheart!" He grinned mischievously for a second and then laughed at the piece of wood, "Aw come on Plank, we both know you got a thing for Ivy, no need to be embarrassed! Maybe you can have Woodstock as your wing man!" Jonny then fell on the ground laughing uncontrollably at his own pun. Woodstock groaned and Snoopy once again rolled his eyes.

_III II IIIII IIIII IIII IIIIIII IIIIII?_

Snoopy nodded in agreement, _I'm with you._

Jonny got up moaned, "Aw come on guys, don't leave now! We got the whole forest to explore!"

Snoopy's mind raced for a way to get out of this situation without hurting this boy's feelings too much seeing as he was clearly mentally unstable. The party of four however were interrupted by the sound of moaning.

_You guys hear that?_ Snoopy asked. It seemed to be coming from down the path a little bit. They all agreed to follow it. As they did so a scent that reminded them of both perfume and motor oil got stronger and stronger.

Eventually they reached the source, lying on the ground, barely conscious was Thibault, lying on his back. Jonny whistled, "Darn, looks like somebody really did a number on him. Hooo-boy does he stink too!" He paused again, "Plank can swear that he's smelt it before, can't place it though. This guy is one of your friends, right Snoopy?"

Snoopy shook his head, _I really wouldn't say that. Though I guess we should get him back to __camp._ He turned Thibault over with his foot and backed away in surprise from what he saw. Thibault was very bruised, he was expecting that, what he didn't expect to see was that his face was covered with red kiss marks. _What the heck._

_IIIII IIII IIIIIIIII III IIIII_! Woodstock giggled.

Snoopy snapped at his friend, _Get your mind out of the gutter! _He turned to Jonny, and saw that the normally happy go lucky boy looked horrified. _Hey, everything all right?_

Jonny, his voice quivering, whispered, "We got to get back to camp now! We could be in serious trouble...".

…...

"Come on, can't you just give me a chance for once?" Lucy pleaded to her beloved, Schroeder, who was practicing his piano under a tree.

Schroeder groaned, "Good grief Lucy, we go over this all the time in private, why do you need to do this here! I...don't...like...you! Not now, not ever! There's nothing you can do to change that."

Lucy grunted, "It's a wonder why I even bother putting up with you."

Schroeder slapped his hand to his face and nearly shouted, "You're just wasting your time!" He cooled down a bit, "Look we both know the only reason you go after me is because your only other choices are less then stellar." His gaze wandered towards Charlie Brown who was conveniently talking to Pig-Pen, emphasizing Schroeder's point. "But now there are all these new guys for you to mingle with. Why don't you try and hit it off with one?"

Lucy raised her eyebrow, "Oh you mean the tall one who's spent the afternoon talking about "It Came From France III" to himself. Or how about that short one who was trying to scam all of us. Or the creep with the hat I caught snooping around the girls barracks?"

Schroeder nodded and smiled, "Sure, any of them is fine. Come on Lucy, let's meet new people. For instance, perhaps I want to get to know that blond girl over there", he cocked his head towards Nazz who was giggling at some joke Linus seemed to have been telling her.

Lucy smirked, "Oh the one that every guy in the camp is trying to get with? Good luck with that buddy. You aren't that much of a catch."

Schroeder shrugged, "She'll be the judge of that. So we're agreed, we'll take a break from each other?"

Lucy smirked, "Take a break, eh? So that means you _do_ acknowledge that we're an item!"

The blond boy cringed and stammered, "No, it's just a figure of speech!"

As the two continued bickering Jonny and Snoopy rushed into the center of the camp carrying Thibault, who they dropped on a bench. Jonny began to shout, "Guys get over here now! I think we may all be in big trouble!"

Violet whispered to Kevin, "What's his deal?"

Kevin chuckled, "They guy is friends with a piece of wood, he's a little out of it. Looks like he's pals with that dog of Charlie Brown's too."

Marcie, moving her way towards the front of the gathering crowd asked, sounding somewhat guilty, "Is that Thibault, Snoopy?"

Rolf proudly exclaimed, "Oh-ho! It looks like somebody finally dragged that nincompoop's posterior back here." He slapped Jonny's back, "Ranger Jonny! Remind Rolf to present you the with the 'Retrieval of the Bully' badge." He turned to Snoopy, "And perhaps an honorary one for your friend, yes?"

Jonny moaned, "Come on guys, this is serious! Take a look at his face. And get a good whiff of him. Plank thinks that smells familiar."

Peppermint Patty chuckled, looking at the kiss marks, "I guess every toad gets his kiss eventually, huh Marcie?"

Marcie smiled, "I'd take a toad over Thibault any day sir."

Pig-Pen grinned, "Whoa, looks like sideburns over here managed to score big time! So which one of you girls is giving out kisses? Patty?"

He grinned at Violet's friend who gagged, "In your dreams, Pig-Pen."

"Plank says listen!"

Eddy laughed, "Ooooh, Plank said listen guys!"

Jonny snidely retorted, "Plank also says that you Eds really are the only ones who should be afraid."

Double D, upon examining the groaning Thibault, gasped, "Jonny's right Eddy! We may very well be in trouble."

Eddy shook his head, "What are you talking about, Sock-Head?"

"Look Eddy, lipstick marks. And that smell..." he sighed, "Ed what does poor Thibault smell like?"

A grinning Ed waltzed over and took a whiff, much to the disgust of most of the onlookers. Ed cheerfully replied, "He smells like fresh cut spring flowers spewn across a babbling brook with a hint of lemon."

Eddy rubbed his chin, "That sounds familiar."

Double D yelled, "Kankershaft No. 5, Eddy! The Kanker Sisters! The Kanker Sisters got to Thibault!"

Eddy immediately shouted, "What! No way!"

Sally Brown, confused, asked, "Who are the Kanker Sisters?"

Jimmy, quaking in fear responded, "The three meanest girls you'd ever meet. They take kids like us and eat us for breakfast!"

Sarah nodded in agreement, "It's true, they're evil, pure evil."

Violet smirked at Kevin, "Oh this is rich", but saw that Kevin's eyes were filled with dread as well.

"They aren't joking babe. The Kankers are bad news. Major bad news."

Charlie Brown questioned, "They can't be that bad." He thought to himself, _certainly not any worse than Lucy._

Linus had no problem vocalizing what Charlie Brown was thinking, "I'm not afraid of them. I deal with Lucy on a daily basis. Not even three of your 'Kanker Sisters' can measure up to crabbiness of that level."

Eddy shouted, "There's nothing to argue! There ain't no stinking Kankers at this camp! We all saw who was on the bus! Why would they be here?"

Kevin was the first to respond, "How do you explain Mr. Sideburns then, dork?"

Eddy seethed, "I bet you put him up to this Kevin! You and melon-head over there!"

"Dream on dork!" The two boys were about to come to blows when Marcie stepped in to cool the situation down.

"Why don't we just ask Thibault?"

Double D, who was still standing over him shook his head, "No good, he's staring blankly into space and shivering. Obviously he's been traumatized!"

The group of kids began bickering amongst themselves. Some like Lucy thought Thibault was being a wuss, Eddy vehemently denied that the Kankers could possibly be at camp, and Ed and Double D were shaking in fear at the prospect of a Kanker reunion.

Peppermint Patty let out a sharp whistle to get the group's attention. When everybody turned towards her she spoke, "As much as I love seeing that little wart in pain, it seems like something is out there that was able to knock out Thibault. Somebody needs to go out there and scout it out."

Violet chimed in, "Oh well I nominate Charlie Brown!"

Charlie Brown's face instantly was filled with dread as many of the other kids began to agree with Violet's decision. Charlie Brown whispered to Peppermint Patty, "Stop them!"

She smiled at him, "Come on Chuck, this is the perfect opportunity for you; you can show everyone how brave you are!"

"But...but...you're going to come with me then, right?"

Her smile quickly turned to a frown, "Are you kidding me Chuck? You're thinking of putting a girl in harm's way; how selfish can you be? Come on, you'll be fine!"

Eddy instantly began laughing at Chuck, "Say hi to the Kankers for me, buddy!"

Kevin interrupted, "Wait a minute dork, you dweebs are the ones who they'd be targeting. _You _should go too."

Nazz nodded, "It's only fair."

Eddy shouted, "Are you kidding me!"

Kevin smirked, "I thought there was no way in heck that the Kankers could be here?"

Eddy growled, "Yeah, but I ain't suicidal!"

Lucy walked up to Eddy and sneered, "Listen, Charlie Brown may be a blockhead, but he isn't going after these Kankers alone!"

Eddy grunted, "Give me one good reason."

Lucy made a fist and muttered, "I'll give you five!"

Linus nodded at Eddy and remarked, "Take my word for it, those are really good reasons."

Eddy was shaking with anger, but quickly collected himself and began to smirk. He smugly announced, "Alright fine, I'm telling you, there aren't any stinking Kankers."

Kevin grinned, "Oh, you want to bet?"

Eddy smiled, "Sure thing, jock-boy!"

Kevin pointed to fifty cents Eddy had made from earlier, still in the jar, "Okay, fifty cents then."

Eddy stared at his jar and grinned, "You're on! Come on boys, let's find out what really got that little gnome."

Double D sighed at Ed, "Looks like Eddy's content to dig all of our graves, once again."

Ed smiled, "Oooh! Does this mean we're going to become zombies!"

Double D sighed as he followed his friend. Kevin however interrupted once more. "Wait a minute. Charlie Brown still goes with you. After all, we need a third party witness, right?"

Charlie Brown's eyes sank and he moaned, "Oh come on...".

Linus pat him on the back and announced, "Well if he goes, I go. I figure if these Kankers are there, I'll be able to talk some sense into them."

Double D pleaded, "A lofty idea, but utterly insane! The Kankers do not negotiate, compromise, or reason! They are like a force of nature!"

"Yeah, well I am not scared of them", of all people, that voice belonged to Schroeder, he approached the Eds confidently. "It's amazing how big a deal everyone is making over a bunch of girls."

Sarah shouted, "What do you mean, 'a bunch of girls', buster!"

Schroeder smiled, "Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be misogynistic or anything. Believe me, I know Lucy, I know just how tough a woman can be. But I think you guys are demonizing them. They probably are just looking for attention." He turned his glance to Lucy for a second and grinned, before returning his attention to the crowd. "Besides I've been looking to meet some new women, I think I'd like to go with you."

The collective jaws of those from the cul-de-sac dropped, as well as Lucy: who was red in the face and furrowing a brow. Sally overheard a long list of expletives about the musician being muttered from her mouth.

Double D, nearly cried, "Are you insane man? These girls will eat you alive!"

Ed nodded in agreement, "They are like succubi from the bowels of the underworld! They feed on the souls of mortal men like you and me! Take heed and abandon such a fool-hearty quest!"

Schroeder rolled his eyes and scoffed, "I'll be the judge of that, thank you very much."

Eddy chuckled, "You'd be signing your death warrant buddy, if the Kankers were actually here. But the more the merrier I suppose. Come on boys, let's head out!"

…...

The party of six made their way down the path in the woods. Eddy was at the front, confidently blazing the trail ahead, sure that there were no Kankers in these parts. Behind him were Linus and Schroeder, who were having a minor argument; Ed, Double D, and Charlie Brown brought up the rear.

Linus was in the process of scolding Schroeder, "I know the only reason you're going along with this is to spite my sister. She likes you a lot, why can't you just be nice to her for once?"

Schroeder couldn't help but chuckle before replying, "Yeah sure thing. Maybe we can go on a date with you and your 'sweet babboo."

Linus sighed and conceded, "Alright, I'll shut up."

Eddy, who was listening in, asked, "Your sister is the one that threatened me right? She likes you, blondie?"

Schroeder nodded, "Yeah. So you can see why I'm not exactly scared of these Kankers."

Eddy smirked, "It's a good thing that they aren't out there. Cause that Lucy girl has got nothing on them! You couldn't handle them buddy."

Meanwhile, Charlie Brown was busy listening to Double D have a panic attack over the Kankers, "It's terrible! They smother you, bruise you, and humiliate you! When they're through, you feel so violated! We've put up with it for a year! I had hoped we could get away from them for a summer, but oh how the cruel the fates can be!"

Charlie Brown felt a chill go down his spine, "That sounds terrible!"  
Ed, nearly crying, added, "And then they kiss you! GIRL GERMS!"

Charlie Brown paused, "Wait, they kiss you?" He imagined three girls surrounding him with kisses. He wistfully continued, "That doesn't sound too bad."

Double D saw the dreamy look in Charlie Brown's eyes and began to shake him, "Get a hold of yourself man! You don't fall in love with the Kankers! They are abusers, there's nothing more to it than that."

Charlie Brown sheepishly nodded, "Oh yeah, sorry. I'm just not so popular with the girls...so...you know...".

Eddy laughed, "Hey Casanova, you want to join your buddy here and take the Kankers off our plate, feel free!"

Double D whispered, "Sorry about him, empathy isn't his strong suit."

"I noticed."

"I know what it's like not being the most popular person around, though I assure you that you really want nothing to do with the Kankers."

Charlie Brown sighed, "Yeah, sure thing."

Double D smiled, "Oh please, I don't see why you're upset. Besides, aren't you going out with that Patty girl."

Eddy chimed in, "The one that looks like a dude, right?"

"EDDY!"

Charlie Brown shook his head, "Oh no. Me and her? No we're just friends."

Linus whispered to Eddy, "Poor Charlie Brown is utterly clueless about some things."

Eddy didn't get what Linus was saying, all that registered in his mind was that Charlie Brown would be an easy mark for any future scams.

The group continued on like this for about 15 minutes before Ed began to complain, "Aw man, I'm hungry guys!" His stomach began to grumble.

Double D muttered, "Great, just what we need: Ed's stomach drawing the Kankers to us."

Eddy, his patience waning, growled, "I told you, there ain't no Kankers here at camp!"

"Your grammar is atrocious once again Eddy. And please keep your voice down in case you are wrong!"

Eddy proceeded to shout, "OH MAY! LEE! MARIE! WHERE ARE YOU? WE ARE WAITING RIGHT HERE!"

"Sure thing, dreamboat!" a deep feminine voice called back. The six boys froze in place, fear apparent on all of their faces.

Out from the woods stepped three girls, all with sinister grins on their faces.

"Would you look at this! Our boyfriends finally showed up! And they brought friends!" The first of the sisters exclaimed. She was a blond girl with long hair, a very round nose, and large buck teeth. "I'm May Kanker!" she cried, barely able to hold in her excitement.

She was pushed aside by the second girl, "Move it bucko, they don't want to meet you!" She turned her glance towards the boys and smirked, leaving the Eds to recoil in horror. Charlie Brown blushed slightly, he found this sister to be more attractive than the last at least. He looked over and saw that Schroeder and Linus thought so as well. The reaction of the Ed's though reassured him that this girl was not to be messed with. She was quite a bit more shapely than the somewhat chubby May and had a sort of 'bad girl' look that Charlie Brown hadn't seen back home; namely her blue hair with bangs that covered one of her eyes. When she grinned however, the boys recoiled at the sight of her bright yellow teeth, "How's it going guys, the name's Marie. I'm sure we'll be well acquainted soon enough!"

Linus nervously muttered to his best friends, "These girls aren't subtle."

Charlie Brown nodded in fear, "No, not at all."

"Settle down girls,_ I_ haven't even introduced myself yet" the voice who replied to Eddy interrupted. It belonged to the tallest sister, a girl whose curly red bangs covered her eyes. She flashed a smile with teeth that made Marie's look like pristine ivory. "I'm Lee. As I'm sure you know by now, we're the Kanker sisters. Now I should let you know that the Eds here got dibs on us..."

Charlie Brown gasped, "Oh well, that's good then, we don't want to intrude..."

She grabbed Charlie Brown by the collar, "...don't interrupt me baldy." She then dropped him to the ground, where he quickly crawled back to his friends. "As I was saying, the Eds got dibs, but we're open to the idea of..." she paused, searching for the right phrase.

"An open relationship!" Marie finished for her sister, and proceeded to cackle.

May, jumping with excitement, asked, "So what's your names, huh?"

Charlie Brown, eyes closed in fear, yelped, "Charlie Brown!"

Marie sneered at him, "Not you, what use to we have for a bald kid? That Jonny guy is weird enough."

May whined, "Oh come on, he's cute enough."

"Then you take him!"

Charlie Brown muttered, "I don't know if I should be mortified, offended, or relieved. I'm too paralyzed by fear."

Double D nodded, "They have that effect, I'll say that May might be your best bet though, she's less violent than the others...marginally."

Marie's one exposed eye glared at Linus, "How about you? With the blanket? You keep that around for portable snuggling?"

Lee laughed, "Ooh Marie's right, this guy is a real romantic!"

Linus, though sweating, resolved to be strong, "My name is Linus Van Pelt and I can't say I approve of your behavior. You're acting like stalkers!"

Eddy shouted, "Yeah! That's all you guys are! No good stalkers!"

Lee grinned at Linus, "What can we say, we love guys who play hard to get. We get it from our mom." She turned to Schroeder, "What about you?"

Schroeder's legs were shaking, but he realized this was the time he could finally shake Lucy free. "Oh me? I'm Schroeder! I like Beethoven!"

May looked confused, "Is that some sort of TV dinner?"

Schroeder took a deep breath, trying to compose himself, "No he's a famous composer. I suppose that came out wrong. I'm something of a pianist myself and..."

Ed grabbed him and cried, "What are you doing! They're like the aliens from _Team Cultural Diffusion 4_, don't give them any information!"

Schroeder pushed him away, "Oh please Ed. They don't look...too bad..."_ Remember Schroeder,_ he thought to himself, _anything is worth it to get Lucy off your back. Even humoring these...Kankers. _"Um, unlike Linus...and I assume Charlie Brown, I just happen to be on the market." The three girls paused in shock for a moment, then burst out cackling mad.

Eddy screamed at him, "ARE YOU INSANE?"

Ed stood in between him and the Kankers, "Whatever devious mind control you are using, I command you to stop this instant!"

Lee chuckled, "Well well, Mr. Mozart here is looking for some love."

"Beethoven." Schroeder corrected.

Double D gasped, "Good lord man, that's not what you should be worrying about!"

Marie cracked her knuckles and squealed in glee, "Well why don't give him and his new friends a big Kanker style welcome!"

The boys quivered in fear as the three girls advanced towards them.

"WAIT A MINUTE!", Eddy shouted. "This is just what we needed you stupid Kankers! This is proof that you've been stalking us, you followed us all the way out here. There's no other explanation! This is just what we need to get restraining orders on all of you!"

Marie smirked, "Stalked you? We're here on vacation!"

Eddy laughed, "Vacation. You guys live in a trailer park! How can you afford to go to this camp?"

Double D also inquired, "And shouldn't you have been on the bus with us?"

May shook her head, "Oh we're not going to camp with you guys."

Marie added, "Didn't you guys know, there are trailer camp grounds about a quarter mile away from your camp. The guy who runs them is the same guy who runs your camp!"

Lee smiled, "Small world, huh boys?"

Linus sighed, "This does not bode well."  
The girls leered at the boys and Lee asked, "Now where were we?" The girls began to chuckle as they advanced once more onto the boys, who were paralyzed by fear.

…...

An hour later the boys limped back to the main campgrounds. They all were bruised pretty badly, and of course were all covered with lipstick marks. The boys all looked completely miserable, as any encounter with the Kanker Sisters would be.

Charlie Brown sighed, "So much for a romantic first kiss."

Double D pat him on the back, "That's exactly what I said the first time they kissed us. I think it was during our cruise line scam, right Eddy?"

"Just shut it Double D."

Linus meanwhile was jabbing at Schroeder, "You're a real blockhead, do you know that? You had to open your mouth and BAM, those Kankers were all over us! I feel so...dirty!" He shivered in disgust.

Schroeder grumbled, "We all make mistakes."

Eddy laughed, "Well now you are going to have them after you this whole vacation! Pretty big mistake buddy!"

Ed moaned, "Charlie Brown is so lucky guys! Lee and Marie both said that he was a creepy weirdo! He only has to deal with May."

Charlie Brown muttered, "Thank you for reminding me about that."

Linus sighed, "Oh good grief, you're not upset that those two girls called you creepy are you? They're the stalkers!"

Charlie Brown, "Well I'm glad I only have to deal with one stalker opposed to three...but they didn't have to go out of their way to demean me like that."

Eddy growled, "Oh cry me a river Eeyore! Sheesh, you really must be a riot at parties."

The party of six made their way to the crowd, who for the most part were laughing hysterically at the boy's misfortune.

Violet shouted, "These Kankers must be depraved! They even kissed Charlie Brown!" Charlie Brown shook his head in embarrassment and walked off.

Linus was about to follow him, but was cut off by Sally, whose face was red with anger. "You were off getting kissed by those girls, weren't you? Some boyfriend you are! I'll ought to-" Linus stood there, miserable, as Sally launched a torrent of accusations towards him.

Schroeder meanwhile ignored the quizzical look that Lucy gave him and made his way to Pig-Pen, who seemed almost excited as May did earlier, "So what were they like Schroeder?"  
"Ed's right, they are demons from another planet or something. Pure evil!"

Pig-Pen shrugged, "So back to Lucy I guess."

Schroeder scowled, "Are you kidding me? After the hell I went through, she can think that I'm seeing them every day for all I care. With any luck I can avoid all four of those girls."

Pig-Pen rolled his eyes, "Whatever you say buddy."

Charlie Brown meanwhile was joined by Peppermint Patty and Marcie, the latter who noted, "You look terrible Charles!"

Charlie Brown groaned, "Yeah, just another awesome part of this awesome day. Thanks for 'convincing' me to go Patty!"

Peppermint Patty, hiding her jealousy with an air of nonchalantness shrugged, "Looks like you did pretty well for yourself, Chuck."

Charlie Brown whined, "Yeah, well that was possibly the most painful and embarrassing half hour of my life. I'm pretty sure what they did was sexual harassment. Not like anyone cares or anything." He mumbled the last sentence."  
The Eds also tried to avoid the crowd. Ed, aching in pain, sighed, "I think our life with the Kankers is like the Spiral of Death from Final Fantasy X guys, it is an ongoing pain in our behinds!"

Double D shook his head disapprovingly, "No one knows what you're talking about, Ed."

Eddy however was snickering to himself. Double D sighed, "Look Ed, Eddy's cracking up. What a sad state of affairs this 'vacation' is turning out to be."

Eddy, sounding less than completely sane, muttered to his companions, "Not everything about today was a bust, Double D." He turned around, revealing the jar of two quarters, "We still got the fifty cents we fleeced off Charlie Brown earlier!", he shouted triumphantly.

Kevin, who heard Eddy's victorious cry, smiled and made his way over to the Eds. "Hey Dorky, have fun with the Kankers?"

"Shut up monkey boy! You wouldn't be able to handle one of them, let alone all three!"

He shrugged, "Nope, bet I couldn't. But it looks like you sure did; which of course means I won our little wager from before."

"TAKE A HIKE!" Eddy subsequently found Kevin's fist meet his face.

"Keep on Dorkin' guys!", Kevin shouted, the jar of money snugly in his hands, as he left Eddy on the ground writing in pain.

Double D sighed, "Curse the status quo."

============================To be continued==================================

Next:

An unstoppable force meets an immovable object

Double D and Pig-Pen: Bunkmates


	3. Chapter 3

Of Dorks and Blockheads

by Sean Mahoney

Dirty Ed

After their rather mortifying first day at camp, the Eds were more than ready to just head to the barracks and get some shut eye, putting an end to this miserable day. Unfortunately there was one minor detail that Eddy wasn't so happy about, "Explain to me again, why the heck I have to share bunks with lumpy!", Eddy asked Double D in an agitated whisper.

"We flipped a coin, and you got stuck with him, I'm sincerely sorry Eddy."

"Why can't we just shove him off on somebody else? Why do one of us have to get stuck with him?" Both boys knew that Ed's rather...unsanitary...habits would make them a less than ideal bunk mate, and neither wanted to deal with that.

Double D sighed, "You know how upset Ed would be if we did that Eddy. This is for the best."

"Yeah, since I'm the one who is getting stuck with him", Eddy grumbled.

Eddy grumbled as he got into the bottom bunk, while Ed leaped onto the top bunk excitedly, causing the bottom of his mattress to hit Eddy on the head, "Watch it Ed!"

Ed merely cheered, "This is just like a sleepover!"

Double D chuckled lightly in relief. He didn't know what he would do if he had to bunk with Ed. Sure he was a good friend, but as a neat freak, Double D could simply not tolerate Ed's unhygienic manner.

He scanned the barracks, most of the other guys had already paired up, which served him well. There was one set of bunks left, and it looked like he would have it for himself; clearly the most ideal situation.

He decided to set himself on the top bunk, after all: the floor was obviously very dirty and he wanted to be as far away as that as possible. He got himself comfortable and prepared to get some rest; a well deserved reprieve after everything that transpired today.

He closed his eyes and attempted to clear his mind, all he wanted to concentrate on was sleep. As soon as he began to rest however, he felt that it was becoming increasingly difficult to breathe. His lungs seemed to be getting heavier and heavier until he started coughing. _Oh dear, what's going on? There isn't a fire I hope. _He opened his eyes and found that they were watering up. He saw that nobody else seemed to be suffering the same symptoms that he was, and decided to look below him to discover the source. Standing by the bottom bunk was a boy who seemed to be stained gray with grim and had a cloud of dust that was rising to Double D's bunk.

He smiled at Double D and greeted, "Hey buddy, the name's Pig-Pen. Looks like we're bunking together."

Double D let out a blood curdling scream which awakened any in the barracks who had already gone to sleep.

Pig-Pen jumped back, "What the heck is going on?"

Double D, madness in his eyes, pulled the covers over his head and shouted, "Stay back! Get away from me!"

Pig-Pen turned to the rest of the guys who were either as confused as he was or rolling their eyes; dependent on which school they had come from of course. Kevin snickered at Pig-Pen, "Oh man, looks like Double Dweeb is having another panic, good going, this could take a while."

"I can't breathe! I can't breathe! My precious oxygen is being corrupted with the dust! The dust! Oh filthy, filthy, filthy...", Double D, utterly hysterical, cried out.

Schroeder moaned, "Good grief Pig-Pen, what the heck did you do to him?"

"How should I know?"

Eddy, irritated, growled, "Put a sock in it, Sock-Head!"

"Don't you tell me to be quiet Eddy! This is unacceptable!"

"Can someone please tell me what I did?"

Ed replied, "Double D is afraid of germs and dust and stuff. He really likes to be clean! He always acts like this when he comes into my room."

Pig-Pen glared at the boy cowering in the top bunk and scoffed, "Are you serious? What a freaking baby, he needs to grow up."

Hearing this, Double D shouted, "Grow up? Do you have any idea how dirty you are! No body should have to put up with that, it's inhuman! I should call up an inspector or something!"

Pig-Pen growled, "What a jackass. Alright shorty, he's your friend right?"

Eddy mumbled, "Yeah..."

"Fine, we're switching bunks, I don't need to stand around and get insulted like this."

Eddy nodded, "Fine by me, just be sure Ed doesn't start sleepwalking or anything. The guy can down a neighborhood's worth of food."

Pig-Pen ignored him and walked past, his trail of dust causing Eddy to start choking. "Augh, sheesh, maybe Sock-Head wasn't overreacting. That guy can give Ed a run for his money!"

…...

Double D woke up the next morning smiling as he made his way down the ladder. "Good morning Eddy! Let's hope that this day fares better than the last, right?"

Eddy, who was still lying in bed moaned, "Whatever."

Double D shook his head and nagged, "Now listen here Eddy, if we are going to make it through this camp you are going to need to cut back with the scamming. It doesn't exactly endear us to the rest of kids here."

Eddy groaned, "Whatever, mom." As he crept out of bed. After a moment however Eddy's head perked up as he came to a realization, "Don't be so quick to nag me Double D, you didn't exactly help our standing with the others last night."

"What are you talking about?"

Eddy grinned, "Come on, your little hissy-fit about having to bunk with that Piggy-Bank guy."

Double D sighed, "But Eddy, I couldn't breathe!"

Eddy shrugged, "Don't look at me man, I'm not the one whose feelings you so thoroughly disregarded!"

Double D stubbornly shook his head, "I'm sure they all understand the nature of the little pickle Pig-Pen and myself found ourselves in. It's not like it's a permanent condition, he just needs a shower!"

…...

Double D couldn't help but notice that most of the kids from the other school where giving him the cold shoulder. He smiled as he passed by Marcie and Peppermint Patty and greeted, "Salutations ladies, a fine morning we're having, huh?" The two girls glared at him and turned away from him without speaking to him.

Eddy, who was walking beside him along with Ed, didn't hesitate to rub this into his friend's face. "So sock-head, remember all that talk about me making us pharaohs?"

"Pariahs, Eddy."

"Yeah whatever, looks like you've been doing a pretty good job making friends."

Ed frowned, "Is Double D going to become a mummy Eddy? Is he going to try and eat my brain?"

Eddy laughed, "Wouldn't be much of a meal, mono-brow."

Double D sighed, "I'm sure this is all just a big misunderstanding."

Despite Double D's verbal self-assurance, this was clearly eating away at him. Did his neat freak tendencies really alienate himself from his peers?

Taking note of Double D's misery from a distance was Lucy Van Pelt, who sprouted a greedy smile.

…...

"Hmph, that kid with a sock for a head is really immature. I can't believe he reacted like that, it's just a little dust." Pig-Pen complained to Linus and Charlie Brown.

Linus scoffed, "Hmph, these Peach Creek kids really have some nerve. First they try to scam us, then they get us involved with their psychopathic girlfriends." Charlie Brown shuddered at the thought of the Kanker sisters as Linus spoke. "And now they can go around thinking they're better than us!"

Pig-Pen nodded, "Yeah, exactly! I'm not going to take this lying down! Violet and her friends make fun of me enough, I'm not taking this garbage from a bunch of low-life scammers." With a sense of right on his side, Pig-Pen bid the other boys farewell leaving them to discuss matters.

"I'm telling you Charlie Brown, these Peach Creek kids really are all bad news."

Charlie Brown shrugged, "Double D seemed like the most reasonable one yesterday."

Linus sighed, "Well it seems like he has some sort of superiority complex. Granted it may be justified in respect to his friends but nothing gives him the right to freak out like that to Pig-Pen.

Charlie Brown looked across the camp to see that Double D was getting the cold shoulder from Schroeder and Sally now and muttered, "Well at least someone else besides me is getting all the flak right now."

…...

"Sheesh Double D, that was a very inconsiderate thing you did to poor Pig-Pen last night", Nazz scolded. Double D had hoped that she of all people would agree with him, but that clearly was not the case.

"B-but Nazz, I couldn't breathe! It was a matter of safety" the thin boy pleaded.

She rolled her eyes, "Oh cut the melodrama dude", and walked off.

Eddy, never out of earshot, once again commenced with the rubbing of the salt in Double D's emotional wound, "Oooh shot down, Mr. Nice Guy."

Double D moaned, "This isn't funny Eddy. Perhaps everyone is right! Perhaps I really am a terrible, judgmental person. All because of this accursed phobia of dirt!"

"As Nazz said, quit it with the melodrama, Shakespeare. Just get over it."

Double D cried out, "If only it was that simple! Don't you think I'd love to be rid of this...obsession! Oh I've tried, but it's not possible! It's like going against who I am."

Eddy raised his eyebrow, "Sheesh, lighten up. Alright then don't give it up. Who cares? You realize this whole thing is going to blow over anyway?"

"Now I wouldn't say that short stuff. After all first impressions are incredibly important" Lucy Van Pelt interrupted. "Of course...Double D is it? Of course you already seemed to have endeared yourself to all the girls here by peeping into our barracks yesterday.

Double D's face went red and he muttered sheepishly, "Oh well I told you I was just trying to drop off that girl's..."

Lucy rolled her eyes, "I'm not really interested in that shrimp. What you need to understand is that people here are going to eat you alive over this clean freak thing."

Eddy stepped in between her and his friend and demanded, "What the heck do you know? Double D's one of my boys, and if he needs to be clean then he stays clean!"

Double D smiled, "Eddy! That the kindest thing you've ever done for me, I'm so proud to..."

"Stuff it Sock-Head."

Lucy shook her head, "Listen 'Sock-Head', listen to Napoleon over here all you want, but if you keep freaking out over being near someone like Pig-Pen, then nobody is ever going to want to be around you. It's like walking on eggshells, having to make sure that we're squeaky clean to be near you. Who'd really want to bother with that?"

Double D thought to himself for a moment and asked, "People don't really think that way, do they?"

Lucy grinned, "Oh that's the general consensus from people from my school. It doesn't seem you're too popular with the other kids from Peach Creek either."

Eddy shouted, "Hey, I'll have you know that we're the coolest kids from that cul-de-sac!"

Lucy smirked, "Oh? That doesn't sound at all like the things some of your 'friends' are saying. Like Kevin, Sarah, and what's her name...oh yeah...Nazz."

"Oh yeah? We'll I think this chick is full of -", Eddy stopped out of surprise when Lucy dismissively put her elbow on top of his head.

"Yeah, well when they aren't talking about how irritating this shrimp is, they are all about how anal you are Double D."

"I'M NOT SHORT!"

Ignoring Eddy, Double D sighed, "Really? Oh dear, I always knew that I must have come off as eccentric to them, but I never imagined I was hurting my chances at friendship because of my phobias."

Lucy threw her arm around Double D's shoulder, the close contact with a girl quickly causing him to shake in anxiety. "You're in luck of though, because I can help you with your problems."

Eddy folded his arms and stared at Lucy, with a coy grin on his face, "Oh this should be good."

"You see Double D, I'm psychiatrist. I regularly help my good friend Charlie Brown with his self confidence problems daily."

Eddy laughed, "Charlie Brown? The bald kid? Good work, he totally doesn't seem like he's one bad day from a nervous breakdown."

Double D looked at her skeptically, "While I do admit that perhaps my problems would best be addressed from the lens of psychotherapy I do find it improbable that you would possess the credentials necessary to treat me."

Lucy shrugged, "If that's what you think. But just remember, every time you scream bloody murder about being near dirt people are just going to hate you more. We're on day two of this month long camping experience."

Eddy started walking away while laughing at Lucy, "From one professional scammer to another: target the dumbest in the pack instead of the smartest. My buddy here clearly isn't interested in your psychotic therapy mumbo-jumbo." He signaled for Double D to follow him, "Come on Sock-Head. Word is that Charlie Brown's sister is head over heals for that blanket kid. I'm thinking we could pull a love potion sc-". Eddy stopped walking when he noticed his friend was not budging; Double D seemed to be lost in thought. Eddy growled in annoyance, "Anytime you're ready grandma!"

Double D meekly replied to Eddy, without making eye contact, "I think...I think I'm going to see if Lucy can help me."

Lucy grinned at Eddy triumphantly, savoring the look of disbelief on the little dwarf's face.  
"Are you serious Double D? This chick is just trying to fleece you."

"Come on Eddy, it's for the sack of self-betterment. I need to be a more accepting person. Lucy can help me overcome whatever inner demons may be causing me to overreact like I usually do."

"Don't tell me you believe this crap!"

"Eddy, psychology is a legitimate field of science. To delve into the mysteries of the human self. I for one am ready to really confront who I am Eddy. I believe that doing so would do you a world of good too."

Eddy spat, "Bah, like I'd give her any of my money! You're a sucker Double D!"

…...

An irritated Eddy sat down at the lunch table with Ed, who was inhaling his tray of food-like substance like an airplane turbine. "I love this orange stuff they put on my plate. I don't know what it is but it sure tastes good Eddy!"

"Shut up Ed."

"Oh Eddy, do you need a hug?" Ed asked with his arms stretched out.  
"Get away from me you freak!" Ed pouted at Eddy's response. "It's that stinking Lucy girl that's been bothering me."

"Ooooh? Do you like her Eddy? As in _like her_ like her."

Eddy began to grind his teeth, "No you moron, she's scamming Double D. He thinks that she's going to stop him from being a neat freak and germaphobe."

Ed smiled and reached into his green jacket. He pulled out a rotten green piece of cheese and kissed it, "That means Double D won't have a problem with Sheldon, my pet cheese!"

"You're a freak, Ed." Ignoring his lummox of a friend, Eddy muttered to himself, "I need to find a way to one up Lucy." He thought for a moment until the metaphorical light bulb went off. Eddy grinned, "If Lucy wants to make our Double D dirty, we'll make her Pig-Pen clean."

…...

Double D arrived at where Lucy had told him to meet with her, behind the mess hall. He sighed, _I hope nobody gets the wrong idea of what I'm doing here. I'm not the kind of person to meet in sketchy places like this._

Double D spotted Lucy at a makeshift wooden booth advertising for five cent 'Psychiatric Help'. _Well at least the price is certainly reasonable,_ Double D thought.

It seemed she already had a customer, Charlie Brown. He had a desperate look on his face and was pouring his heart out to her, "...really thought that maybe I'd have a clean slate coming to camp this year, but I'm having even more trouble fitting in with these kids than the ones at home. I don't know what I'm going to do, Lucy. I feel like..." Double D noticed the look of disinterest on Lucy's face as her patient rambled on.

He began to second guess going through with this. Before he could turn around though Lucy noticed him and smiled. She rose to her feet and cut Charlie Brown off, "Alright that's enough. You're problem is that you're just too boring and people don't like that. Now get out of here blockhead, I have a new customer."

Charlie Brown tried to raise a protest, "But I paid the five cents, don't I still have like ten more minutes?"

Lucy shook her head, "Double D's a new patient, you can't hog all my time, Charlie Brown."

Dejected, Charlie Brown walked off. Double D tried to stop him, "Oh it's no problem, I can wait, really..."

Lucy smiled, "Oh don't worry about him." She then whispered (though still loud enough for Charlie Brown to hear), "Besides, he's hopeless anyway." Charlie Brown grimaced as he left the two of them to begin their session.

"Welcome Double D, I'm glad to see that you could make it."

Double D looked at her nervously and smiled, "Oh yes, well..." he was at a loss for what to say, "Perhaps we should commence?"

Lucy didn't budge. She merely sat there staring at him. Double D began to sweat, _What do I do in this situation? Is she testing me? Oh my, it's like she's glaring into my soul!_ Double D averted his eyes from her cold stare, only to note that she was strumming on a tin can, which read "Five Cents".

Double D sighed out of relief and dropped a nickel into the can, "My apologies Lucy. I suspect this is what you were waiting for?

Lucy greedily glared at her can, "Very much so. There's something soothing about the smell of nickel hitting tin." She gazed lovingly at the can for one more moment before turning her attention to her client. "Alright, so, you want to get over being a paranoid neat freak."

Double D stammered, "Well I suppose that's what you-"

Lucy interrupted, with an eyebrow raised and a grim frown on her face, "Yes or no please."

"...yes..."

Lucy's frown quickly turned to a smile as she clasped her hands together, "Very good, the first step to recovery is the admittance of a problem. In your own words you're a neurotic clean freak who has to be so perfect that everybody around him can't stand him and he's going to die alone because he'll never be able to so much as hug a girl with hyperventilating."

Double D glared at her, his patience beginning to wear thin, "Hey! I never said any of tha-".

Lucy quickly shushed, "Hey, my time is valuable pal, do you want my help or not?"

Double D sighed and nodded, "Yes Lucy." He wondered, _How can that Charlie Brown stand this?_

…...

Pig-Pen was looking pretty sure of himself; he and Linus had just trounced Kevin and Rolf in a two on two game of basketball. Pig-Pen of course did all of the work; even showboating by sliding on his knees as he made his final game winning shot.

Pig-Pen grinned at Kevin and Rolf and boasted, "Is that the best Peach Creek has to offer? We should go two on one next time, I don't even need a partner to humiliate you stooges!"

Linus rolled his eyes and walked off while Kevin quipped, "Whatever Pig-Pen. We're hitting the showers, I'm sure you wouldn't be interested in that though."

Rolf laughed, "Oh-ho! The filth on the Swine Boy looks like the film stuck to the bottom of Great Nana's foot and smells of the urn of Great Nano's back hair!"

Rolf began laughing uncontrollably as Kevin slapped him on the back, "You're a freak dude."

The two walked away, with Rolf laughing as he compared Pig-Pen's dust to the sandstorms of his old country.

Pig-Pen yelled after them, "At least I have self-respect." He the muttered to himself, obviously annoyed, "Stupid jocks". He turned around and nearly tripped over Eddy, who was standing just a little too closely too him. "Sheesh, where the heck did you come from!"

Eddy was giving him puppy-dog eyes, an obvious ploy, "I heard what they were saying to you Pig-Pen, that really was horrible."

Pig-Pen shoved him aside, "Shut up shrimp, if there's one thing I know, it's that I'm not dealing with you Eds."

Eddy grinned, "But don't you see, pretty soon people aren't going to want to deal with you."

"Good, if they can't accept me, then they aren't worth my time."

Eddy sighed, "You're just like my friend Ed. He doesn't care much for hygiene and everybody hates him for it. Just watch. You know that chick with the freckles." Eddy pointed at Peppermint Patty who was standing with Marcie near a bush. Pig-Pen nodded. Eddy whistled...nothing happened. Eddy cleared his throat very loudly and whistled again.

"HUG FOR ED!" Ed leaped out the bush, covered in mud and twigs, and pounced on Peppermint Patty who instinctively shrieked and kneed poor Ed in the gut, leaving him writing in pain on the ground.

Eddy smugly grinned at Pig-Pen, "See what I mean?"

Pig-Pen yelled in response, "That's cause you freaking had him assault her you psychopath!" He stormed off, Eddy tried following him leading to Pig-Pen shouting, "STAY AWAY FROM ME YOU FREAK!"

Eddy growled, "This is going to be harder than I thought...we're going to have to take...alternate methods."

Ed, after being kicked four additional times by Peppermint Patty (and once for good measure by Marcie) crawled to Eddy with a smile on his, "Did I do good, Eddy?"

"Shut up, Ed."

…...

Double D is a rational person; when he encounters a problem he tries his hardest to find a logical and practical solution to his dilemma. Double D is also a very neurotic individual who often times can take criticism of himself to Charlie Brown levels of self loathing. Unlike Charlie Brown these fits of self-loathing don't manifest primarily by depression but by serious attacks of anxiety.

Unfortunately when the logical aspect of Double D directly clashes with the neurotic aspect, the neurotic always wins out. It took Lucy all of ten minutes to firmly convince the boy that he had serious issues. The results were not pretty.  
The poor boy was nearly in tears, "What if I can never form any sort of emotional attachment with people because of this cursed condition of mine!" Lucy was very uneasy. On one hand she certainly seemed to have secured him as a patient...but Charlie Brown never freaked out like this guy did.

Double D paused for a moment, the look of absolute shock in his eyes, "...what if I'm a sociopath? Unable to connect to my fellow human being! What if I'm a vile, selfish, sadistic person whose only concern is my own cleanliness! How ironic it is: my clean exterior would harbor such a filthy interior!"

Lucy snapped at him, "Good grief will you shut your trap! What kind of freak are you?"

That wasn't the correct thing to say, Double D began wailing, "An inhuman freak! I'm a one-dimensional shell of a human being!"

Lucy smacked her palm to her face, in exasperation, _This is isn't worth five cents._

She growled at him, "Alright stop your blubbering, you're here for _help_! The good news is that I can treat you."

Double D however wouldn't stop sobbing, "It's no use, I'll always be like this! An outcast in a sea of dirt and grime!"

Lucy muttered, "Actions do always speak louder than words."

She reached under chair and picked up a large bucket. Double D looked at it in horror, "What are you doing?"

Lucy smirked at him, "Why beginning your treatment, silly" and she splashed a reeling Double D with a bucket full of mud.

…...

Gritting his teeth, Eddy pushed himself past Sally Brown and Sarah, both who were complaining about their respective brothers as Jimmy listened in awkward silence. He was dragging a hose, that was hooked up to the back of the cafeteria in a search for Pig-Pen.

"Watch where your going, nimrod!" Sarah screeched at him.

Sally Brown raised one eyebrow and asked, "What are you doing with that hose?"

Eddy sneered, "I'm cleaning that cesspool of a friend of yours!"

Sarah screamed, "Shouldn't you be focusing on my disgusting brother instead?" It was true, Ed was probably more downright disgusting than this Pig-Pen guy, but he sure wasn't being smug about it. Pig-Pen needed to be knocked down a peg or two in addition to Lucy.

Sally shook her head, "Even if you get him with that water, you're just wasting your time."

"Why not, don't you want to see him clean? Just as much as everyone wants to see Double D dirty?"

Sarah rolled her eyes, "No one cares really about Double D being dirty."

Sally continued, "Or Pig-Pen being clean."

Eddy growled at Sally, who backed away from him nervously, "That harpy of a friend of yours is using psychic mumbo-jumbo to try and turn him into a slob like Pig-Pen or your brother." The last bit directed to Sarah. He seethed for a moment before shouting, "Worst of all, he's PAYING her for this!"

Sarah rolled her eyes, "Pig-Pen isn't going to pay you to clean him, moron."

Eddy grunted, "Doesn't matter. It'll show everyone that if Lucy can change Double D, I can change Pig-Pen! I don't want her one-upping me!"

Sarah smirked, "What's there to one-up short stuff?" which prompted a laugh from Jimmy and Sally.

Eddy ignored them, "Whatever, that disease ridden slime is getting cleaned!"

Sally shook her head dismissively, "It's not going to work Eddy."

"What are you talking about blondie?"

"Pig-Pen is magnetically attracted to dirt" she explained, "It isn't like he goes out of his way to be dirty, he's just physically incapable of being clean."

Eddy then saw Pig-Pen walk past with a coughing Schroeder. Sally was right, as he walked past the dusty soil that made up the camp ground, dust and dirt were pulled from the top layer and joined an ever growing cloud that surrounded the boy."

"Damn, if Double D wasn't such a pansy, he'd probably want to study this."

"See", Sally continued, "it's impossible to beat Lucy at this."

Jimmy added, "I'm still confused on what you're even trying to 'beat' her at."

Eddy stared again at Pig-Pen. If he soaked him all he'd do is get himself beaten up. But if that no good Lucy actually succeeded with Double D as a patient, she'd soon be rolling in all the money the suckers at camp had. Money that rightfully belonged to him.

…...

Double D was shaking in his chair: he was filthy. Absolutely filthy.

Lucy slyly grinned at him. "How're you feeling, sweetie?" _Sweetie? Is this a joke to her? _Double D had never felt so violated before in his life. His body was now covered in mud, drying on his skin under the beating hot sun. He thought about all the bacteria that were gallivanting on his person now. Multiplying and multiplying and multiplying.

Lucy toyed with her can of money as she casually stated, "The only way to deal with a problem is to confront it directly." Double D certainly felt this was as direct as you can get. Unfortunately he was also in the process of hyperventilating.

"All the germs...all the germs...creeping into my pores!"

Lucy leaned back in her chairs, "If you never expose yourself to germ ridden things, how can you expect to build up a proper immune system. Heck, now that I think about it, I'm saving your life Double D!"

"Not on my watch, sister!" Eddy, with Ed standing happily behind him, stood defiantly in front of Lucy's stand, holding the large garden hose that he intended to use on Pig-Pen.

Double D looked at Eddy nervously, "What do you think you're doing with... ACK COLD! COLD! COLD!" Eddy smiled as he unleashed a torrent of water upon his neurotic friend.

Ed excitedly hopped in place, "Me next Eddy!"

"Keep your shirt on Ed, we got to make sure Double D is nice and clean."

After the initial shock Lucy got out of her seat and approached Ed and Eddy, "What do you think you're doing pipsqueak? That's my client, we were having a breakthrough!"

"Break through this!" Eddy sprayed Lucy in the face with water, laughing hysterically as she floundered.

A soaking wet Double D pleaded, "Gentlemen, please stop this this instant!"

Eddy smirked, "Sure thing Double D." Lucy instantly made her way to Eddy for a knuckles sandwich, only to be blasted by another shot of water. "We like our friend Double D just the way he is, thank you very much! Stop trying to change him!"

Double D merely pleaded, "Eddy, this is not wise. At ALL!"

Ed shook his head, "Aw come on Double D, she's just a girl."

"JUST A GIRL? The Kankers are just girls too! Did you happen to forget how they manage to make our lives miserable day after day?" His protests fell upon deaf ears. Ed and Eddy were simply having too much fun messing with Lucy.

The combined sound of Eddy's maniacal laughter, Lucy's screams of rage and frustration, and Double D's cries of protest quickly drew the rest of the camp to watch on at the scene.

Kevin rolled his eyes, "Looks like Dorky's sunk to an all new low. Attacking girls. Very classy."

Linus however merely watched in apprehension, cryptically commenting, "Eddy's going to learn a painful lesson very soon."

Sarah scoffed, "That fathead never learns his lesson."

Charlie Brown sighed, "He's never dealt with Lucy before."

Double D still was trying to convince his friends to stop, "What about Sarah? How many times has she nearly killed us? From what I've gathered Lucy is just as unstable!"

"Lighten up Double D, as long as I keep drenching her, she won't be able to make a move."

Kevin, overhearing, smiled and bowed to the rest of the group, "Looks like that's my cue, be right back."

The other kids paid Kevin no mind as they continued to watch the spectacle: the great and fearsome Lucy Van Pelt at the mercy of some little loudmouth and the power of water.

Linus whispered to Charlie Brown, "I know this is too good to last, you don't have a camera on you?"

Nazz looked at Linus in shock, "Isn't she your sister dude? Shouldn't you be trying to help her?"

Linus shook his head, "I'm using every last bit of self-control I have to keep myself from taking that hose from Eddy...and drenching her with it myself."

Kevin meanwhile had followed the trail of the hose to it's source...and began to turn the valve.

Eddy's uncontrollable laughter continued, despite the warnings of his scrawny friend. He didn't notice the water pressure drastically decrease. He did however quickly and painfully notice Lucy Van Pelt's fist meet his face.

…...

"Once again Eddy, you've managed to leave us at the mercy of the other kids in a situation that..." Double D was silenced by a stream of water to his face.

Eddy grumbled, "I went after her for your sake, sock head!"

Ed, Edd, and Eddy were each hanging from a separate tree branch, a tight rope was tied around each of their waists to ensure they wouldn't escape. Most embarrassingly though each of their faces were painted red and white, like giant targets.  
Ed yelled, "Me Kevin! I'm thirsty!"

"Sure thing, Dork!" Ed quickly had blast of high pressure water to his face.

Lucy sat smugly at her stand, which now read, "Lucy's Aquatic Target Practice". Johnny and Snoopy walked by her stand as she grinned at them and advertised, "Hone your skills. Just try and hit an Ed straight in the face. Only ten cents!"

Johnny grinned, "Right on! Put me and Plank down for a go!"

Kevin smirked and tossed Lucy two quarters, "Back off melon-dweeb, I got this booked all afternoon!"

============================To be continued==================================

Next:

Charlie Brown joins the Dorkside


	4. Chapter 4

Of Dorks and Blockheads

by Sean Mahoney

You're a Dork, Charlie Brown!

Charlie Brown stepped outside his barracks and took in the beautiful scene that was a summer morning in the woods. _Today is going to be a good day_, he thought to himself. The ridiculous events that happened the day before regarding Double D trying to change himself may have resulted in a good laugh for everyone (and as an added bonus, it was a laugh not at Charlie Brown's expense for once) but Charlie Brown realized that he could make some changes about himself. If he were to keep himself in a good mood for the day, things would certainly go his way. You radiate how you expect to be treated to other people, so if he showed confidence and contentment, people would treat him well.

He stole a quick glance towards where Lucy had set up her little "game" involving the Eds yesterday. As per usual, adults seemed to not exist here at camp; the Eds didn't manage to escape from the ropes Lucy bound them in until well past midnight. Charlie Brown had felt somewhat bad for them, even if Eddy completely brought it upon himself and the others.

The Eds were still sleeping, it was obvious they were going to miss breakfast. Though he did somewhat feel bad for them, he was also relieved they weren't active right now. He didn't want to be made a fool of by falling for one of their scams like on the first day of camp. Thibault wouldn't start any trouble either, Charlie Brown was sure. Ever since his encounter with the Kanker Sisters, he had been in some sort of catatonic shock.

Charlie Brown was also sure that Lucy would be in a good mood today. She bested the Eds big time yesterday and would certainly be feeling mighty proud of herself. While a smug Lucy can be very annoying, a cranky Lucy is exponentially worse. Charlie Brown therefore checked that off as another reason why today would be a good day.

"Hey Chuck, you're looking pretty happy today", Peppermint Patty called to him as he walked outside. She was standing by the entrance, leaning against the wall.  
"Were you waiting for me?"

She shrugged, "Why not? Nothing better to do. Those Ed goons still out for the count?" Charlie Brown nodded which resulted in a sigh of relief from Patty, "That's good, I don't think anyone around here wants to put up with any of their tricks today!"

Charlie Brown shrugged, "I don't know, it's kind of nice having them around. People tend to hate them more than they do me." He then gave her a playful smirk.

Peppermint Patty returned his smirk, "Well they sure as hell deserve it more than you. Anyway, we got a full day ahead of us. Marcie still won't take her head out of that book about shapes. I thought she was supposed to be smart, aren't books about shapes for toddlers and stuff?" Marcie had tried to explain the premise of _Flatland_ to Charlie Brown on the bus ride to camp. It certainly was out of his...and Peppermint Patty's league of understanding.

Not wanting to insult Peppermint Patty Charlie Brown asked, "She's reading a book about shapes?" Before she could comment anymore Charlie Brown suggested, "Well we could find Linus."

Patty coyly smiled, "Oh I think your little sister has dibs on him all day. It's just us Chuck." She moved closer to him and grabbed his arm, "The question is, what do _you_ want to do today?"

Charlie Brown went beat red in the face. Now that they were getting older, Peppermint Patty's "playful teasing" was able to throw him off balance quicker than one of her expertly thrown curve-balls. Charlie Brown took a gasp of air before trying to reply, "Oh...maybe we can..." he paused not sure what to say. Looking into her eyes for a moment caused him to say the first thing that came to mind, "baseball?"

Peppermint Patty rolled her eyes, "Sheesh you're clueless. I swear Chuck I think you're almost as bad with girls as you are with baseball." She tugged at his arm, "Come on, I saw this little creek in the woods. It looks really nice we can hang out there for a while."

Charlie Brown began to sweat profusely. It wasn't that he didn't like Peppermint Patty. In fact he thought she was kind of pretty in her own way...as well as one of the few girls around that treated him like a fellow human (or more often than not at least). He just _really_ was convinced that no matter what happened, he was going to humiliate himself.

"Whoa-ho! Looks like someone's going to make a woman out of someone else!" The sarcastic voice of Kevin called out. "I'm just not sure who's making the woman and who's the woman to be made."

Peppermint Patty's flirtations had attracted most of the rest of the camp to them. Charlie Brown's humiliation for the day had already started: all before breakfast. Violet and the other Patty were still sniggering at Kevin's joke. The other Cul-De-Sac kids: namely Sarah, Johnny, and Rolf; were doing much more than sniggering. They were busting at the seems. Charlie Brown did however notice that Nazz looked upset. He briefly made eye contact with her before she quickly turned her gaze elsewhere.

Peppermint Patty was quick to fire back at Kevin."No one asked for your opinion...uh..." she turned to Charlie Brown at a loss for a name.

"Kevin", he whispered.

"Kev-O!"

Charlie Brown muttered to himself, "Kev-O?"

"Oh-ho! Does the manly girl wish to fight for the honor of he who's forehead shine's like Great Nano's left shin?"

Charlie Brown knew that Peppermint Patty was liable to explode in anger very quickly. Mustering all the courage he had he took a step in front of her and stared down Kevin and his crew as defiantly as he could.

Of course for Charlie Brown that meant he merely stated, in an almost whisper, "Come on, knock it off guys."

Rolf grinned, "Oh! Does the kneecap boy now grow a spine?"

Violet sneered, "You better watch out Kevin, you don't want to piss off Charlie Brown!" That got another hearty laugh from the group. Charlie Brown's face grew red. He instantly looked down at the ground, hopelessly trying to convince themselves that if he couldn't see them, they couldn't see him.

Peppermint Patty yelled at Violet, "You stay out of this!" She then nudged Chuck, "You can't let them walk over you like this!"

He whispered back in anxiety, "What am I supposed to do?"

"Call him out! Let him know that you aren't taking any of his garbage!"

Charlie Brown shifted uncomfortably before speaking up, "Kevin, leave us alone or else!"

Kevin started laughing and began to walk towards Charlie Brown, "Seriously Violet, I love this guy. He really is hilarious. So 'Chuck', you got a problem or something?"

Charlie Brown once again could not make eye contact, "Well...what I really meant to...that is to say...it isn't very nice...maybe you can let up on pushing other people..."

"What he means to say is that you're a rotten bully and if you don't stop, he's going to kick your sorry ass!" Charlie Brown grimaced and then shot an angry look at Peppermint Patty.

Rolf literally slapped his knee, laughing uproariously. Kevin smirked, getting in Charlie Brown's face. "Oh is that so? Is that what you are trying to say, 'Chuck'?"

In a moment of annoyance, Charlie Brown pushed Kevin away from him, "Back off Kevin!" His eyes meet with Peppermint Patty as she winked at him. He blushed and for a moment, feeling pretty proud of himself.

Of course such things are always fleeting for Charlie Brown, he noticed that the crowd had grown eerily silent; Kevin was pissed. "You think you can push me? Huh, Chuck?" He gritted his teeth, "I'll show you, you DORK!" He rolled up the sleeves of his arms and cracked his knuckles. The crowd began cheering for a fight. Charlie Brown winced and closed his eyes, fully expecting the barrage of pain that was to befall him.

"Hold it you dumb jock!", a familiar voice shouted. Lucy Van Pelt pushed her way past the crowd and walked up towards Kevin.

Peppermint Patty jumped forward and proudly declared, "Yeah Kevin, if you want to hurt Chuck you got to get through Lucille and myself!"

Lucy smirked and shook her head at Peppermint Patty, "That's not what I was going to say. Kevin, you_ could_ beat up Charlie Brown right now. Sure that would put the blockhe- I mean dork- in his place. But think, you could make a bit of money off of this." She directed towards the crowd, "I'm willing to handle any wagers anyone might have." Turning to Kevin she added, "And of course you'd get a ten percent cut should you win." _After I've had my twenty five percent cut that is, _she thought to herself.

Peppermint Patty shouted, "Hey wait a minute!" Charlie Brown smiled, she'd be able to get him out of this at least. "If that jerk-wad's getting a ten percent cut, you should give Chuck here the same offer."

Lucy bowed, "But of course, I thought that spoke for itself. Though I think we all know its not really necessary, eh Charlie Brown?"

Peppermint Patty boasted, "Oh yeah, how about this time tomorrow then? I'll have Chuck whipped up into shape. He'll tear you apart Kevin! The only way we'll be able to identify the body is by that ugly red cap of yours." Charlie Brown kept trying to shush her as she bragged, not once catching her attention.

Sarah muttered to Jimmy, "This Lucy girl reminds me more or that weasel Eddy each day we're here."

Jimmy nodded, "She certainly enjoys taking advantage of her friend, Charlie Brown."

Johnny was gushing, "Don't worry Charlie Brown! I'm betting on you! Plank says since you're almost bound to lose, should you actually beat Kevin it'll make us a lot of money!"

Lucy smiled, "So what do you say Kevin, you just need to wait until first thing tomorrow, then you can kick Charlie Brown's butt, and get paid to do it."

Kevin thought for a moment and shrugged, "As long as I put this dork in his place." He cracked his knuckles and smiled at Charlie Brown and sneered, "You had better get ready thrashed Chuck!"

Rolf stepped forward, putting his hand's on Kevin's shoulders, "Indeed, short fuse Kevin boy will take a boot to your posterior!"

Kevin shoved Rolf's hands a way and muttered to him, "Seriously dude, tone it down a bit."

Charlie Brown hung his head in exasperation as they walked off, _How the heck am I supposed to go up against Kevin?_

…_..._

"This is absolutely ridiculous! Lucy has gone too far this time!" Eddy shouted. The Eds had indeed woken up later than everyone else had camp, they barely managed to make it to breakfast, much to Double D's mortification. They had been quickly filled in by an enthusiastic Johnny; though really they were have heard from anybody. Everyone seemed to be obsessed with talking about Charlie Brown's imminent demise.

Double D agreed with his friend for once, "Indeed, as if it isn't enough that Charlie Brown must suffer because of Kevin's hair trigger temper, Lucy now profiting from her friend's misery."

Eddy gritted his teeth together, "I know, it's criminal! That should be _me_ making money off of this stinking fight!"

Double D mentally slapped himself, he should have known that all Eddy cared about was his pocket. Before he could scold him though, Ed piqued up, "Can Charlie Brown beat Kevin guys?"

Eddy began laughing, "That wimp? He won't land a punch on Kevin! It'd be a massacre!"

Ed looked upset, "But Mr. T says as long as you respect yourself and stay in school you can beat any bully!"

Eddy slapped Ed on the back, "That's not how it works in real life buddy."

Double D nodded, "And if it did, Charlie Brown still wouldn't have much of a chance. He doesn't seem to hold himself in very high regard."

Eddy grinned, "Yeah, he's like that donkey from that old kid's cartoon. The one with the bear."

Ed frowned, "But then why was Johnny so sure he was going to win? He said Charlie Brown would make him a lot of money."

Eddy shrugged, "Cause he's insane Ed. If you weren't so dense yourself you'd realize how weird Johnny is."

Double D added, "On paper Johnny's right Ed. Since Charlie Brown is clearly weaker and less aggressive than Kevin, not many people are going to bet on him. On the off chance that he does manage to win, the few people that did bet on him would make more money than those who bet on Kevin would make..."

"WAIT!" Eddy interrupted, "Melon head was right? If I bet on that wuss I'll get more money?"

Double D raised an eyebrow in surprise, "Well yes Eddy. It's a simple principal of gambling. Much like betting on horses. While I myself don't condone in such behavior even I am aware of how it works. I'm surprised that you of all people wouldn't-" Double D stopped his tirade when he realized that Eddy had rushed out of the room the moment Double D said 'yes'.

…...

Nazz glared at Kevin as he reclined on a towel on the small beach near the lake. He was sitting with those two girls: Violet and Patty. Nazz didn't think they were very cool.

"This is going to be great Kevin!" Patty exclaimed.

Violet smirked, "I've been wanting to see Charlie Brown get beaten up for a while. Occasionally he'll annoy Lucy to the point of her slugging him, but someone as athletic as you Kevin should really be able to put him in his place." Kevin grinned and began to flex his arms, showing off what little muscles he actually had.

Nazz sarcastically replied, "Yeah I sure agree with you Violet. I can't wait to see Kevin beat up somebody obviously weaker. Especially since he had the nerve to stand up for himself."

Kevin stood up, looking slightly hurt, "Come on Nazz, you can't let guys like him have any leeway. If I let him get away from shoving me then he'd start doing more and more. He'd be like just another Ed."

Nazz stared at him in disbelief, "Dude, you provoked him! You started making fun of him when he was talking to his friend, that Peppermint Patrick guy. And then every time he tried to politely tell you to stop you'd just keep on escalating things."

Kevin began to blush in guilt until Violet placed her hand on his shoulder, "You don't need to listen to her Kevin. She's just jealous that she isn't the only girl that's taken an interest in you."

Patty smirked, "Yeah, shes afraid that she now has to compete with other girls who are, in my opinion at least, far more attractive."

Nazz gasped in astonishment and turned away, "You guys are just like little kids, you know? Whatever dude, I'm out of here."

As Nazz walked away from Kevin and his new friends, she brushed past Lucy, who was greedily counting the money that the other campers had given her as bets on the fight. Nazz glared at her but Lucy paid the blond no mind. _She may be worse than Eddy,_ Nazz thought.

…...

Charlie Brown sat on a stump near the border of the woods, his face in his palms. He was sharing his seat with Marcie who had her arm around him, trying to offer him some sort of comfort. Peppermint Patty was anxiously pacing back in forth while Linus was sitting on his blanket on the ground, with Sally leaning her head on his shoulder, much to his embarrassment.

"I really wish I could just slug that Kevin jerk for you Chuck! Thinking that he can walk around picking on whoever he wants!" Peppermint Patty grunted.

Charlie Brown looked at her with hope in his eyes, "Who says you can't?"

She shook her head, "Come on Chuck, I can't fight your battles for you. He'll keep on picking on you even if I do beat him up."

Marcie looked up, "Why does anyone have to fight anybody else?"

Linus agreed, "Yeah, this is all very barbaric, can't you just reason with him?"

Sally giggled, "Like Kevin is going to listen to somebody as wishy-washy as my older brother."

Linus sighed, "That's a really nice thing to say, Sally."

She stood up defiantly, "Well it's true. He never used to defend me from bullies when we were kids. I had to fend for myself."

Linus smirked, "Weren't you the one who was going around kicking people out of the sandbox with Snoopy?"

She smiled innocently, "I don't remember. But seriously big brother, you need to do _something_ for yourself if you want anybody to respect you."

Marcie shook her head, "Nobody is going to think any less of you Charles if you refuse to fight him."

Peppermint Patty spat, "Are you kidding me, of course they will. He'll hear no end to it Marcie. Plus that snake Lucille would probably beat him up herself for getting in the way of that little betting thing she's got going on!"

Linus nodded, "I'm glad that my sister's utter lack of morals and decency is finally becoming apparent to you."

Marcie looked up once more to see the short figure of Eddy strutting towards them, "Speaking of people with low moral fiber."

Eddy was smiling as he approached the group, "Hey, what's up guys? Did I make a wrong turn and walk into the morgue or something?"

Peppermint Patty snorted in disgust, "What do you want? Here to rip Chuck out of anymore money?"

Eddy shook his head, grinning, "Me? Of course not. I just want to help your friend here in his upcoming fight."

Linus smirked, "Oh this should be good. How much are you going to charge him?" Linus rubbed his chin, "So how is it going to go? You're going to first fleece him out of his money, give him some bogus training, bet on Kevin, and laugh on your way to the proverbial bank as Kevin slaughters him."

Eddy frowned, even to Charlie Brown it seemed forced, "You wound me Linus. For your information I've put a lot of money down on Charlie Brown." He looked around, making sure nobody else was in earshot, "More money than I have on me to be truthful. The odds against your friend here are so ridiculous, I can practically retire if he wins!"

Marcie muttered, "The likelihood of you making over a hundred dollars, even if Charlie Brown wins at such odds, is very slim; let alone consider retirement." She was more or less ignored.

Peppermint Patty cheerfully slapped her friend on the back, "Hear that Chuck! You're worth at least a hundred bucks! You can tell that to Lucy or Violet next time they call you worthless."

"...Thanks Patty..."

Eddy put his hands behind his head, trying to look casual, "You see, I really..._really_...want your friend to win. I'm being completely legit here."

Linus rolled his eyes, "Oh whatever. I guess whatever you're going to pull is better than watching Charlie Brown get killed. What's your plan."

Eddy smiled and then suddenly his face went blank. "Oh yeah...that...well...".

Charlie Brown asked, "You...don't...have a plan?"

Linus groaned, "Why'd you even bother coming over here?"

Eddy shot back, "Hey, I said I'm here to help out! Doesn't mean I've actually thought of anything. We need to put our heads together." He turned to Linus specifically, "Especially if we are going to one up that sister of yours."

Linus frowned, he hated this Eddy creep, but he knew that Lucy was the one pulling the strings today. She needed to be beaten. Linus muttered to himself "...then I will be an enemy unto thine enemies, and an adversary unto thine adversaries." He looked at Eddy, "He's right, though I loath to admit it. Unfortunately I can't say coaching people in the art of warfare is my calling. I'm no Sun Tzu. Peppermint Patty however...".

Her face lit up, "You're right! I've coached people plenty of time. Heck Chuck, you know how many times I've had to beat up that Thibault creep! I can train you to fight!"

Charlie Brown smiled at her nervously, "Thanks...". He wasn't exactly looking forward to whatever she had in mind, but maybe it would give him some slight hope of not being killed by Kevin.

Eddy clapped his hands together and smiled, "Alright, awesome!"

Peppermint Patty put her arm around Eddy's shoulders, "And I know how you can help out, Eduardo! Chuck needs someone to kick around for practice right?"

"What?" Eddy shouted.

Linus smiled, "Of course, he does need to practice."

Eddy groaned, "Come on this is bul-"

Marcie shrugged, "Well Mr. Eddy, if you don't want Charles to win all that money you don't have to help him train."

Sally laughed, "Yeah but that'd make you a bigger blockhead than my brother!"

Eddy sighed, "Alright fine." He looked at Charlie Brown _It ain't like that wimp has it in him to hurt someone like me!"_

…...

"You're going to have to do better than that Chuck!", Peppermint Patty shouted as Eddy easily sidestepped one of Charlie Brown's halfhearted punches for the umpteenth time. Eddy retaliated with a swift punch to the gut. The foam gloves that they borrowed from the camp's gym mitigated the blow a bit, but it still was enough to knock the wind out of Charlie Brown.

Eddy groaned, "Sheesh, you really aren't cut out for this are you?"

Charlie Brown was inclined to agree, "Why did I have to push Kevin back, he's going to kill me now!"

Peppermint Patty sighed, "Chuck it's all in your outlook, you're fighting like you are going to lose. You need a motivation, a reason to win!"

Charlie Brown weakly offered, "Well I don't want to die, how's that for a motivation?"

"Not strong enough. Come on Chuck, why do you really want to fight Kevin?"  
Charlie Brown moaned, "I don't! I never did. I was dragged into this stupid fight that everybody wants me to lose anyway!"  
Eddy smiled, "Not me buddy!"

Linus, who was sitting on a stump, watching the practice unfold reminded him, "Only because you've bet on Charlie Brown."

Peppermint Patty lit up, "How about that? Everyone wants you to lose! You can show them different! Spite them Chuck!"

"I don't want to spite anybody..."

Patty groaned, "Well you also don't want to end up in the hospital thanks to Kevin kicking your ass do you?"

Eddy sneered, "You better get to spitting, cause I'll be sure to pound you after Kevin if you blow this!"

Charlie Brown sighed, "Oh come on, haven't I gone through enough today?" he slumped down in defeat, looking at the ground.

Peppermint Patty shook her head in despair before she thought of something. She walked over to Eddy and whispered into his ear. He looked at her suspiciously and shrugged. "Hey stripes, you're a fan of Joe Schlabotnik right?"

Charlie Brown looked up, confused, "Um yeah."

Eddy walked over, putting a hand on his shoulder, "Man do I feel for you. It must really suck to have your favorite player bumped _from_ the minors into...whatever's below the minors..."

Charlie Brown sighed, "Well he does his best, and that's all that matters."

Eddy nodded, "Oh yeah he certainly does his best. You know you really got to respect the guy. How many years has he held the record of strike outs. I think he would have gone for ten if it wasn't for that bloop single of his three years back." Charlie Brown stood up and stared at Eddy awkwardly. Peppermint Patty allowed herself a small smile.

Eddy sighed, "I really feel sorry for his fans though. You know the type. The kind of losers who root for him because they seem themselves in him: pathetic shells of human begins impossibly struggling to make anything of themselves."

Charlie Brown sternly replied, "At least he _tries_."

Eddy shrugged, "Well that used to be the case, until he started showing up on those reality shows and those car insurance commercials. Man he really sold out."

Charlie Brown's face grew stone cold serious, "You take that back...now."

"What that he's a washout or a sellout?"

Peppermint Patty cried out, "Don't you let him get away with that Chuck!" Linus rolled his eyes at what she and Eddy were doing.  
"What are you going to do? Hit me? You'd need to start pumping yourself with steroids like Schlabotnik did if you'd want to so much as bruise me. Of course we all know that didn't do him any good!" Eddy began laughing.

"Joe Schlabotnik would never do something like that you creep!" Charlie Brown shouted.

"Come on then, come at me!"

Charlie Brown, in a rare burst of adrenaline and rage threw a punch that connected with Eddy's chest, knocking the wind out of him.

Eddy moaned on the ground in pain, "...uncle..."

Peppermint Patty excitedly ran up to Charlie Brown and hugged him, "You did it Chuck! You knocked out Eddy! I think you may be able to take on Kevin!" Charlie Brown blushed at the hug. Looking at Eddy on the ground boosted his confidence too, even if he did feel a little guilty about slugging him.

Linus stood up and muttered sarcastically, "Yeah great job knocking him out." He motioned towards Eddy, "Come on, we better drag him back to camp, in case the Kankers are prowling around."

…...

After getting Eddy back to camp, Peppermint Patty spent a few hours with Charlie Brown privately. She taught him the basics of fighting which while he certainly wasn't an expert, may yet let him go against a windbag like Kevin.

"Remember Chuck, just keep a cool head out there. Kevin's nothing more than a bully, he wants to psyche you out. You just can't let him get to you."

Charlie Brown nodded. "Thanks a ton, Patty."

She smiled, "Hey, anything for you Chuck. By the way..." she quickly leaned in to kiss him on the cheek. He blushed in confusion, as per usual. "That's my other lesson. Whenever an opportunity presents itself, be sure to take it. You really should follow this philosophy in your everyday life more Chuck, but certainly keep it in mind against Kevin."

Charlie Brown nodded and was quickly assaulted by one more kiss. He asked shyly, "Was that another lesson?"

Peppermint Patty put her arm on his shoulder, "That was for good luck."

…...

Charlie Brown stood apprehensively the next day, five minutes before the scheduled fight. The entire camp had turned up to watch (with any adults who could step in to stop such violence being conveniently absent). Charlie Brown looked at the faces of his fellow campers, _Most of them are here to see me fail, to get beaten up._ He sighed, everyone seemed to hate him. He scanned the crowd and saw that Linus, Marcie, and Peppermint Patty were cheering his name. Peppermint Patty was holding a sign comparing Kevin to an specific piece of the female anatomy. Johnny also seemed to be cheering for him; Charlie Brown remembered that the bald boy had put money on him. _Eddy's also counting on me to win too. He's going to be pissed as hell if lose this fight_. Charlie Brown tried to reassure himself. He did eventually manage to knock out Eddy. And Peppermint Patty taught him some basic fighting pointers before hand. Most importantly though she told him to not let Kevin psyche him out: keep a cool head and not to let fear overtake him.

Eddy joined his two friends in the crowd. Double D looked at his battered body, shocked, "Good lord Eddy? What happened to you?" Eddy's position as Charlie Brown's punching bag had left him quite sore, with bright red bruises dotting his body from where his face hit the ground.

Eddy groaned, "Ensuring that wimp actually manages to beat Kevin."

Ed glared at Eddy excitedly. "Eddy! You look just like the boils on my back. You know, Lester, Sarge, Clyde, and Waymar Royce! Let me show you!"

Ed began to take his shirt off before Double D interrupted, "Ed I think we could all pass on that right now."

Eddy muttered to his friends, "Charlie Brown better not mess this up, or else he's going to get a second beating!"

Charlie Brown meanwhile was beginning to sweat. Kevin himself had yet to show. Peppermint Patty yelled that he probably chicken out but Charlie Brown knew better. Kevin wanted to prolong this experience as much as possible; to make Charlie Brown stew in his own fear.

"LADIES! GENTLEMEN! JIMMY!" the grating voice of Lucy Van Pelt cried out. "I bring you the fight of the century!" She pointed to Charlie Brown, "I bring you folks, captain of our very own baseball team and blockhead extraordinaire: Charlie Brown!" The few cheers from his friends were drowned out by the cruel laughter of the rest of the camp.

"And going against him, the captain of Peach Creek's very own football team. The start basketball player and all around athletic powerhouse: Kevin!"

Most of the crowd went wild. Kevin himself strutted confidently onto the "arena". He was noticeably not wearing a shirt, which Linus commented, "Is that really necessary?"

Lucy continued, "This is a straight up fight until a knockout! Just keep everything above the belt. And Charlie Brown, try not to die."

Ed gleefully hugged his friends, "This is great guys. See how much everyone thinks Charlie Brown is going to lose. That means he's the underdog. And they always win! That's their superpower I think."

Eddy fidgeted anxiously, "He's going to need superpowers to pull this off."

Lucy stepped away from the combatants. Kevin pounded his fists together, "I had to wait an entire day for this dork, but I'm finally going to put you in your place."

Charlie Brown took a deep breath, _I need to keep a cool head. Just watch what he does and react._

Kevin glared at him, "Come on Brown? You think I pick on you too much? Well why don't you shut me up?" Charlie Brown didn't respond, merely keeping his guard up until Kevin made his move.

Ed proudly nodded, "See? What did I say? Charlie Brown has got this is a bag like swag."

Double D chuckled, "Ed may be right. This highly cliché scenario seems to be dooming Kevin."

Eddy smiled, "Well I _like_ clichés."

Kevin started a lunge at Charlie Brown, but quickly stopped, as a fake out. He watched as Charlie Brown quickly moved in the opposite direction that Kevin had telegraphed. "So, that's how you're going to fight, eh Chuck? That what your girl Peppermint Patty taught you?"

Charlie Brown smiled, "Yes sir", _She taught me to keep a cool head._ He then charged, delivering a quick punch to Kevin's gut before he could react. "She also told me to take _any opportunity_ that presents itself." He glanced at Peppermint Patty who was beaming at him.

Ed was gushing, "See that guys! Charlie Brown is totally using the power of love against Kevin! It's just like _Revenge of the Zombie Couch Marauders of Venus IV."_

Eddy groaned and whispered that they needed to get Ed help to Double D.

Charlie Brown saw Kevin regaining his composure and extended his hand to him, "Come on Kevin, I think we can put this past us now."

Unfortunately this triumph of Charlie Brown's did not impress Kevin in the slightest. "I'm-going-to-kill-you-DORK!" Kevin charged at Charlie Brown and knocked him to the ground. He then began to assault him with a barrage of punches.  
Double D cried, "Good lord! Kevin is rabid!"

Ed smiled, "Oh don't worry, Charlie Brown will surely prevail."

Peppermint Patty meanwhile was trying to move into the arena to help Chuck. Lucy held her back, "This is a sporting event Patty, you can't interfere like this!"

"Look at what's going on Lucille, Kevin's going to kill him!"

Lucy shook her finger, "Charlie Brown waived all of my liability in this matter before entering the fight.

Kevin continued his barrage, now standing up and kicking the fallen Charlie Brown, his mouth gushing a fountain of profanity, "-God damn Dork! Making me look like a moron in front all of these-".

Eddy watched in frustration, "Dammit Charlie Brown! Hit him! Get up! Do something!"

Double D noted, "It looks like the fetal position he's assumed is granting him the greatest protection from Kevin."

Ed smiled, "It's alright. Once Charlie Brown comes to terms with himself his power level will triple and he'll blast Kevin with a wave of positive energy: obliterating him to the lowest level of Hades!"

On the other side of the crowd Linus looked at Snoopy, "Don't you think we should do something? Kevin is pulverizing him!"

Snoopy shook his head, _Hey, I'm not putting my life on the line here!_

…...

Kevin's attack went on for about five minutes before he exhausted himself. By that time Charlie Brown was very bruised and bleeding moderately. The crowd of course went wild. Ed stared in shock, "But Charlie Brown was supposed to win...".

Kevin turned to the crowd and bowed, "That's what this no good dweeb gets for starting stuff with me!" He winked at Violet and Patty who cheered louder.

Eddy stormed past the rest of the crowd and approached the fighters, "Oh what could you possibly want Dorky?"

Eddy was seething, "I want a shot at this loser myself! Now I owe Lucy money!"

Lucy who was in the process of doling out cash to those who bet on Kevin (while pocketing a good portion) turned to Eddy. "Oh what do you mean 'owe' me money? I'm sure you're willing to pay me right now, correct?"

Eddy nervously laughed, "Well the funny thing about that is..." He began to back away from an rapidly angering Lucy.

Kevin ignored them to continue gloating, "I really can't believe this guy thought he could beat me. He's such a loser. He can't even fly a kite right?"

"Alright, that's enough Kevin!" A female voice called out. Most of the gang instantly turned to Peppermint Patty who was busy trying to get Charlie Brown to sit up with Linus without him being in too much pain. She stared at them, "I didn't say anything."

"I did!" Nazz stepped forward and approached Kevin. "You should be disgusted with yourself."

Kevin groaned, "But Nazz, the idiot was -"

"Oh cut the crap dude! If you're supposed to be so confident and cool, why did you get bent out of shape when he talked back to you in the first place? You think you're so manly, pushing other people around and getting into fights all the time, but you're nothing but a giant Neanderthal!" Kevin blushed in embarrassment.

She then turned to the crowd, "And all of you make me sick! Cheering on Kevin as he slaughters somebody obviously out of his league physically. What is wrong with you?" She pointed at Lucy, "You especially! Isn't the poor guy supposed to be your friend? How could you so callously set all of this up, making profit on his pain?"

Lucy shrugged, "Okay, I'll give Charlie Brown half of my cut if you think that's fair-"

Nazz shouted, "NO NO NO! You just don't care do you? You don't care that you manipulated him and forced him to embarrass himself for your gain!"

"Should I?"

"AUGH!"

Eddy chuckled at Lucy, "Yeah, you heard Nazz you cold hearted-"

Nazz once again interrupted, "Don't even get me started on you Eddy! You're pretty much the most depraved human I've met! Of course unlike everyone else here, I'd completely expect this out of you!"

Eddy smiled, "Well at least I'm consistent.

Nazz ignored him and kneeled down with Linus and Peppermint Patty. Not even they were to be spared. "You guys were his best friends and you let him go through with this. What's wrong with you?"

Peppermint Patty shot back, "He needed to learn to stick up for himself! He can't let people pick on him all the time."

Nazz replied, "Well it almost got him killed! You shouldn't have kept goading him into this! And Linus you didn't do anything to help him!"

Linus meekly shrugged, "The lord helps those who help themselves?"

Nazz groaned and stood a woozy Charlie Brown up. "Come on dude, let's get you patched up, the nurse's tent isn't too far away from here." She glared at the rest of the camp and yelled, "You're looking at the bravest guy here, and he deserves better than any of you!" She planted a kiss on his cheek and helped him hobble across the camp. Charlie Brown's face lit up, _She kissed me! Nazz, the most beautiful, and now quite apparently kindest, girl from Peach Creek kissed me! Maybe this day is going to turn out alright after all!_

The rest of the camp walked them walk off silently. Most of them felt pretty guilty for taking part with everything that went down. Both Lucy and Eddy tried to assure themselves that they had done nothing wrong. Kevin on the other hand looked at Nazz and Charlie Brown with incredibly jealousy, yet also with great shame.

"Looks like the biggest wimp in the camp is going off to hang out with your girl shovel-chin!" Kevin glared at him and cracked his knuckles. He swiftly vented the rest of his frustration and shame onto Eddy.

Ed was the only one who seemed happy, "See Double D, Charlie Brown got the girl in the end."

The skinny Ed merely shook his head in disbelief, "Well I can assure you I wasn't expecting that to happen."

As the rest of the group dispersed, Linus sighed to Peppermint Patty, "I feel like a real heel right now. I shouldn't have sat back and done nothing." He looked over at Peppermint Patty who was eerily quiet. "You alright?"

Peppermint Patty snapped herself out of her trance and awkwardly responded, "Uh yeah, I'm fine", but her glance never left Charlie Brown and Nazz.

…...

Next: Blond is the New Red

To Be Continued


	5. Chapter 5

Of Dorks and Blockheads

by Sean Mahoney

You're a Pretty Cool Dude, Charlie Brown!

Charlie Brown wasn't exactly sure what to make of his current situation. One minute he's getting his ass handed to him by Kevin, hands down the toughest guy he's ever met; the next minute he's hanging out with the girl he thought was Kevin's girlfriend: the nicest, cutest, and coolest girl present at the camp.

"Dude, keep that ice on your elbow, you don't want it to bruise right?" She placed her hand on his arm, adding a little extra pressure onto the ice pack. He blushed and didn't say anything; what was he supposed to do around her? He'd never so much as spoken to her before; in the few days he had known her at camp he resigned to being a non-entity in her eyes.

She looked at his red face and giggled, "Aw, you don't have to be shy around me or anything. You're too nice a guy to be nervous." She thought to herself a moment and shook her head in annoyance, "Kevin can be a real jerk sometimes. I think he acts this way because of all the stuff the Eds try to pull on us all the time. It doesn't excuse how he treated you though."

Charlie Brown forced a smile, "Oh it's alright. I know it was a big misunderstanding."

Nazz shook her head, "You don't have to make excuses for him, he shouldn't have treated you like that. In fact, nobody there should have been treating you like that." Kevin was provoking Charlie Brown yesterday until Charlie Brown pushed him away. At that point the athlete flipped out and called him out in front of the camp. Charlie Brown's "friend" Lucy organized a huge gambling operation around the fight and his other friend Peppermint Patty spent the whole time trying to pump Chuck up to beat up the jock. Nazz was the only one disgusted with the entire situation and after Kevin beat Charlie Brown to a pulp she called out pretty much everybody in the camp. She then immediately took him to the nurse and got him patched up and spent the rest of the day making sure that he was feeling alright.

"Oh well I'm used to it", Charlie Brown meekly responded.

Nazz groaned, "Come on, they treat you like dirt."

"Well that's how it's always been. I'm such a wishy washy loser that I can't blame them for-"

Nazz shushed him, "There you go again! Maybe people do treat you like garbage, but you can't for a moment believe that they are right! You're a much better person than anybody else gives you credit for." She winked at him, "I don't think any of the other guys from my neighborhood would ever dare to stand up to Kevin. Same goes for yours. I doubt that kid with the blanket or that conceited jerk with the toy piano would stand up to him at all. You tried to stand up for yourself and your friend Peppermint Patty, that takes a lot of guts dude."

Charlie Brown nervously smiled, "Really?"

Nazz nodded, "Totally!"  
…...

When Charlie Brown sat down to dinner with the Van Pelt siblings and Peppermint Patty, he looked like he was on cloud nine. Linus was quick to notice, "You seem much more cheerful than I expected you would, Charlie Brown? What's up?"

Peppermint Patty, taking a bite of baked potato, added in, "Yeah, did Kevin hit you too hard or something?"

Charlie Brown was beaming, "I spent the whole day with Nazz!" Charlie Brown didn't notice Peppermint Patty drop her fork. "You know Nazz! The blond girl from Peach Creek! She thinks I'm really cool apparently." He blushed, "She even called me dude!"

Lucy rolled her eyes, "Stop the presses, Charlie Brown has a crush on a girl totally out of his league again."

Linus rubbed his chin, "This seems a little different though; it sounds he's actually spoken to this girl for instance."

Lucy looked over at a table across the room where Nazz was sitting. She seemed to be scolding Kevin and Rolf. Lucy shrugged, "Well she certainly exists, unlike that Emily girlfriend you had. And by the looks on Kevin and Rolf's faces, she's still mad at them for what they did to you Charlie Brown. I better call up Satan and ask if I should bring my parka to hell."

Charlie Brown smiled, "Very funny Lucy. But seriously, I think she actually likes me as a human being. Maybe I even have a chance with her!" Nobody noticed Peppermint Patty's eye twitch.

Linus shook his head, "You just better not turn her into another Little Red Haired Girl. I may be your best friend but I'll be damned if I have to hear about how you are 'nothing compared to her' and how you can't talk to her. You're either going to ask her out now or drop it."

Charlie Brown's face went red and he gasped, "That's not fair!"

Lucy sniggered, "Here we go again, little brother."

Peppermint Patty finally spoke up, "You should just drop this Chuck. She'd never want to go out with you." The Van Pelts looked at her surprised for a moment. Linus then began to glare.

Charlie Brown looked hurt, "You think so?"

"I'm not trying to sound like a jerk or anything. But she's one of those cheerleaders. She's the most popular girl from their school. She's just like Violet! She's probably just setting you up to hurt you."

Lucy laughed, "Hey Peppermint Patty, I thought all you jocks loved cheerleaders?"

Peppermint Patty growled, "Shut your mouth Lucille!"

Lucy shrugged, "Seriously though I doubt Nazz is being insincere. She seemed legitimately pissed at all of us for what happened yesterday." She met Patty's eye, "Even you." Patty quickly looked away from the rest of the group.

"Yeah well I bet Kevin won't be bothering Chuck again!"

Charlie Brown was much more interested in what Lucy had to say, "Wait Lucy, you of all people think I have a shot with Nazz?"

Lucy nodded, "Yeah I know, who would have ever thought this would happen? But as much as I'd love to point out how much you can never be with her...like I would with our dear friend Heather...it seems like Nazz might actually tolerate you enough to like you." She then added, "God knows why of course."

Charlie Brown nodded, "Of course."

Linus cleared his throat, "Okay so it's settled then, you're going to talk to her again right now so as to not let this drag out, right?"

Peppermint Patty seemed outraged, "Come on! Don't be stupid Chuck, these summer romances end in nothing but heartbreak! Remember Peggy Jean?"

Charlie Brown winced, even Lucy seemed shocked, "Sheesh Patty, even I wouldn't go there with Charlie Brown."

Patty snorted as she stood up, "Fine, don't listen to me. Just watch as that blond bimbo goes and breaks his heart! It can be on all your conscious-es."

Lucy chuckled as she stormed off, "You certainly know how to get people riled up Charlie Brown."

Linus nudged his friend on the elbow, "Don't worry about Patty, she's just afraid Nazz is overstepping her boundaries, so to speak."

"What are you talking about?"

Lucy muttered, "Still dense as a brick."

Linus smiled, "More like a neutron star."

Charlie Brown ignored the insult, choosing instead to watch Nazz as she stood up from the table, having finished her tongue lashing of Kevin and Rolf.

Lucy noticed, "Oh hey, Charlie Brown is going into creepy stalker mode. It's a very rare occurrence to catch this phenomena as it first begins to happen."

Linus shushed her, "Stop it, she's walking over, don't mess this up for Charlie Brown!" He turned to his friend, "And don't you mess this up for yourself!"

Nazz walked over to the group and smiled at Charlie Brown, "Hey dude, Kevin's being a stubborn jerk over everything that happened, I tried to talk some sense into him and all but you know...pride is a hard thing to get over I guess."

Lucy laughed, "Of all of Charlie Brown's faults, excess pride isn't one of them."

Nazz stared at Lucy scornfully and said, "You really are charming. Must be why all the guys are fighting over you huh?" Lucy shut up quickly enough.

Charlie Brown couldn't make eye contact with her. A drop dead gorgeous girl was talking to him, actually being really nice to him for once in his life, and he couldn't even look her in the eyes. "Well I wouldn't worry about it. It's not like there're any hard feelings or anything. I...um...appreciate the fact that you're doing this for me though."

Nazz grinned, "You're a nice guy, Charlie Brown." She thought to herself, "It's kind of weird calling you by your first and last name."

Charlie Brown stammered, "Oh well everyone does it."

Nazz shrugged, "I kind of like Charlie better." She smiled, "Anyway, I'm supposed to play a doubles tennis match with Sarah, your sister, and some guy calling himself the Masked Marvel. Maybe I'll catch you around?"

Linus stared at Charlie Brown, cocking his head towards Nazz. Charlie Brown tried to work up the courage to ask her on a date. But he couldn't think of what he could possibly do with her at camp. He couldn't think how he'd be even nominally interesting to her. He couldn't help but think of what Peppermint Patty said: what if she was just setting him up? All Charlie Brown managed to get out was, "Oh! Um..bye bye!" He felt defeated as she walked away.

Linus groaned, "Great, I knew it. The Little Red Haired Girl all over again."

Lucy, who remained strangely quiet until this point spoke up, "No way, she totally wants you, Charlie Brown!"

…...

Eddy watched Nazz take her leave of Charlie Brown and his friends from two tables down and moaned, "This is nuts! What the heck does she see in him? He's a loser, a wimp, and a grade A chump!"

Double D, enjoying a piece of corn muffin that he had diligently cut into rectangles (to minimize the amount of spilled crumbs), couldn't help but laugh, "Jealous are you Eddy?"

Ed puckered up his lips, "It's alright Eddy, you always have Ed!" He threw himself on the table, causing Eddy to smash him over the head with his tray, "Quack! Ha ha ha."

"Sheesh, what are you!" Eddy grit his teeth, "Seriously, the loser gets his butt kicked and she's all over him!"

Double D sighed, "It's just like all the attention Jimmy gets, most people are drawn to other people's misfortunes. People like you and Kevin enjoy watching other people suffer." Eddy smiled, thinking about the time a bologna sandwich almost had Jimmy in stitches. "Those of us who aren't sociopaths try and help these people. We are compassionate towards their plight and suffering."

Ed grinned, "I like to care for the pets on my feet!" He raised his foot to the table and began untying his shoe, "I met theme here at camp, I have three of them: there's Fred, George, and Theon; Theon's kind of a jerk though. Let me show you!"

Double D nearly threw up in his mouth, "Please Ed! That won't be necessary."

Eddy muttered, "Glad I ain't bunking with him." Ed frowned, feeling dejected, and removed his foot from the table.

Double D wiped the sweat off his brow that he accumulated at the sight of Ed's foot on the table. He resumed his discussion with Eddy. "You seem to be rather threatened by Charlie Brown. Why should what happens to him and Nazz concern you?", Edd asked playfully.

Eddy crossed his arms and grunted, "Oh like you don't have the hots for Nazz too! It just bugs me that Nazz is going for someone like him! I mean we've known her forever and she's never gone for me!"

Double D interjected, "Us, you mean."

"Oh no, why would she ever want to get with you two. I mean I think Ed speaks for himself. And what are you going to do: entice her to your bedchambers with your vast knowledge of the Periodical Table of the Elements?"

Double D curtly replied, "That's Periodic, Eddy."

"That's exactly what I'm talking about; you're too much of a geek for her."

Double D shook his head, "You've made your point. Why could she possibly not be jumping into the arms of someone with such _confidence_ as yourself. Be serious Eddy, she spends all her time hanging out with Kevin who's a lot more like you than you'd care to admit." Eddy didn't like the sound of that, "Clearly she isn't endeared to that type of personality, so perhaps she's going for...the polar opposite. Which is more or less Charlie Brown."

Ed smiled, "Sarah says I have the personality of a rock guys!"

"Your brain's full of rocks monobrow." Eddy glanced over at Charlie Brown, who looked quite frazzled, "Well one thing I can say is our friend Charlie sure doesn't know how to talk to girls. He could have had Nazz eating out of the palm of his hand and he looks like he's hyperventilating."

Double D smiled, "Well it seems like for once we may be on the same page chum."

"Don't ever call me chum again."

"Er-yes, well from our brief interactions with him and his friends, girls do not seem to be Charlie Brown's strong suit."

Eddy laughed, "You got that right. You see how much that tomboy Pat or whatever hits on him yet he gets all tongue tied." Eddy smiled, remembering how thanks to that girl flirting with Charlie Brown, he managed to fleece him with that luggage scam. It would have worked out too if it wasn't for Kevin. Charlie Brown was such a sap. Especially when girls were around. Eddy bet he could make a killing off him right now. He grinned deviously. "Well anyway gentleman, I'm going to get going. Adieu."

"Excuse you mister!" Ed laughed.

…...

Charlie Brown took his leave from his friends in order to gather his thoughts. He was unsure of what to do with this Nazz situation. All signs seemed to point to her liking him, but things couldn't possibly be that simple. His thoughts shifted to Peppermint Patty's accusations of Nazz using him. Perhaps it made sense, there was really no reason for someone like Nazz to go for a guy like him.

He shook his head defiantly, _Peppermint Patty doesn't know what she's talking about. She always acts like this whenever the Little Red Haired Girl is involved. I don't know what her problem is._

He made his way through the woods and sat on a stump. He didn't think he'd be followed; nobody wanted to enter the woods since the Kankers decided to vacation nearby. He thought of Lucy, who seemed to encourage him going for Nazz. He was surprised, he expected her to say something like _"Nazz probably just doesn't know you well enough. Once she got to know the real you, she'd be as repulsed as everybody else." _

Charlie Brown moaned to himself, "I'm cracking up. Only somebody as sick in the head as me would think things like this. I really do see everything in the worst light."

"That why you're hanging out here, alone in these creepy ass woods?" Charlie Brown looked behind him to see Eddy leaning on a tree, grinning at him smugly. He didn't think he was in any mood for whatever Eddy had up his sleeve.

"Oh, I was just about to head back. I'll see you later."

Eddy cut him off, "Oh really? Cause I saw you take a seat...oh less than a minute ago. It's a pretty long trip to justify sitting here for forty five seconds."

Charlie Brown's eyes narrowed, "And what justifies you tailing me?"

Eddy smirked, "Oh well I just noticed how much Nazz was flirting with you. You're a regular player, ain't ya?"

Charlie Brown went red in the face, "How did you know?"

Eddy shrugged, "Oh come on. We all saw her take you away after Kevin thrashed you. Don't you tell me that you guys didn't have any fun?"

Charlie Brown managed to get redder, "I don't know what you're talking about!"

Eddy smiled, "Come on buddy, spill the beans!"

Charlie Brown sighed, "Seriously, nothing happened. Come on, why would Nazz go for a guy like me anyway?"

Eddy walked over and pat Charlie Brown on the back, "What are you talking about? What's not to like?" Charlie Brown raised an eyebrow. "I mean you're like a football captain or something, Nazz is totally into that!"

"Baseball..."

"Whatever! Look, what matters is she's into you. You just don't realize that. You just need some confidence."

Charlie Brown's face grew stern, "I am _not_ buying any "special enhancement" pills from you Eddy."

Eddy rolled his eyes, "Oh please, I'm not some drug dealer. Look, I can help you build up enough confidence to talk to her! You just got to practice your routine. Learn how to win the ladies over. You can start with Ed and then move onto Double D before we push you into the real thing.  
"Oh joy of joys..."

Eddy grinned, "And all for an incredibly cheap twenty five cents."

Charlie Brown rubbed his head and snickered, "Of course. I think I'll pass, you've taken my money before. Plus your 'assistance' yesterday didn't do much to help me against Kevin."

Eddy nodded, "Well duh, look at me! I'm not exactly what you'd call the world's greatest fighter. That was free yesterday though so you can't hold it against me. Besides..." Eddy smirked, "I'm a lover not a fighter."

Charlie Brown nearly gagged, "Why the heck should I believe that?"

Eddy grinned, "Cause my brother taught me everything there is to know about getting dames!"

"Dames...?" Charlie Brown asked suspiciously.

"Oh yeah," Eddy nodded, "He's the smoothest operator there is. He got with Debra Messing once!"

Charlie Brown rolled his eyes, "Debra Messing...right..."

Eddy sighed, "Well if that doesn't convince you, come on I must be doing something right. Look at how much those Kankers seem to adore me!"

"I thought they were psycho stalkers..."

Eddy interrupted, "That's besides the point! Come on, what do you have to lose besides a measly quarter?" Eddy grinned devilishly, "Oh wait I know!" and whispered into Charlie Brown's ear.

Charlie Brown quickly hushed him, "Sheesh Eddy, last I heard this was still a kid's show!"

Eddy smiled, "Come on Charlie Brown? I'm telling you she's into you."  
Charlie Brown thought for a moment and then shook his head, digging into his pocket. He pulled out a quarter and tossed it to Eddy. "Oh whatever, fine, I would have just wasted it on Lucy telling me how much I fail at life anyway. Do your worst Eddy."

…...

Lucy busted up laughing, "Stop it Charlie Brown! Stop it!" She had to grab her side, "You're taking romance advice from that little weasel, Eddy?"

Charlie Brown met up with the Van Pelt siblings, busy with a game of catch with Peppermint and Marcie to tell them what happened with Eddy.

Charlie Brown responded timidly, "Well how else am I going to talk to Nazz? I need to build up my confidence and..."

Linus interrupted, annoyed, "You could just _talk_ to her, Charlie Brown."

Charlie Brown gasped, "But I can't just talk to cute girls like that!"

Peppermint Patty groaned while Lucy shouted, "Well I see you're talking to me without any problems mister! What are you implying? That I'm not cute?"

Charlie Brown backed away from the angry girls, "No-no I don't mean that...I'm just not good at initiating conversation."

Peppermint Patty muttered to Marcie, "Chuck's not good at reading other people's initiations either."

Marcie nodded, "We've established that fact years ago, haven't we sir?"

Charlie Brown sighed, "Look, I know Eddy's a jerk. And if anybody has less of a chance than me at winning over Nazz it may just be him."

Linus smiled, "You see Charlie Brown, now you are actually rationalizing the situation. This is very healthy."

Charlie Brown continued, "But my problem is that I don't have any confidence in myself. Eddy perhaps has too much confidence. I think if I let him help me I can find some sort of happy medium between the two."

"And then you'll be able to win over your little Barbie Doll?" Peppermint Patty groaned.

Charlie Brown replied happily, "Hopefully!"

Patty rolled her eyes, "Awesome."

…...

"So let me get this straight? You miraculously managed to get Charlie Brown to pay you to help him muster the courage to ask out Nazz?"

The three Eds were lounging in the grass, watching some of the kids going about with their activities; namely the volleyball game including Nazz, Patty, and Violet (Kevin was there too unfortunately, occasionally making a quip about the Eds being losers or perverts). Eddy replied to the nagging of his dear friend, Double D with a simple smile.

Double D shook his head, "I truly don't know what's more disturbing: the depths that you'd sink to make a quick buck or Charlie Brown's folly in accepting your 'assistance'. Perhaps he really is as much of a blockhead as they say."

Ed butted in, "Aw come on Double D, this is so cool! Eddy's a matchmaker!" Ed then got a brilliant idea, "Oh oh! Eddy! Can you set me up with Wilfred? Ooh can you? Can you? Or one of Rolf's chickens?":

"You're a sick man, Ed", was all Eddy had to say.

Ed began to sing, "Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match! Find me a find! Catch me a catch."

Eddy moaned, "Oh brother."

Double D merely giggled, "Who knew Ed was so versed in the arts?"

Ed's face brightend, "Look Eddy! It's that Mint Chocolate Chip girl! Maybe you can set her up with somebody too!"

Eddy turned around and noticed an angry Peppermint Patty storming up to him. She moved right up next to him and growled at him, "What the heck is this I hear about Chuck paying you to hook him up with that bimbo!"

Eddy had to take a second to wipe Peppermint Patty's spit off of his face, "It's merely business."

Patty clenched her fists, "I'll show you the business if you keep this up you slimy little..!"

Eddy sighed, "Why are you so against your friend Charlie Brown being happy?"

Before Eddy could respond Edd jumped in, "She's right Eddy, you need to stop this nonsense right now. How can you so callously..." Eddy pushed his scrawny friend onto the ground.

"Listen Patty, I don't know what your problem with Nazz is, but it seems like you really have something against her getting together with your friend 'Chuck'. Well I wouldn't want to break anybody's heart..." he flashed a smile... "unless of course I was compensated for the emotional trials I would have to put myself for going through this."

Peppermint Patty glared at Eddy for a moment; Double D and even Ed backed away from her cold angry stare. Eddy however stood there grinning. Finally she spoke, unblinking, "I'll double what he's paying you."

Eddy quickly shoot her hand, "No problemo buddy! You got yourself a deal! Charlie Brown will be all yours, or whatever the heck it is that you want out of all this!"

Peppermint Patty rolled her eyes and muttered, "Don't make me regret this", before walking off.

Eddy felt elated, "Can you guys believe this? Both of those suckers are paying me now! Charlie Brown'll pay me to hook him up with Nazz: something we all agree is an impossible feat anyway. Yet Peppermint Patty is paying me to make sure that doesn't happen! I can't lose!"

Double D sighed, "It's amazing what things you can accomplish when you dip your conscious in a tank of gasoline and then blowtorch it into oblivion."

…...

Charlie Brown met up with Eddy at the same stump as earlier.

Eddy grinned, "Alright Casanova, ready to get your charm on?"

Charlie Brown, feeling that the whole situation was ridiculous to the point of being surreal, merely nodded.

Eddy thought to himself, _The is the easiest seventy five cents a man could ever make. _

Eddy began his lecture, "The first thing you need to know about girls, is that they don't like to think. They want, no...need you to make all their decisions for them."

Charlie Brown stood up, "Well that was probably the most offensive thing I've heard all year. I'm out of here."

Eddy groaned, "Wait wait! You're just not understanding me! What I meant was..." Eddy paused for a moment, in thought, "Is that girls like a girl who is confident enough to take charge of the relationship."

Charlie Brown, unimpressed, muttered, "Right."

Eddy nodded, "Totally. Listen, here's what you gotta do! Just walk up to her and ask..no...demand a date! 'Yo Nazz! You! Me! Dinner! Tonight!'".

"I'm asking her for a date at the mess hall? That's hardly romantic."

Eddy groaned, "That's not important. Now come on! Let me here you try."

Charlie Brown sighed, "Um hi Nazz.."

Eddy interrupted, "Yo! Yo Nazz! Come on, confidence! Confidence!"

"Yo is indicative of confidence?"

Eddy smiled, "Of course it is! Gangsta rappers say "YO" a lot too right? And they are like the epitome of confidence. You see how many girls they have on their videos?"

"Well yeah...cause they are paid models."

Eddy shook his head, "Come on, you can't argue this with me. Rappers get girls."

"Of course they do. But how is that relevant to my predicament?"

The light bulb went off in Eddy's brain. "Charlie Brown, you need to be more like a gangsta rapper!"

There was silence for a brief moment as the two boys looked at each other. Finally Charlie Brown turned around. "No. No. This is stupid. I can't believe I let you talk me into this. I was right, you really are probably the only person I know who is worse with girls than I am."

Eddy shouted, "What? What the hell are you talking about?"

Charlie Brown turned his head to face Eddy again, "I'm being serious. I know girls tend to go for assholes, but you're just too over the top. I couldn't imagine anybody taking you seriously. I mean I can't and I'm Charlie-fricking-Brown."

Eddy's face turned red, "You ingrate! I spend my free time to help you out and you have the nerve to talk smack about me!" Eddy began a steady stream of obscenities, each one louder than the rest. Charlie Brown just stood there. He almost wanted to laugh, it was almost funny listening to somebody more pathetic than him mouth off. That's why he didn't hear the sound of footsteps on dry twigs and leaves approaching.

Eddy continued his verbal assault, "You really think I'm being serious here? I'm trying to sabotage your stinking relationship with Nazz. That ugly Peppermint Patty chick paid me to! It's too much of a lost cause to help a worthless loser like you in getting-".

That one bit caught Charlie Brown's attention, "Wait, Peppermint Patty did what?"

Eddy, realizing he struck a nerve, grinned, "Yeah she paid me. She wants to see you fail buddy. She's like, what, you're best friend or something? She paid me to make sure you wouldn't get with Nazz.

Charlie Brown thought about how angry she was getting all day whenever Nazz was brought up. But to sink so low as to hiring Eddy to sabotage something that was probably going to lead nowhere anyway? "You're full of it Eddy. Peppermint Patty would never do something like that. Why the heck would she?"

Eddy shrugged, "How the hell would I know? Lucy and Violet and the other girls you know all seem to like to see you miserable, why would she be any different? Or maybe she's jealous of Nazz! Wouldn't that be a riot!"

Charlie Brown was getting impatient, "Enough Eddy."

"Enough?" Eddy laughed, "What are you going to clobber me for bullying you and your little tomboy girlfriend? Just like you annihilated Kevin, am I right?"

Charlie Brown sighed, "Of course I'm not going to fight you Eddy. But seriously, why do you have to be such a jerk about all of this?"

"Aw no fight? Things were just starting to get good!" A rather deep female voice exclaimed.

Both boys went silent. Charlie Brown looked around, confused. Eddy's face displayed pure terror.

"Kankers...", Eddy whispered.

The three girls emerged from the shadows. Marie, the blue haired Kanker complained, "It's just your little troll of a boyfriend Lee! Plus that creepy kid from the other day."

Eddy, in a lowered voice, sneered at Charlie Brown, "See! Not even the Kankers like you!"

Charlie Brown nodded, "At the moment, I'm perfectly fine with that!"

The buck toothed blond girl, May, wailed, "This stinks! I want to cuddle with my big Ed!"

Lee grinned at her sisters, "Sorry girls, looks like just me and my little man." She walked up to Eddy by the collar of his shirt, as he tried to make a break for it. "Isn't it cute when they struggle?"  
May whined, "But what should we do?"

Lee shrugged, "I don't know, you can have the spare I guess."

Marie gagged, "But he's so_ bleh"._

Lee, who was busy applying rose red lipstick in one hand whilst maintaining a hold on Eddy with the other smirked, "But he's friend's with that other kid. You know the blond guy who gave us those nice flowers."

"Schroeder?" Charlie Brown asked, in spite of himself.

"Yeah!" May yelled. "He's so dreamy."

Marie waltzed over to the trembling Charlie Brown, "So kid, you think you can hook a girl up with that hunk?"

Charlie Brown "Schroeder? A hunk?" Lucy would not like this at all.

May rushed over and pushed Marie out of the way, "No way Marie! Baldy here is gonna set Schroeder up with me!"

"AUGH!" Charlie Brown's spine tingled as he heard Eddy scream from Lee's kiss. A large lipstick mark branded Eddy's face.

Lee smirked, "Now girls, why not let Schroeder decide? Let's pay our new boyfriend a visit at camp!" The three girls began to cackle and walked off towards the camp.

Charlie Brown sighed, extending his hand to Eddy, "I think we've both had enough for one day."

Eddy mumbled, "Yeah, agreed."

…...

Peppermint Patty clenched her fists, gritted her teeth, and took a deep breath as she approached the sunbathing blond who had been the root of her current problems.

_Nazz,_ she thought to herself, _she's just like all the others. Out to hurt Chuck. I can see that little harpy for what she really is!_

Nazz noticed Patty approach and smiled at her, "Hey dude, what's up?"

"Don't you _hey dude_ me Nazz! I got a bone to pick with you!"

Nazz sat up on her beach towel and removed her sunglasses, blinking in confusion, "Um...come again?"

"You heard me! I'm sick of seeing you leading Chuck on. It's obvious you don't care about him, you just want to see him get hurt!"

Nazz stared at Peppermint Patty with a look of bewilderment, "What are you talking about? I just thought-"

Peppermint Patty stamped her foot, "You thought nothing! He's been acting all crazy about you the past day!" _Just like he does with that Red Haired Girl_, she noted to herself. "I'm sick of seeing girls like you get his hopes up, just to hurt him!"

Nazz stood up and faced Patty, "I never wanted to hurt him. I just want him to have a friend that looks out for him. How Kevin treated him yesterday was disgusting, but seeing how all his "friends" acted towards him was even worse!"

Peppermint Patty glared at the blond girl, "Are you saying that I don't care about Chuck?"

Nazz sighed, "Well dude, you were really hard on him about fighting Kevin, somebody who obviously could kick his butt."

Patty yelled back, "Yeah, well Chuck needs that! You see how everyone walks all over him and he just takes it! He needs somebody to encourage him to stick up for himself!"

Nazz frowned, "Even if that means pushing him around yourself?"

Patty sneered, "Well maybe it's like that Macadamia Nut guy said, 'the ends justify the needs'. Chucks needs to toughen himself up or nobody's going to ever take him seriously. Who could really like a wishy washy guy like him."

Nazz shrugged, "Well I think he's a really nice guy that deserves friends that like him for who he is." She smirked again, "And I think you do too."

Patty gasped, "What?"

Nazz elbowed the freckled girl, "It's pretty obvious dude, you have a soft spot for good old Charlie."

Patty blushed, "Says who? He's just a good buddy of mine, that's all!"

"Come on Patty, you don't need to deny it, everyone is saying that you've been acting like a nut today, since I started hanging out with Charlie. It looks like you even approached me with the intention of giving me a black eye over him."

"Well you know friends like us have to stick together..."Patty responded, unconvincingly. She saw that Nazz wasn't having any of that and sighed, "All right fine, you win. I really like Chuck. I have for a while. I think he's a really great guy. But it doesn't matter does it? He doesn't feel the same way about me. And now that you've got him wrapped around your finger I don't even stand a chance, do I?"

Nazz smiled and rolled her eyes, "Come on Patty, I'm sure he likes you just fine. And don't worry, I think he's a great guy too...but I still like Kevin too much."

Patty groaned, "What do you see in that jerk."

She shook her head, "He's not always so bone-headed, just when those Eds are involved. Sometimes he can really be a nice guy. But the point is, I never had any intention of going out with Charlie. I just wanted him to have a friend that he didn't need to worry about upsetting."

Patty sighed, "Well that still doesn't do me much good. He tends to worship girls from afar, even if they don't know he exists. I still can't compete with you."

Nazz smiled, "You know Patty, you and him really are a lot alike. You can't look at yourself in a positive light. You just need to talk to him and tell him what you really feel. I think he'll be pleasantly surprised by what you hear."

…...

Charlie Brown and Eddy returned to the camp, watching a screaming Schroeder being dragged away by the three hellish Kanker Sisters.

"Remind me to buy that guy a soda or something; Ed, Double D, and I freaking owe him big time for shifting the Kanker's sisters focus away from us."

Charlie Brown muttered, "Well he's getting his long desired break from Lucy."

"Hey! Charlie Brown!" Charlie Brown grimaced when he heard the voice of Kevin call him out.

"Not again." He moaned. Kevin and Rolf approached the two boys at a fast pace, with grim looks on their faces.

"What do you want, you freaking chimpanzee!" Eddy screamed.

"Nothing from you dork! I got business with Charlie Brown here."

"Not if I have anything to say about it!"

Rolf put himself between the two boys and yawned, "Enough of this macho tough-guy tomfoolery. He-who-pierces-pierces-ear-drums Ed boy please allow Kevin to continue so Rolf may go back to massaging the corn of the soles of his feet."

Kevin was silent for a moment before starting, "Yeah um...I guess I acted like a real jerk yesterday. I shouldn't have done...well anything that I did and all...so sorry, alright?"

Rolf was a little more enthusiastic, "Rolf also wishes to apologize for making merry at the sight of your thrashing. To your credit, he who the sun reflects off his head, standing up to Kevin is a sign of bravery where Rolf and the others hail from!" He dug into his pocket and produced a small felt badge with one large stick figure giving a smaller one a wedgie. "Rolf wishes to present to you the 'Facing Off with the Macho Tough Guy and Surviving With Dignity' badge and bestow upon you the rank of honorary Urban Ranger!"

Kevin face palmed, "Sheesh Rolf, you're overdoing it again."

Charlie Brown smiled awkwardly, not sure what to make of this 'honor', "Thank you Rolf...I'll certainly wear it with pride."

Kevin whispered, "You better wear it too, word of advice, don't _ever_ slight Rolf's honor or hospitality. I've been beaten with a giant fish for doing so before."

Eddy however was furious, "Why does he get a badge! He doesn't even know about your Urban Rangers! We aren't even in an Urban environment! This is bull!"

Rolf screamed, "EDDY! You tried to profiteer off this man's misfortune! NO BADGE!"

Charlie Brown couldn't help but chuckle. He noticed Nazz (who he had to admit looked quite good in her bathing suit...she must have been sunbathing) smiling at him. When they made eye contact she winked at him. _She must have really reamed into these guys big time to get them to do this._

Charlie Brown was feeling pretty good. Things were working out. Maybe he could end the day with a kiss from Nazz even.

"Anyway bro, I'm heading out. There's someone else I need to make things right with." Kevin told Charlie Brown and walked off...towards Nazz. Charlie Brown watched as he awkwardly said something to her, looking at her feet the whole time. Nazz giggled and then kissed Kevin on the cheek causing the boy to turn bright red. They then walked off together, talking like nothing had happened. Charlie Brown's heart sank.

Eddy shrugged, "Tough break, eh? Don't go feeling too bad for yourself though. Every guy here wants Nazz. Join the club."

Rolf patted both boys on the back, "Worry not, your feelings of sadness and regret are nothing more than the spells of mischievous wood sprites! Rolf knows just the cure for such things!" He produced two lemons from his pocket. "Squeeze their sweet nectar into your eyes and you shall be able to see the troublesome fey and stop them!"

Charlie Brown replied, "Uh...no thanks Rolf. I'm fine. Really."

…...

Charlie Brown rested his arms on a small run down stone wall at the edge of camp. It certainly wasn't as comforting as the wall he would stand by at home, but it got the job done. As per usual, he was feeling down. Nazz like Kevin apparently. He missed his big chance to ask her out by wasting time with Eddy.

"Penny for your thoughts Chuck?" Peppermint Patty asked.

"Oh, nothing. Just relaxing."

"You are such a bad liar Chuck. What's bumming you out?"

Charlie Brown shook his head, "You were right. Nazz doesn't like me. She likes Kevin. I don't think she was leading me on or anything, but I don't stand a chance with her."

Patty put her arm on his shoulder, "Aw...poor sweet baby."

"Yeah, yeah. Commence with the gloating. I'm the loser who can't take a hint."

"Oh come on Chuck. So the most popular girl at this camp is going out with the most popular boy. Big deal. Last I checked you were still hanging out with her right? She sure showed you a lot more attention than the Little Red Haired Girl. I think it actually helps prove a theory Marcie told me about."

"Theory?"

"Yeah, the theory of you getting a girlfriend Chuck. You aren't a bad guy at all. It's just you're wasting your attention on the wrong girl. Heather never gave you a moment's glance. Look at how much more you got out of Nazz. You just need to find out who's best for you."

Charlie Brown smiled, "You think so? But how will I know who that would be?"  
Peppermint Patty's brain went into a state of panic. This was it, the perfect time to tell him. _I like you Chuck! Hell, I love you Chuck! _She wanted to tell him, _It should be obvious, after all these years!_ But she froze up. She couldn't bring herself to say it. All she did was shrug and say, "You'll find out one day, I'm sure."

_Crap, what a wishy-washy answer!_ Patty thought_, Nazz was right, I'm more like Charlie Brown than I thought!_

…...

Next: Diverging Accounts of the Great Pumpkin


	6. Chapter 6

Of Dorks and Blockheads

by Sean Mahoney

The Great Ed!

"Step right up ladies and gentlemen! Be the first to get your fortune read by Eddwardo the Magnificent!", Eddy shouted to nobody in particular. Off to his side, sitting a table taken from the cafeteria sat Double D, dressed up in ridiculous old woman's clothing found in the back of one of the camp's storage sheds; in a feeble attempt to emulate the look of a psychic.

"This is utterly mortifying Eddy..." Double D whined to his friend. The three boys had set up this table and taken a large cardboard box from the storage shed in order to conceal Eddy's 'ace in the hole' for this scam.

"Eddy, can I come out of this box now!" Ed moaned from inside the box, "My armpits are really starting to cry and it makes a funny smell."

Eddy groaned, "Just shut up, we don't want anybody to hear you. You're supposed to be the spirit from the other side! We can't let you out until we get a pigeon!"

As if on cue, Johnny 2x4 walked up, grinning, "Get a load of this Plank, Double D is dressed like Grandma Elm!" Johnny listened intently to Plank and shook his head, "Double D! Plank says whatever you do behind closed doors is your business, but you shouldn't be dressing like this in public!"

Double D looked down at his feet in embarrassment. Annoyed, Eddy cleared his throat, signaling Double D to start his pitch. "Oh um...well I'm dressed like this Johnny because it allows me to channel those from the other side! I'm a spirit medium and a fortune teller now...apparently..." _This will never work! _

Johnny smiled, "Wow! A fortune teller! Awesome! What's that Plank?...oh yeah! Plank says we aren't falling for this dumb scam again!"

Double D rolled his eyes, "I told you this wasn't going to work. We tried this already, even the whole Ed as a spirit."

Ed burst out of the box, completely covered in flour, "WWWWWOOOOO JOHNNY! I AM THE GHOST OF FLAG DAY YET TO COME!"

Johnny put his ear to Plank once more and nodded, "Plank says you guys are really losing your touch!"

Steam began to burst out of Eddy's ears, "What does that stupid piece of wood know anyway! Get out of here you mooches!" Johnny rolled his eyes and walked off.

Ed waved goodbye, "Visit again!"

Eddy quickly grabbed Ed's collar, "See what you did lumpy?! You revealed yourself too quickly!"

Double D spoke up, "I told you this wouldn't work. Why in heaven's name did you think we should retry the exact scam we did a few weeks ago, on a lower budget no less!"

Eddy growled, "Oh put a lid on it, it's not over yet. See look, here comes another sucker."

Double D's heart began to pound intensely when he saw who was approaching, Lucy Van Pelt. "Eddy it's Lucy! You know this isn't going to end well!"

Lucy waltzed up to the table and smirked, "Well well, I would begin to tear apart what you guys are doing...but I really don't even know where to start! Double D's new choice in attire, Ed's fashion statement..."

Double D added, "You forgot the fact that nobody in this camp could possibly be stupid enough to believe that I have a psychic connection with the great beyond!"

Lucy sighed, "You're wrong about that. Notice anything odd about camp right now."

Ed smiled, "Oooh ooh I know! You're a girl and you've been talking to us for more than 2 minutes without either hitting us or running from us!"

Lucy smirked, "Almost."

Double D looked around, "Well...it is rather...vacant here..." beyond the Eds and Lucy, the campgrounds were bare.

Eddy screamed, "Yeah what gives!? Where is everybody?! How can I make any money when there's no demographic to 'appease'!"

Lucy sighed, "My lunatic of a little brother has been passing out fliers for a little 'sermon' he's giving today. I guess you guys were so busy with this ingenious plan of yours that you didn't notice."

Double D muttered, "Or what's more likely is that Linus didn't want the three of us anywhere near this event of his. Can't say I particularly blame him."

Lucy handed Eddy one the fliers, which he read hastily, "'Find Supreme Happiness?!' 'Those Insincere at Heart Need Not Attend'? What is this crap?!"

Ed smiled, "Ooooh! This reminds me of Borgart III: The Dark Summoning! Borgart's minions started up this group and they tried to convince the local people that Borgart would bring them supreme happiness and then they let them sacrifice all their virgins and summoned Borgart who ushered in a new age of darkness!" The other three stared at Ed awkwardly for a moment.

Double D piped in, "Well Ed may make a point...sort of, this sounds kind of like a cult."

Eddy yelled, "What?! Like that Tom Cruise guy does?! Those guys are rolling in cash! Damn it! I can't believe your wussy brother thought of that first Lucy! It's the ultimate scam!"

Lucy shook her head, "No it's not like that...unfortunately. Linus honestly believes all the stuff he is going on about. It's embarrassing. Nobody else does of course, they just like going because it gives them something to watch...kind of like a car accident."

Double D replied, "Oh my, that's horrible, going out of their way to laugh at poor Linus's delusions."

Eddy stretched his arms, "Well sounds like a plan for me. Not like we got anybody to rip off right now."

Before leaving to see Linus, Ed asked, "Hey guys, what's a virgin anyway?"

Eddy began to chuckle and Double D's face went red, "Well Ed...it's sort of like...well you see when a man and a woman...or rather before a man and a woman...um how do I..."

Lucy laughed, "Something all three of you charming individuals are going to be well acquainted with for the rest of your lives."

…...

Sally Brown skipped happily to behind the cafeteria; Linus was leaning against the wooden wall, clutching his security blanket. "I told everybody in the camp except those annoying Eds! I think everybody is going to show up my Sweet Baboo!"

Linus flashed her a nervous smile, "Thanks a lot Sally! I must admit that I'm surprised that you'd be willing to help me spread the good word...after what happened a few Halloweens back."

Sally gushed at him, "Anything for you my Sweet Baboo!"

Linus rolled his eyes, "Right...". He took a deep breath and stretched his arms over his head, "I just hope these Peach Creek kids are more receptive to the Great Pumpkin than most people."

Sally smiled at him, "Well they do seem a good deal dumber than your average kid." Linus shook his head, but said nothing: he still felt guilty for what he put Sally through that one Halloween night.

"Well only one way to find out" Linus smiled at her, and began to walk to the front of the cafeteria, where most of the kids from camp were gathered. _Sally certainly did a good job at rounding everybody up_, he thought to himself. He saw that his friends from home had their normal expressions during this kind of event: Charlie Brown and Peppermint Patty seemed to be embarrassed and straining to show him support, Violet and Patty were already snickering to each other, and Lucy with the three Eds in tow wore the smuggest looking face he had ever seen. Even Snoopy seemed to mock him, sitting in a folding car with a bag of popcorn. _They are all lost causes, _Linus reassured himself, _the Great __Pumpkin will never accept them after all their flagrant displays of disbelief. This informational seminar is for the others._

He knew the Cul-de-Sac denizens would be a difficult crowd however. Eddy seemed just as smug as Lucy and Double D was already eying Linus skeptically. Lucy must have already filled them in about what a "freak" he was. Ed seemed to be pretty excited, though Linus realized his acceptance would probably serve as a deterrent to the other kids in believing. _Then again, it's sincerity that the Great Pumpkin desires...and if there is one thing to be said about Ed is that he is quite sincere._ He knew Kevin would scoff at him no matter what, and while she would at least be polite about it, Nazz probably wouldn't be swayed either. As Kevin's crony, Linus figured Rolf wouldn't be receptive either. Johnny, Jimmy, and Sarah however may be hopefuls...though Sarah seemed to be as grumpy as Lucy on a really bad day.

After taking a deep breath, Linus began his sermon. He tried to cover the basics: who the Great Pumpkin was, the importance of sincerity and constant vigilance, and the great boons the Great Pumpkin would bestow upon those who believed in him. Linus tried to avert his gaze from those from his neighborhood; he was after all nothing but a target of mockery from his sister, Violet, and Patty. Despite her assistance in today's matter, he was sure not to look Sally in the eye either given the guilt he still felt over her disappointment from years past. Unfortunately for him, the kids from the Cul-de-Sac didn't seem to be taking him seriously either.

"A pumpkin that brings presents? That's weird even for me, Plank!" Johnny was the first respond.

"This is stupid!" Sarah yelled. She turned to Lucy, "Hey bigmouth, your brother is wasting all our time!"

Eddy however was having the time of his life, "This is rich!" He began to cheer, "More! More! I want to hear more about the Oh-so-Great-Pumpkin!" He and Ed began to laugh uproariously.

Even Double D was having difficulty containing himself, "Now guys...the message of sincerity is actually a good...hahaha, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. But a pumpkin? Where did you come up with this Linus?"

"Hey Dork! I got your Great Pumpkin right here!" Linus turned only to be pelted in the face by a tomato!

"Good grief! That's just rude!" He looked down and saw the skin of the tomato had the face of a Jack-O-Lantern drawn on it in black marker. He glared at Kevin who was laughing, Violet and Patty were sniggering behind him. _Those harpies must have told him ahead of time, _he thought to himself.

Peppermint Patty growled to Charlie Brown, "This Kevin creep is at it again! This time I'm going to rip him apart! I'm so sick of this!"

"ENOUGH!" Everybody was taken aback by the roar of Rolf, who had been strangely silent in contemplation throughout Linus's speech. He made his way towards Linus and offered him his handkerchief to wipe his face off.

"You all disgust Rolf, making mockery of the things you know nothing about!"

"Woah dude, chill out", Kevin called out.

"Silence! Rolf cannot allow even you to make light of this dire situation! Rolf knows this Great Pumpkin well Too-Old-For-His-Blanket Linus Boy!"

Linus smiled, "Thank you Rolf. I hope you all can learn by Rolf's example here and offer a little bit of courtesy towards your fellow man by the way!", Linus admonished the crowd. He nodded, "The Great Pumpkin surely will look kindly on this Rolf! Why, perhaps I'll even have to visit your pumpkin patch this Halloween!"

Rolf closed his eyes and shook his head slowly, "You poor, poor, misguided soul." He turned his attention to the audience, none of which could quite make out what they were witnessing. "We should not view the Thumbsucker's claims as promises, but as warnings! The Great Pumpkin is a monster and should be destroyed on sight!"

"WHAT!?" Linus roared.

Eddy erupted in laughter and Lucy slapped her knee, "That's what I've been saying all these years, Rolfy-boy!"

Linus tapped Rolf on his shoulder, "What the heck do you think you are -"

Rolf shouted once more, "DO NOT INTERUPT ROLF!" He calmed down, "Listen well fools for what Rolf has to say may save all your pathetic souls from eternal damnation! The Great Pumpkin is an abomination not born of this world!"

Ed smiled, "Cool! We should summon it along with Evil Tim!"

Rolf's eyes darkened, "Not even my clam Bobo can shield us from this blight. The Great Pumpkin would appear in Rolf's home country once a year at the end of the harvest. Tradition dictates that we are to set aside a portion of our boon to appease the creature. Even still it always comes, decimating our livestock and leaving the remains strung about the village square." Linus's eyes widened in disgust. "As for the years we cannot appease the beast...it goes for our young!"

Linus could not stand any more, "Liar! You blasphemous liar! How dare you stand there and insult the Great Pumpkin like that? He's a benevolent soul who does nothing but sacrifice for the will of others; not because it's his job mind you, but because of a higher moral obligation!"

Rolf was incensed, "You presume to deny the atrocities that Rolf's family was forced to endure his entire childhood? You believe that Rolf could forget the things he has seen!?"

Linus's fists were shaking, "You can't forget something that never happened!"

Lucy was glowing, "I think I may have died and went to heaven!" In fact, the entire camp was thoroughly enjoying this. Linus's friends and regular critics were delighted to see that somebody had managed to out-crazy him and Ed was still going on about summoning the unholy demon from the dark abyss. The only people who didn't seem to be enjoying this thoroughly were Charlie Brown and Marcie, who were worried that Linus may have a nervous breakdown, Jimmy who was terrified at the possibility of such a monster, and Sarah who was annoyed at both Rolf and Linus for doing this to Jimmy.

Rolf commanded the group, "Linus's speech here was no coincidence! This is an omen of things to come! We must make all preparations so we are not befouled by the bestial gourd!"

The group began to disperse, Violet and Patty made sure to walk up to Rolf and plead for their safety, while sticking their tongue out at Linus.

"Guys please...don't listen to him! He must be talking about a different Pumpkin. Come on, what kind of Pumpkin would go around killing people?"

Charlie Brown, Peppermint Patty, and Marcie approached him. Marcie sighed, "Well it's just as plausible as a pumpkin playing the role of Santa Claus".  
Linus growled, "Do not even bring _him_ into this."

Lucy walked over to Linus and put her arm around his shoulder, "Man oh man I wish I brought the video camera. I wish I could watch this moment over time after time."

It was at that point Linus uttered a few choice words to Lucy. One moment later Linus was on the ground with a black eye and Lucy sighed, "Mom and dad certainly wouldn't appreciate language like that used towards your dear sister."

Off in the distance the three Eds were still laughing. "I must admit Eddy, that was quite humorous. I do feel so guilty though. We shouldn't be laughing at the ignorance of others."

Ed, as if to punctuate, asked, "Come on guys, can we please summon the pumpkin! Maybe he'll give us presents after gorging upon the damned souls of those without toenails!"

Double D sighed, "Ed, you disturb me sometimes."

Eddy grinned, "I don't know Double D, mono-brow has a point. I think we need to summon the Great Pumpkin."

…...

Violet thought that Rolf's declaration of the Great Pumpkin being a menace to society was funny at first. It was almost cathartic to see somebody get just as crazy as Linus over the whole thing. After all, years of the same brand of insane do get a little boring. Rolf was quickly proving himself to be worse than Linus.

Violet was excited at first when she saw Rolf approach her and Kevin in his sleeveless white shirt. He was certainly the most well toned guy at this camp. However she quickly took notice of the two pails he was carrying, each covered with a foul looking...and smelling...greenish brown substance.

Violet tensed up, "Rolf...what is that?!"

Rolf smiled, "Aha she-with-more-money than my home village, this is a special collection of fertilizers, manures, mud specimen, fungi, and a little bit of dust from that generous Swine-Pen fellow of yours."

Rolf, plugging his nose, replied, "Dude this is your vacation, stop worrying about farming."

"Oh this is not for farming Kevin, though I do admit I must invite Swine-Pen to the Cul-De-Sac to help around the farm, he'd be a great asset." Rolf contemplated to himself for a moment, "Ah! But I digress; you see, this concoction is meant to disguise scent!"

Violet, nearly gagging from the putrid smell nodded, "Well it certainly works. What scent are you trying to cover."

Rolf put the two buckets on the ground and smiled. He stuck his hands in one and began lathering the manure over his armpits. "Why ours of course. You city folk are so naive sometimes."

Violet threw up in her mouth.

Rolf continued, "When the bloodthirsty Great Pumpkin comes along if we bath in his stench he may pass us over. We will be less of a target to him. Come now, please partake in this. I have plenty made up, if we bathe ourselves twice a day we should be safe when that blanket wielding prophet of darkness summons his foul idol."

Violet grabbed Kevin and dragged him in front of her, "Kevin, keep him away from me!"  
Kevin nodded, "Uh...none for us dude...we'll pass...".

Rolf stared at him for a moment and smiled, "Oh-ho! Rolf knows what is going on, Casanova Kevin Boy!"

Violet exchanged a confused glance with Kevin, "Cassanova...Kevin?"

Rolf grinned, "You wish to take on this foul beast on your own do you not? To prove yourself to our lovely friend here, no?"

Kevin scratched his head, "What are you..." Violet got what he was saying and jabbed Kevin with her elbow.

"Yes please Kevin! I know _you_ can save me from the Linus and his Evil Pumpkin King!"

Kevin stared at her, baffled.

She rolled her eyes and whispered, "_Play along you idiot...if I get any of that crap on me, you can kiss our...um well...kisses goodbye!"_

Kevin nodded, "Oh I get it...yeah righteous!" He turned to Rolf, "Yeah dude, let me handle this myself. I want to go against this pumpkin of Linus's mono-a-mono."

Rolf glared for a moment, and then smiled, "Ah-ha! Rolf respects your wish then friend! After all, who is Rolf to get in the way of the making of a glorious legend?"

Rolf picked up one pail of fertilizer and moved Kevin out of the way, "Of course, we must play it safe with your fair damsel; we cannot risk her life."

Violet's eyes widened with fear, "No, no, Rolf! It's fine! Really! I want to be a hero too! Please!"

Rolf shook his head, "Rolf cannot allow the blood of innocents to be on his hands." He then hoisted the bucket over Violet's head and began to pour.

A few miles away from camp, a sleeping beagle was awakened from his afternoon slumber by a horrible, piercing, shriek.

…...

Charlie Brown and Marcie did everything they could, but there was no calming Linus down, "This isn't fair! I spend years trying to convince everybody that the Great Pumpkin is real and in one moment that no good Rolf comes in and instantly convinces everyone he's a demon!"

Marcie put her arm on Linus's shoulder firmly and muttered, "Will you please just hold still Linus. You should be more concerned with keeping ice on that black eye Lucy gave you."

Linus grumbled, "I'm more than used to black eyes."

Charlie Brown thought awkwardly for a moment before offering, "I don't think anybody really believes that the Great Pumpkin is a demon. They're just humoring him."

Linus sighed, "Why can't people at least humor me?"

Marcie shrugged, "I don't know, maybe people are more intimidated by Rolf?"

"Intimidated?"

Marcie smiled, "Yeah, when I first met him Thibault was bullying me. Rolf pulverized him. He's quite strong; handsome too in a rugged sense."

Linus gagged, "Oh good grief. Well now what am I going to do?"

Charlie Brown smiled, "Let it go?"

"Are you kidding me?! Should Hamlet have just 'let it go' when Claudius killed his father, Charlie Brown!?"

Charlie Brown shook his head, "I don't know."

Marcie muttered, "The way he handled it, he might as well have. All the good it did him."

…...

Snoopy and Johnny were taking a stroll in the woods, as was habit by now. Snoopy was always treated as "one of the gang", but it was nice to have somebody besides Woodstock he could actually really talk to...even if Johnny was off his rocker.

Johnny of course was obsessed with the notion of the Great Pumpkin, "So what do you think Snoopy? Is the Great Pumpkin a force for good or a force for evil? Maybe it's neither, maybe it's a big nature spirit: uncaring about us?"

Snoopy shrugged, _To be honest, there's a good chance I'm the Great Pumpkin. At least the one Linus is talking about._ Snoppy thought back to the various Halloweens he happened to find himself in that pumpkin patch, each one running out of there as to not dash Linus's dreams.

Johnny stopped short, "WHOA?! Far out!"

Woodstock rolled his eyes and chirped, _IIII III IIIIIII III II III IIII..._

Snoopy couldn't help but agree, this kid was out there.

Johnny starting going on about a mile a minute about his theories for the Great Pumpkin. Snoopy whispered to his friend, _This guy would be a good match for Frieda._

Woodstock didn't have time to reply; two lights, bright as the sun, instantly turned out. The poor bird was temporarily blinded and fell to the ground from atop his canine companion's head.

"Ack! What's that?!" Johnny yelped. Snoopy tried to make out what the source of that light was. He thought he could hear some voices whispering. The two lights seemed to be triangular. A third dimmer light was shining on the ground; it looked like a semi-circle with jagged spikes...almost like a mouth. _This seems almost like a...a...jack-o-"_

_ "_PLANK SAYS IT'S THE GREAT PUMPKIN!" Johnny bellowed.

There was a screech and then a loud booming voice declared, "THAT IS CORRECT! BEHOLD MORTALS I AM THE GREAT PUMPKIN AND I HAVE SPRUNG FROM THE DAMNED DEPTHS OF HADES TO PASS JUDGEMENT ON YOUR PATHETIC MORTAL SOULS!"

Snoopy felt his heart race; he also felt Johnny grab on to him and squeeze, "Oh god, oh god! We're going to die guys!"

Snoopy heard some infernal noise, like whispering, coming from that direction. Obviously the creature was speaking in some fell tounge he had never heard of. It almost seemed like two separate voices speaking at once. It sounded almost like speech, but he couldn't make it out. Finally the voice bellowed once more "...oh yeah! GATHER THE SHEEP OF THIS HERE CAMP AND BRING THEM TOGETHER! I SHALL DECIDE WHO IS WORTHY TO CONTINUE THEIR EXISTENCES ON THIS MORTAL COIL! DO THIS AND YOU SHALL BE SPARED!"

There was no need telling our heroes twice: the boy, beagle, bird...and inanimate piece of wood all bolted away from the hellish creature.

…...

When he heard the news from Johnny and Snoopy, Rolf was very quick to act. He them to gather all the campers together and began preparations.

Charlie Brown made his way to the center of camp at around dusk, as he was instructed to do so. Charlie Brown wasn't sure how he managed it, but Rolf had managed to procure some torches that he placed in a circle. Rolf donned himself in a brown hooded cloak and had orange and black markings painted on his face. He carried what looked like a tree branch that was hastily whittled into a staff, with a small Jack-O-Lantern serving as the head.

Charlie Brown glanced around the area. Not to far away from Rolf's circle of torches was a small fire pit that Kevin parked a lawn chair next to. He was busy preparing a popcorn bag. He had an eager look on his face. Sitting on the logs surrounding the pit were Violet and Patty, who were sniggering, and Nazz who just looked bored. Marcie was also sitting near the fire, using it's fire as a light source for whatever book she was buried in.

Snoopy and Johnny were standing as close to Rolf as possible. They had looks of pure terror on them; there seemed liked they would hang on to Rolf's every word. Schroeder and Pig-Pen were chatting near a tree, mostly uninterested with what was going on. He saw his sister standing off to the side with Sarah and Jimmy; both girls were trying to calm down the trembling boy. Way off to the side he even noticed Thibault sulking and muttering to himself.

Not too far from Rolf he saw Lucy and Peppermint Patty talking. Lucy had a smug look on her face (which is always preferable to her other moods) and Peppermint Patty just looked confused. Linus was not around; Charlie Brown figured he was too incensed to show up. He also noticed that the Eds were absent.

Charlie Brown stole a look at Rolf's face. He looked impatient, anxious, and possibly terrified. _That's what my face must look like everyday at lunch in school_, Charlie Brown thought to himself, thinking for a moment of a certain redhead.

Rolf quickly glanced at the setting sun, took a deep breath, and announced, "Fellow Mortals, I bring you ill tidings! Doom is approaching!" Chuckles murmured in the audience. Rolf motioned Johnny and Snoopy forward, Charlie Brown noticed Woodstock sitting on top Snoopy's head, trembling. "These two poor souls saw the foul beast that plagues this fell wood! I speak no other than the Great Pumpkin!"

"It's true! Plank and I saw him! Plank said he made eye contact! It saw into his soul!"

Snoopy shook his head violently in agreement, disorienting the already flustered Woodstock.

"Yes friends! Gather in fear for we have no hope! All we can do is appease the beast's demands!"

A shrill voice yelled, "This is stupid!"

A much higher pitch voice whined, "Don't say that Sarah, you might upset him!"

Charlie Brown heard his sister yelled, "Oh this is ridiculous! We all know it's you again Snoopy, you're always posing as that stupid pumpkin! Fess up!" Snoopy glared a Sally with a look that yelled _It's not me this time, I swear!_

_ "_Enough is enough of this farce!" an indignant voice shouted. Linus marched through the group of campers, blanket in hand, with a purpose. He stopped right in front of Rolf and glared at him.

Charlie Brown heard Kevin and his entourage giggle, on the other side Lucy was clasping her hands in excitement. It seemed that most people here came for the show. He heard Violet ask, "Who do you think is going to out-crazy who?"

Linus and Rolf began shouting at each other. Rolf was blasphemous, Linus was a naïve fool, Rolf paid off Snoopy and Johnny, Linus had a secret xenophobic agenda. The Great Pumpkin was a savior, the Great Pumpkin was a demon. And as they went at it the laughter in the audience grew louder and louder.

Charlie Brown was beginning to zone out when he felt somebody punch his elbow. It was Sarah. Charlie Brown began to sweat. He hadn't dealt with Sarah much here, but her reputation proceeded her. While she was no Kanker, she certainly was up there with Lucy. Certainly more outright violent at least.

"That moron is your best friend right?" The red haired girl asked, cocking her head at Linus. Charlie Brown nodded. "And Sally is your sister?" Charlie Brown affirmed that question. He then felt a quick kick to his shin.

"What is wrong with you?! Letting your sister chase some nut like that? You're her brother, you're supposed to protect her from crazies like him!"

"Good grief... that's hardly my busine-" Charlie Brown couldn't finish that thought though; three bright lights nearly blinded everyone in the camp.

"What...the...heck..." Sarah moaned, rubbing her eyes. Eventually the lights narrowed as whatever was behind them approached.

"IT COMES! IT IS HERE!" Rolf shouted.

A loud, piercing, screech, filled the air, followed by a deep bellowing voice, "THE GREAT PUMPKIN IS HERE MORTALS! TREMBLE IN FEAR!"

The figure in question certainly looked like a giant pumpkin. At this point the bright lights disappeared. With the sun fully down, the only source of light was the red from Rolf's torches. Not enough to make out the figure.

The rest of the camp watched silently in fear. Rolf brought himself to his knees, "OH MIGHTY PUMPKIN! WE ARE YOUR HUMBLE SERVENTS! PLEASE SPARE US! PLEASE!"

Linus stood there in shock, just staring. He didn't say anything, he just stood there with a blank expression on his face, staring at the Pumpkin like figure.

Charlie Brown noticed Marcie stand up calmly and walk away from the scene. She muttered to him as she passed by, "I'm out of here Charles. If I'm associated with something_ this_ inane, I'll never get into an Ivy League School."

Charlie Brown was about to ask what she meant by inane when he was interrupted by the beast, "I DEMAND SACRIFICE!" There was another ear piercing shriek.

This time the crowd wasn't so silent. Sally pointed her finger at Linus, "I can't believe you! You tried to convince to meet this thing! This demon?! How could you!"

Linus was knocked out of his stupor, "No, no! This isn't it, it can't be! Can't be!"

Peppermint Patty was also shouting at him, "Yeah! You convinced me to do this by myself once! What if he really showed up Linus! Maybe you wanted him to! Maybe you've been tricking us this whole time!"

Linus's eyes were watering up, "No! No! No! Please, please! The Great Pumpkin is a force for good, I swear Patty. Please...you got to listen to me..." His voice trailed off as the blinding light from the pumpkins two triangle eyes came through. Linus began sobbing. "I'm sorry everyone...I didn't know...I didn't know..."

Violet shouted, "Good grief Kevin, do something!"

Kevin shouted back, "What the heck am I supposed to do!"

The voice shouted again, this time higher pitched...and kind of weaselly, "WHO IS THIS CRETIN!"

Rolf was quick to answer, "He has denied you this whole time! He has denied your true nature!"

"REMOVE HIM FROM MY PRESENCE!" Snoopy and Johnny rushed over and grabbed Linus by the arms. He put up no resistance, he just stared at the ground. They dropped him off by Kevin who was being pestered by the girls.

"For God's sake do something Kevin! You're the strongest here!" Patty yelled.

The Pumpkin, and Charlie Brown could definitely make out that it was a giant Pumpkin at this point, responded directly to Patty, "THERE IS NO GOD BUT THE GREAT PUMPKIN!" It responded in it's deeper voice.

Rolf bowed to it, "Oh Great Pumpkin, what are your wishes! What do you wish!"

"THE GREAT PUMPKIN DEMANDS SACRIFICE!"

Johnny and Snoopy looked around quickly and apprehended the first girl they saw, Peppermint Patty. They dragged the girl against her will. Charlie Brown quickly jerked to his attention and began to make a break to her defense, but was stopped by Sarah.

"What are you doing, idiot?"

"Helping my friend!"

Charlie Brown expected her to tell him to worry about himself, that she wasn't worth saying. He didn't care, he wouldn't let anyone hurt her. However what she did say was enough to stop him in his tracks. "Oh lord, she's not in any danger. Take a good look at the stupid thing."

Charlie Brown stared at it. The first thing he noticed was that it wasn't fully orange. There were a lot of white spots...almost like paper mache. There were also wheels on the the bottom...in fact the paper mache was situated on top a small wooden cart. Even more glaringly obvious were the two junk speakers sticking out of the back...and the stage lights sticking out of the eye sockets. Finally...there were the wires...a bunch of wires sticking sloppily out the back attached to an extension cord that lead into a nearby shed.

Charlie Brown sighed, "Wow...just wow..."

Sarah nodded, "Yeah, it looks like everybody at this camp is mentally disabled."

"LET GO OF ME!" Charlie Brown was startled at the sound of Peppermint Patty's yell.

Rolf laughed nervously, "I know she isn't the prettiest sacrifice oh great one! But I can assure you that she's as virgin as my cousin Gretchen the One-Eyed Hunchback!"

Patty screamed, "I'll kill you, you blue haired bast-"

The higher pitched voice screamed, "NOT THAT YOU IDIOTS!"

Charlie Brown whispered to Sarah, "Who would do this though..."

Sarah sighed, "For Pete's sake, who do you think!?"

The Great Pumpkin bellowed, "I WANT ALL OF YOUR WORDLY POSSESIONS! IF YOU WANT YOUR SOULS STAYING IN YOUR BODY I'LL TAKE ALL YOUR CASH! CHECKS AND MONEY ORDERS ARE ACCEPTABLE! NO CREDIT!"

Charlie Brown moaned, "Oh good grief." He looked at Sarah, "Really?"

She nodded, "Now do you see why we're constantly kicking their butts?"

Charlie Brown stared at everybody rushing to give their money to the "Great Pumpkin". He heard Linus wail, "NO! The Great Pumpkin is a giver! Not a taker! A giver! A GIVER!"

Charlie Brown muttered, "Should we do something." He saw as his friends dropped all their cash in front of the pathetic imitation. Even Lucy, her head down, emptied her wallet.

Sarah sighed, "They really do kind of deserve it...for being this stupid...but Jimmy's dad will flip on him if he loses all the money he gave him so..."

Sarah walked casually away from Charlie Brown. She took one more look at the panic that was occurring around her. She waited until the Great Pumpkin spoke once more, "YES! YES! LEAVE IT ALL! YOU HAVE BOUGHT YOURSELVES A WE-" Sarah decided that was the moment to end it. She unplugged the extension chord all the wires were attached to from the surge protector and once last shriek from the speak system let out, before the rest of the camp heard the very distinct voice of Eddy finish, "ek before I return... What the heck, Double D!? Why isn't this working?"

"It looks like the light's have been killed too...perhaps we blew that shack's circuit?"

"FOOLS! TREMBLE BEFORE ME!" The voice of Ed shouted, trying to sound scary.

Sarah smirked at all the campers staring at her, and then ripped into the paper mache feriously.

Charlie Brown heard Violet tell Patty, "Put her on the list of people not to piss off!"

The camp then heard the sounds of a violent, brutal beat down, and soon enough the battered bodies of Ed, Edd, and Eddy were ejected from the fake pumpkin. Double D sighed, "I knew this was a bad idea."

Sarah pat him on his hat, "Oh don't worry, I went easy on you boyfriend!"

Eddy growled "Get out of here Sarah!"

Sarah grinned, "Sure thing Eddy, besides, I think everybody else would like a word with you!"

She skipped away and stood next to Charlie Brown.

"You're a scary girl." Sarah just smiled innocently at Charlie Brown.

Ed stood up and yelled at the camp, "FOOLS! I HAVE JUST TAKEN ANOTHER FORM, SOON YOU WILL KNOW-"

"Oh enough's enough!" Kevin interrupted. He approached the pile of money. "It's time for you guys to return all that money."

Eddy began cursing. Kevin smirked, "Oh don't worry you can keep mine."

Eddy's eyes lit up, "Really?"

Kevin laughed, "Yeah! I got to hand it to you dorks. You had me going there. That was hilarious though. Just watching Rolf and that other nut go at it was worth every penny...Which would be about fifteen of them that I left for you. Don't spend it all in one place."

Violet shouted, "Oh you cheap, cowardly, no good...!"

Kevin ignored that and sneered at the Eds, "Besides once everyone gets their money back, my boy Rolf is going to have a little word with you!" Kevin walked away laughing. His victorious moment didn't last long though as both Patty and Violet had a lot to say to him. Charlie Brown noticed a slightly satisfied look on Nazz's face.

After getting her money back, and stone faced Peppermint Patty stormed past Charlie Brown.

"Hey, you alright..."

"DON'T TALK TO ME CHUCK!"  
Charlie Brown was taken aback, "W-wha?"

"When they were going to sacrifice me you just stood there!"

Charlie Brown began stammering, but was cut off by Sarah, "Oh jeez, you were in no danger! Charlie Brown here was the only other person here who came close to figuring that out on his own! You morons deserved to be sacrificed for falling for the Ed's nonsense." She sighed, "The people from my block even more so...they should _really_ know better by now!"

Lucy walked quickly past the group and didn't make eye contact. It was a rare sight to see her so embarrassed.

Peppermint Patty continued, "WELL YOU DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THE WHOLE VIRGIN THING!"

Charlie Brown moaned, "Well good grief! How old are we, we should all be virgins!"

Patty muttered, "Yeah...true...except maybe Violet and Patty...but what about the One Eyed Hunchback remark!?"

Charlie Brown just sighed and decided to give up. He looked over at the Eds. The last of the campers retrieved their cash. Rolf was approaching.

…...

Eddy winched in anticipation as Rolf approached, he was pounding one fist into the other.

Double D sighed, "Our judgment day has come gentlemen. It has been a pleasure."

Rolf was seething, "YOU ED BOYS?! You have finally crossed the line! You mock my culture! You take advantage of all of us! YOU EXPLOI-" Something jerked Rolf's feet from under him; he hit the ground like a sack of bricks.

It was Linus, clutching his security blanket. "You can make fun of me." He said calmly. "You can doubt the Great Pumpkin." He said louder. "BUT YOU DO NOT IMPERSONATE THE GREAT PUMPKIN!"

The rest of the camp watched in horror as Linus beat the Ed boys to a bloody pulp.

Lucy whispered in horror, "I didn't know you could do_ that_ with a blanket!"

Linus was relentless, brutal, and bloodthirsty.

The Eds shrieked in pain. It wasn't until Sally Brown yelled, "Linus! Stop this! Stop! The Great Pumpkin wouldn't want this!" That the small boy finally came to his senses. Sally began leading him away from the Eds, who were curling in fetal positions. He took one last look back at them and sneered, "Don't mess with the Great Pumpkin."

He saw Rolf starting to get up and helped him to his feet. He sighed, "Look Rolf, I know we don't agree on the Great Pumpkin...I'm sorry..."

Rolf smiled, "Do you jest! You have nothing to apologize for! Rolf has never seen one so skilled with such an exotic weapon! Who would have thought of the deadly prowess of the cloth of the sheep! You must show me!"  
Linus smiled, "Sure thing Rolf, sure thing."

The Ed's meanwhile stirred. Ed laughed, "Well I say, that sure was fun! Let's do it again."

Eddy moaned, "Shut up Ed!"

"Guys I can be the Great Pumpkin for Halloween! Maybe I can go to pumpkin patches a deliver jawbreakers to all the..."

Double D sighed, "Please not now, I think I've broken bones that haven't existed in the human body for thousands of years."

Charlie Brown took one last glance at the Ed's. Sarah sighed, "Well as much a waste of time as this was, this was kind of fun. Catch you later Charlie Brown!"

Charlie Brown bid her goodbye and began to walk off. His conscious got the best of him. He sighed, _they really don't deserve this..._ but he walked over to the three Eds and asked, "You guys need help?"

…...

Next: They Came from Lemon Brook

_A/N: Hey guys, I know I barely ever update. Most of the remaining chapters are story driven, to move the plot to it's conclusion. I'd like to try and update a little bit more though, so I've decided I'd take suggestions for some short little one shot vignettes. Just name two characters you'd like to see interacting and I'll try and make a short little story about it. Once I make a few of those I'll upload it as a filler chapter. _


	7. Interlude

Of Dorks and Blockheads

by Sean Mahoney

Interlude #1

_Big Brothers_

Sarah and Sally were exhausted when they exited the Nurse's cabin. Earlier on in the day they were trying to make a perfume with Jimmy. They picked a beautiful boutique of flora, each specimen smelling better than the last. They ground the flowers up and mixed with water and put the solution in an empty perfume bottle that Sarah had stolen from her mother before coming to camp. Jimmy volunteered to test the perfume (though he insisted it was more of a cologne); within minutes he broke out in hives and was screaming in terror.

Sarah was the first to complain, "Well this sucks. Now what are we supposed to do?"

Sally looked at the redhead and shrugged, "Beats me." The two girls stood idly.

Sally began sticking with Jimmy and Sarah right as the camp started; after all, they were the only kids there her age, besides her sweet baboo who insisted on hanging out with her blockhead brother. Even still though, while Jimmy was nice enough, it was difficult sometimes hanging out with somebody as...spirited...as Sarah.

"Is he always like this?" Sally slowly asked, in an awkward attempt at conversation.

"Like what?!" Sarah shot back, defensively.

Sally paused in shock for a moment, _I really should be used to her reacting like this by now_. "Fragile...he always seems to be in the nurse's office."

Sarah frowned, "Yeah, Jimmy's very delicate. That's why I always have to protect him. Especially from my moron brother and his idiot friends."

Sally looked surprised, "You don't like your brother? I think he's really funny."

Sarah's frown managed to intensify, "Beavis and Butthead are funny too. Would you want them as brothers?"

Sally thought for a moment and replied, "I suppose not, but Ed's not nearly as bad as those guys. They're cartoon characters for Pete's sake."

Sarah just groaned, "He's such an embarrassment..."

Sally sat quietly for a moment before snidely laughing, "You think you have it bad, you should see _my _blockhead of a brother."

Sally stared at the blond girl a little confused, "I've met Charlie before. Yeah he's a bit of a dork, but I think he's alright. He has it more together in the head than most of the weirdos from where you're from."

Sally sighed, "You don't know anything about him, he's such an embarrassment to be around. All he does is fret about how nobody likes him. Which – newsflash – is exactly the reason people _don't_ like him."

Sarah frowned, "That just sounds kind of...sad."

Sally rolled her eyes, "Oh yeah, it's sad alright. Pathetic really. Do you know that idiot has two girls that like him?! Does he pay them any mind though? No! He just sits there wallowing on and on about 'how nobody likes me' and 'I'm going to be alone forever' and 'no Sally, I won't do your homework for you, you need to do it on your own'!" She then began to chuckle, "Of course he always caves on that last one."

Sarah crossed her arms, "Well at least he sound like a nice guy, my brother is nothing but a pest...and a moron to boot! He's constantly doing those stupid scams of Eddy's! That's what they do! They bug us and always ruin the fun we're having just so Eddy can make a stupid buck! And Ed loves every second of it!"

Sally grinned, "My brother's pretty gullible himself, in fact, if you'd be so kind and look that-a-way." Sally jerked her thumb towards the field, where Charlie Brown was having a discussion with Lucy, who just so happened to be taking a knee and holding a football.

Sarah, her patience waning replied, "So they're practicing kicking. Big deal."

Sally shushed her, "Wait wait, here's what's happening. Lucy is saying 'Oh Charlie Broowwwn'" Sally nearly screeched the last part, " 'I'll hold the football and you come and kick it." The girls watched as Charlie Brown shook his head and turned away from Lucy.

"Yeah he doesn't want to, big whoop", Sarah grunted.

"Just wait! – See, now Lucy is saying some pathetic excuse...and look at my brother's face – he's buying it! She does this every time! Every time and he falls for it!"

Sarah nearly shouted, "Falls for what!? You're making such a big deal out of this!"

"THAT!" Sally pointed as Charlie Brown charged for the football only for Lucy to pull it back. Charlie Brown flew into the air and landed painfully on his back. Sarah winced at the sight of it. "It happens every time. She always pulls that ball away from him and he always falls for it."

"What a bitch." Sarah said, bluntly.

Sally nodded, "Well yeah, of course, but that's besides the point. It goes to show you how much of an idiot my brother is. Now look – here comes the part where she gloats to him. Comes up with some one liner.

True to form, Lucy was saying something with a coy smirk on her face. She then casually tossed the football in the air, presumably to catch for herself. She was, unfortunately taken aback by the large figure leaping towards her.

"BALL!" Ed shouted as he springed from the bushes. With an impressive leap he caught the ball with his teeth, and promptly fell atop of Lucy. Sally and Sarah didn't have to guess what Lucy said next, she made it loud enough for the camp to hear.

"GET OFF OF ME YOU #% %!"

Sally stared, "Whoa, what's that mean?"

Sarah shrugged. Lucy began wailing on Ed, who sat there laughing.

Sally looked horrified, "Why isn't he running?! She's slaughtering him."

Sarah groaned, "It's like he enjoys it. Trust me, I'm usually the one on Lucy duty."

Sally grimaced as Lucy cursed Ed out. Ed, with two black eyes and blood coming out of his mouth smiled back at her, "Eddy says that you kind of like me Lucy! Hug me!"

Both girls giggled and Sarah admitted, "Alright, that is pretty good."

"But utterly suicidal." Sally reminded. They watched as Lucy socked Ed in the face one more time. They caught a glimpse of Charlie Brown standing up, holding his back in pain.

The two girls stared at each other. Sally smiled, "You know I think we can come to an agreement here."

Sarah grinned, "You said it sister! Big brothers are stupid!"

…...


	8. Interlude 2

Of Dorks and Blockheads

by Sean Mahoney

Interlude #2

_Pick-Me-Ed_

_ "_...and in summation, you are a no-talent, butt ugly, sad sack who will never amount to anything Charlie Brown!" Violet stated in a matter of fact manner, ending her five minute tirade against Charlie Brown.

Charlie Brown didn't manage to argue, once more the girl had managed to demolish his spirit. _I just commented on how I thought her hair looked nice today,_Charlie Brown thought to himself miserably. Violet and Patty continued laughing as he slumped off. _Maybe I'll visit Lucy..._he stopped himself mid-thought, _good lord what is wrong with me!? Why would I even consider that?_

Charlie Brown stopped though, because he heard a third laugh join in with the girls, a deeper, sort of simple, childish, laugh.

"Oh man, I love jokes! What's so funny?" Ed had managed his way between the two girls, his arm around both of them, like old friends. Needless to say, the girls were quite mortified.

"Oooh I know one! A priest, a rabbi, and a clown all walked into a food store together! The taxi driver then asked them for one wish each! And then the creeping larynx of the undead school principal attached itself to their heads and sucked their brains out one by one. They screamed in unison as they would forever more haunt the dreaded school bus without any more breakfast pastries."

Patty froze in terror, Violet wasn't so intimidated, she elbowed Ed causing him to let go of them, in pain, "Owch...hah hah hah!"

Violet muttered to Charlie Brown as she passed, "He's a bigger freak than you are!"

Charlie Brown ignored her and rushed over to Ed, "Are you alright?"

Ed smiled, "Yep! Those girls are so funny!"

Charlie Brown sighed, "Yeah sure, if you think it's funny having somebody dismantle your soul, crushing your hopes and dreams like it was nothing!"

Ed's eyes widened, "Whoa!? They can do that?! Oh man that's so cool! Are they like Mindflayers? Or secret Vampires? Or..."

Charlie Brown interrupted, "Never mind Ed." Charlie Brown stared at Ed for a moment, as he smiled at him. It was quite an awkward moment. Charlie Brown sighed, "Yeah well...I guess I'm going to go. See you around."

As Charlie Brown began to sulk off though he found that Ed would not be shaken off so easily. "Charlie Brown, you look so glum! Did the Thrasmadolrians from Gathron IV drain you of your emotions?"

Charlie Brown tensed up and then whispered, "Look did Eddy put you up to this or something? What's he trying to get out of me this time?"  
Ed frowned, "Eddy's still in bed after Linus beat us up!" Charlie Brown was about to apologize for his best friend's over zealous retribution but Ed then grinned, "He says that every muscle in his body is his agony; it's so cool!"

"Shouldn't you be in agony too?"

"Nope! It just tickled!"

Charlie Brown nodded in mild amazement, if Linus ever went after him like that he didn't think he'd be smiling the next day. Charlie Brown couldn't help but be jealous of Ed. Sure he was pretty dim, but he always so upbeat. It must be nice.  
"Hey Ed, can I ask you something?"

Ed grinned slyly, "Oh I know where you're getting at!" Ed pulled the side of his shirt up revealing a large scar that seemed to be festering, "I call it Lester! It gets bigger every day!"

Charlie Brown groaned, "Not that!" He opened one eye to take a second glance, "-though you should really get that looked at." Ed pulled his shirt back down disappointed. "No...what I wanted to ask is why do you and Double D always listen to Eddy all the time?"

Ed grinned, "Because he's my bestest-estest friend of all time-duh!"

"But the whole reason people don't like you guys is because of him. If you didn't listen to him all the time people would like you more." Charlie Brown then qualified, "I mean I know that you and Double D are good people. And I'm sure Eddy's not all bad, but doesn't all the scamming bother you?"  
Ed stood for a moment, contemplating (with his tongue sitting out) and he just shrugged. "Double D and Eddy are my best friends. It doesn't matter what anybody else thinks of me because they're the only ones I need, right?"

Charlie Brown, slightly taken aback by the wisdom in that though, smiled, "I suppose you're right."

Ed's eyes widened, "Oooh! Oooh! Have you seen Fishbowl 3 yet?!"

Charlie Brown smiled, "Are you kidding me? Opening night and saw it twice the following week."

Ed beamed, "Oh man! Wasn't it awesome! I mean the second was good but...oh my God!"

And so the two boys continued talking about their shared interest. Charlie Brown thought a moment of Violet, someone he had been trying to be friends with for years and failing spectacularly and then of Ed who went out of his way to be friendly. For this first time, Charlie Brown considered his relationship with Violet and her ilk in a new light, _Maybe it's not me. Maybe it's them._

…...


	9. Interlude 3

Of Dorks and Blockheads

by Sean Mahoney

Interlude #3

_Ontologically Speaking_

After the Great Pumpkin debacle, the Ed's reputation was at an all time low, and nobody realized the gravity of their situation more than Double D. While Eddy quickly bounced back to his feat after licking his wounds to go back to scamming and Ed wandered off to wreck his own good intentioned brand of havoc, Double D brought it upon himself to try and mend relations between the kids from the other school and him and his companions. Of course the best way to do that would be to offer his apologies to the one they had upset the most, Linus. 

Linus was sitting on the ground, his back to a tree and head in a book. Double D walked up to the boy nervously, and stood silently, trying best to come up with a way to break the silence. If Linus noticed his presence, he did not show it. Double D took a look at Linus's book and saw that it was _The Proslogion_ by St. Anselm of Canterbury. He had to think back for moment, he knew he had read it once in his advanced placement philosophy class he had taken for some early college credit but he remembered that he had not thought much about it. Double D was not particularly a religious person, and Anselm's purpose, trying to prove the existence of God purely through reason, seemed an exercise in absurdity to Double D.

Hoping to open up the conversation, Double D made his attempt at a joke regarding the subject Linus was currently engrossed in, "So is the Great Pumpkin a being which no greater can be conceived?"

Linus closed the book and glared at the smiling boy, "So if the Great Pumpkin is the greatest being that can be conceived, then nothing greater-"

Linus butt in, "Stop. I know what you're doing. Stop! I'm not in the mood to listen to any more of your mockery."

Double D was surprised, "Mockery, I was just making a little joke, I apologize that if I'm not that good at it."

Linus's eyes narrowed, "A joke at my expense. You Eds truly don't know when to quit. It's as if desecrating my life's passion isn't enough!"

Double D sighed, "Well that's what I'm here to apologize for, I truly am sorry for what happened, it was insensitive of us and we deserve what we got."

Linus grumbled, "So you can just up and do it again? You Eds are nothing but bad news."

Double D felt his patience waning, "Look I know Eddy can be-".

Linus sighed, "And now you're trying to pin your actions on Eddy." Linus stood up, "I know that you see yourself the voice of morality and reason in your group but do you really think you are doing the right thing? You still go along with their schemes. You're all no better than thieves."

Double D began gritting his teeth, "Well now, I do believe you are stating this with a bit of bias good sir. Maybe if you took a step back and tried seeing this picture from our point of view."

Linus had now put the book down and stood up, standing eye to eye with the Ed boy, "Point of view doesn't factor into it. You guys are trying to scam people out of their money. It doesn't matter if you are trying to make Eddy and Ed into better people while you are doing it, you're still trying to get money that isn't yours in a dishonest fashion."

Double D sneered, "So I suppose the fact that we've been long ostracized before any of this is irrelevant?"

"You are ostracized because of what you are doing."

Double D scoffed, "I should have figured, a moral absolutist", it was at this point that Double D had begun to forget himself, albeit temporarily, "You're so close minded, everything is either right or wrong, without any thought to circumstance."

Linus began to rebut but was cut off, "I'm not finished! I have given you plenty of time to speak, allow me my piece. I realize that there is no point in apologizing. You are such a zealot that you'd never accept it."

Linus growled, "A zealot?"

Double D nodded, "All I've seen this summer of you is your head buried into the Bible or some other religious work. Can you even think for yourself? I mean you _physically assaulted_ me and my two friends because we insulted that ridiculous religion you made up".

Linus laughed, "Oh I know what you are. Anybody who believes in anything is a fool right? We should all be cynical like yourself?"

Double D's face went red out of frustration, "I'm not saying that it's just..."

Linus shook his head, "Look, I have more respect for you than most of your Peach Creek companions, but let's be honest: we do not get along."

Double D sighed, "My sentiments exactly." Double D walked off as Linus opened up his book again. He turned his head and said, "By the way, if you're looking for a rational path to God, I wouldn't look there. Anselm's argument makes absolutely no sense.

Linus smirked, "Well there is at least something we can agree on." He put the book down, "After all, why rationally prove God exists when I so blindly and zealously follow him anyway?"

Double D grinned, "Well next time you are smiting us apathetic heathens, let me know first."

Linus put his hand on his blanket as if to wield it like a whip, "Oh you'll know."

_A/N: I don't really like this chapter, I wasn't sure how to have them interact at this point. Both characters are incredibly intelligent and I don't think this really does their personalities justice but so it goes. I don't think of Double D as a rabid atheist so much as an agnostic who is fed up with somebody who is more religious than him's dogma whereas most of Linus's anger comes from his personal issues with the Ed's that he is justifying with philosophy. _

_As for St. Anselm...back in my Freshman Year of college I had to reach his work, and while I appreciate that he was trying to logically prove the existence of God, which I certainly respect more than blind faith, it does come across as incredibly flawed. Of course I admit I could easily be biased by the fact I had to do an hour long presentation on it and it is a very difficult concept to wrap your head around. If you have time to kill and don't mind headaches, take a look at it wiki/Ontological_argument_


	10. Interlude 4

Of Dorks and Blockheads

by Sean Mahoney

Interlude #4

_Fluffy the Meek_

"C'mon Jimbo! You got this!" Peppermint Patty yelled to the meek boy, who was quivering in fear as he held the bat. She saw the smug grin of Kevin's face; he was reveling in the small boy's fear.

Kevin called to his outfielders, "Better disperse, Fluffy here is going to slug it out of the park. Peppermint Patty clenched her fists. Even though Kevin had given Charlie Brown a break, the relic of the '90s still managed to make her blood boil.

It all began earlier that day. Kevin had decided to challenge her to a friendly game of baseball, much like they had done a week or so earlier. He even picked "his old pal" Chuck as his first pick, something she wasn't even planning on doing (honestly, she'd be a fool to pass on Rolf). However when Sarah brashly announced her intention for her and Jimmy to be in the game, all the poor boy received was jeers from the other players. Kevin and Rolf teased him incessantly. Lucy and Violet sarcastically fawned over his masculinity. Eddy couldn't stop laughing, and she noted the other two Eds weren't innocent in his suffering either; even Double D couldn't help but chuckle.

Peppermint Patty rushed to the boy's defense and picked him first. She then did everything she could to build him up. She urged him back to home plate when the boy had to dodge to the right and eat the dirt when Kevin tossed his first pitch right to his face. She had to assure the boy that he didn't break his hand when a pop fly 'accidentally' lodged itself in his baseball mitt. Nothing worked. The boy was bad. He was horrible.

"You're out!" cried Schroeder, who caught Kevin's third pitch. Jimmy ran back to the bench crying.

He was worse than Charlie Brown.

"Jimbo, what was that?! You didn't even swing! Kevin made those pitches easy for you!" Jimmy looked at her with tears in his eyes. It made her sick, how could he live like this. "I mean don't you get it! Chuck is on the other team! Charlie – freakin' – Brown! You're going to cause us to lose to him! Do you have any idea what that means!"

Sarah, whose arm was around her friend, yelled back, "LAY OFF HIM! Jimmy's doing the best he can! Isn't that right Jimmy?"

Peppermint Patty glared at him, "Do you really think that's true? You're not trying, you just give up!" She growled, "Even Chuck tries! Sure he sucks but damn it he tries! You think you can't do anything and you just give up!"

Jimmy stammered, "I'm sorry, I don't know-", he wasn't though, Patty knew it. She played eight and a half innings with the boy and all he did was whine and cry and complain.

"Yo Patty! You done almost there?! Me and Charlie Brown are ready to kick your butt!" She looked over, Charlie Brown looked dumbfounded at the prospect at beating her in baseball.

She took one more look at Jimmy. The boy wasn't going to try any more. It wasn't fair. She was going to lose this game because he wasn't trying. She called out, "Do whatever you want Kevin! I'm done! I quit!" She stormed off as the other kids murmured in confusion.

Linus tried stopping her, but she stormed right past him. She got as far as the girl's barracks. In anger she kicked a nearby tree...not a wise move when wearing sandals. "AUGH! DAMMIT!"

She sat down on the barrack's doorstep and began to brood. _I get no damn respect. I try to help Chuck and he always blows it. I try to help Jimbo and he runs to Sarah and cries. Why do I even bother!?_

"You should really put ice on that toe." She looked up and saw Jimmy smiling at her.

"What do you want?"

Jimmy stared at her sternly, "What I want is for you to put some ice on that toe. It's all swollen."

She grunted, "Fine, sheesh". She stood up and turned to go inside to find the refrigerator. There'd be some ice there. She figured she could try the nurse, but she'd probably be on another 3 hour break of hers.

"So why'd you give up back there Patty? That doesn't seem like you." Jimmy asked. _Is this boy serious, he's trying to get a rise out of me?_

"Trust me kid, you don't want to know...you couldn't handle it", she muttered the last bit. She had opened up the freezer and stared blankly at its contents.

Jimmy pushed past her and began rummaging around in the freezer, "I know why. You think I'm not trying. That I was wasting your time out there."

Peppermint Patty frowned, "Well am I wrong?"

Jimmy shrugged as he took some ice out and began wrapping a washcloth around it, "Maybe. But perhaps I can say the same thing. Maybe you were the one wasting my time. Forcing me to do something I didn't want to do."

Peppermint Patty shot back, "Hey, I didn't make you do anything. You wanted in on the game. I stood up for you when everyone else was making fun of you."

Jimmy frowned, "Sarah made me join. She's my best friend and all...but it's always the same. She's always trying to toughen me up. Same thing with you, my dad, and everyone else. Even Eddy does the same thing the few times isn't trying to take my cash." He handed Peppermint Patty the makeshift ice pack and said, "If there's one thing I know, it's swelling and bruises."

Peppermint Patty sighed, "But you heard how everybody was making fun of you. Doesn't that bother you? Don't you want to stand up for yourself and prove them wrong?"

Jimmy shook his head, "It does bother me a little, but I am proud of who I am. And when we're done with the baseball it's not like they're going to keep making fun of me. The Eds are going to do something stupid and then we'll all be focusing on_ them_."

Peppermint Patty smiled, "I guess you're right. I'm sorry Jimbo, I shouldn't have flipped on you like that. I guess I just take these things too seriously. I mean look at me, baseball's all I got."

Jimmy smiled, "We all have things we take seriously. If you ever mess with me when I'm making my quiche you'll see a different side of this 'Fluffy'." He then smirked, "Besides, I wouldn't worry too much about Charlie Brown." Peppermint Patty's heart froze...how did he know?!

"What do you mean?"

Jimmy giggled, "Oh just that I wouldn't count him out yet. There's still an inning left. If I know him a quarter as well as you do, he find a way to make his team's victory come crashing down around them." Peppermint Patty breathed a sigh of relief and smiled, "Yeah that's true."

Jimmy looked down to her feet, "Looks like it's doing better. You think you can walk on it?"

Peppermint Patty scoffed, "Of course, what do I look like?"

Jimmy nodded, "Alright c'mon then. Your team is waiting for you."

_A/N: Yeah this suggestion had me stumped for a while. You may noticed I uploaded this in between two chapters. That's because I don't want to interrupt the Lemon Brook Lumper's two-parter, which I'm working on slowly but surely. I plan on finishing one of my other stories: Step it Up, Charlie Brown __before I get that chapter out though. If I upload any more interludes in between they'll also be before the first of the Lemon Brook Lumper chapters._


	11. Chapter 7

Of Dorks and Blockheads

by Sean Mahoney

The Great Ed!

Chapter 7

They're From Lemon Brook, Charlie Brown!

_It isn't right_. That's all Thibault could think since his miserable stay at this camp had begun. He had tried to establish himself as top dog and it all came crumbling around him. Nobody respected him. He was left to rot at the hands of those foul Kanker girls. Both groups of campers would have nothing to do with him.

He seethed in hatred as he walked through the woods. Patty and Violet, those no good bimbos never liked him. He hated how much influence they wielded. Bitches like them had no place keeping an alpha like him in check; their kind was only good for two things anyway. They had quickly sank their harpy like fangs into the necks of the popular crowd of these Peach Creekers too. That dumb jock Kevin would do anything they asked. And that other piece of foreign trash that came to Marcie's defense.

Thibault entered the boundaries of the camp grounds, he watched as some argument was occurring with that butch cow, Peppermint Patty, and the Ed boys. The Ed boys were fairly marginalized as well...especially the short one. Thibault had paid attention to Eddy. He seemed to have lot of anger pent up inside. And if anything he said about his brother in his angry rantings to the other kids were true, he could make for a very useful "friend".

Thibault watched as an almost bald kid in a yellow shirt with a black zigzag tried to defuse the argument and his blood boiled. _That stuck up, jackass_. Thibault absolutely loathed Charlie Brown. Everything about him: he was an utter phoney. A stuck up phoney that tried to garner people's sympathy by playing the victim. A little turd that went through his whole life with two loving parents and a group of friends, never really knowing how crappy life was. Yet there he went, bitching about how much life sucks to be him, how nobody likes him, blah blah blah. And for God's sake it works! Even if they don't realize it, all those sheep eat it up. Even the ones who are supposedly cruel to him! _I'm the only one who see's that asshole for who he really is_. He watched as Peppermint Patty and her toadie Marcie tried to cheer Charlie Brown up after Lucy or Eddy had told him to back off (he didn't pay attention to who it was). Their existence spat in the face of how things _aught _to be. He reminded himself that he had yet to pay Marcie back for that fist to the face that day on the baseball field. _One day, when she's all alone and mouthing off at me again, she'll get the back of my hand. That'll shut her up_. He smiled at thought. His ideas on what he wanted to do to his former coach were worse.

He shook off those thoughts and focused. Today was going to be different. All of the morons at this camp forgot one little tidbit at orientation that he held onto. Peach Creek and the two schools from his town weren't the only schools sending kids to this dump of a camp. There was one more: Lemon Brook Junior High. The three star players of the football team, The Lemon Brook Lumpers, to be precise. Three burly, angry, and most importantly: stupid ogres of boys. Their leader as it were, just so happened to be related to Thibault by blood.

…...

Peppermint Patty sighed in depression as she watched the small group of kids gather around a poster that one of the staff had put up that morning.

_The Midsummer Night's Ball_

_ An Outdoor Night of Romance and Festivities_

Sally and Jimmy were both yapping excitedly about it. "This is what I've been waiting for this whole camp you know? It's a shame it's still a few weeks away, but I suppose it gives me something to look forward to amidst all of these dreadful bugs and bruises that this camp seem to give me."

Sally was also beaming, "I just know that my Sweet Baboo will whisk me off my feet that night. He'll make it a night worth remembering!"

From across the camp Linus yelled, "NO I WON'T! AND I'M NOT YOUR SWEET BABOO!"

Jimmy shook his head, "Forget about that guy Sally, he's got a few screws loose if you ask me! Go solo with me and Sarah! It's going to be a blast! Besides any guy would be dying to get with you I'm sure."

Sally smirked, "Even Linus?"

Jimmy sighed, "You do have a one track mind. Anyway you should see the suit I brought for it! Bright white, polyester! It really is the most chic thing I could find, I'm sure it'll just dazzle you!"

Sally nodded, "Cool, I brought a nice dress." She shook her head, "I think my brother forgot to bring anything."

Jimmy frowned, "Well I don't mean any disrespect, but I don't think that's going to matter. Your brother doesn't seem the type to go to these things."

Sally agreed, "Yeah, he's too nervous to bother asking anybody out." Peppermint Patty's heart sank a little bit more, hearing Sally say exactly what she was fearing. Charlie Brown wouldn't want anything to do with this, the fear of rejection would be too much for him. And he certainly wouldn't think about asking _her._

Peppermint Patty sighed and walked away, passing an angry looking Rolf who was watching the Sally/Jimmy pair and muttering about Mountain Sprites.

Peppermint Patty couldn't help but mutter, "I'll never be good enough for him anyway."

"What was that dude?" Peppermint Patty snapped out of her funk to find that Nazz, her arms crossed and an annoyed look to match, had overheard her. "Don't tell me you're still hung up on all of this. I told you to tell him how you feel!"

Peppermint Patty growled, "That's easier said than done for a girl like me, alright?!"

Nazz sighed and shook her head. "C'mon dude, we're taking care of this now." She grabbed Peppermint Patty's arm and began to drag her towards the the camp's entrance. "Let's go, I saw him sitting around by the camp's entrance."

"Let go!"

Nazz smiled, "Come on, at least give it a shot. You'll both be so much happier!"

Peppermint Patty frowned at the blond but began contemplating her feelings. Maybe with Nazz's bubbly personality as backup she'd maybe manage to say what she felt.

…...

Charlie Brown watched nervously as Kevin and Eddy went at it. He was supposed to have met with Linus at the camp's entrance, since they heard that a bus from some other school was going to be coming in. Apparently Eddy had heard the same thing and was planning scamming the new campers somehow; Kevin of course, decided to get in the way and some things were said leading the two boys to fight.

Linus walked up to Charlie Brown and stole a quick glimpse of the fight and offered an unfazed, "At it again, eh? These Lemon Brooker's are really going to love their fellow campers."

Charlie Brown asked, "Lemon Brook?"

"That's the name of the other school coming to this camp. They start a week after us."

Charlie Brown nodded, "Ah, do you know anything about them?"

Linus responded, "Apparently they are pretty close to Peach Creek."

"You think the kids here would know them?"

Linus shrugged, "Beats me."

After a few more moments of watching the fight, which Kevin of course was winning, Charlie Brown saw that a bus was indeed approaching. Charlie Brown hoped that his first impressions with this group of kids would go better than with the ones from Peach Creek.

As the bus pulled up, Peppermint Patty and Nazz also approached the two boys. Nazz frowned, looking at Eddy and Kevin's fight, "Do they really need to be doing this now?"

Linus muttered, "At least the people from Lemon Brook will know what they're in for." Nazz however, did not hear that.

"So Charlie Brown, Peppermint Patty here has something to tell you!" Nazz informed him, cheerfully. She nudged Peppermint Patty, who was looking down at her sandals. After a moment of silence, Nazz nudged her a little more forcefully and whispered, "C'mon dude!"

Peppermint Patty looked up and took a deep breath, "Oh yeah, so you've heard of that Mid Summer dance thing?"

Charlie Brown, "Oh yeah, I think. I was probably going to sit it out though."

Peppermint Patty chuckled, "Yeah...seems kind of stupid right.. ow!" Nazz nudged her again. "Well what I meant to say was-"

"Haha!" Eddy's cackle interrupted them, he had managed to throw Kevin off of him with enough force that it knocked the wind of him. "Serves you right shovel chin! Now if you don't mind me, I got some suckers to fleece!"

Eddy rushed to his feet and greedily stood by the bus. Kevin, cursing, muttered as he sat up and watched the door of the bus open. Charlie Brown saw the bus rock as whoever was in it was getting off, in fact, he could even swear that he had felt the ground vibrate.

Three of them walked off the bus. They were the largest, most muscular Junior High students Charlie Brown had ever seen. From the looks of it they would even dwarf Ed in size. Their arms were like tree trunks and each of them wore a scowl on their face that inspired fear in Charlie Brown. Each of them were wearing a purple football jersey with the word Lumper written under a picture of a lemon.

Nazz whispered, "Oh no...this...this is really bad..."

"LUMPERS!" Eddy and Kevin screamed in unison. Eddy tried bolting away from the giants, but tripped over Kevin who was scrambling to get up. It took the new students a few moments to process who the two boys were but once they did, Charlie Brown saw a look of pure rage on the face of the monsters.

"COBBLERS!" The largest of them roared. The other two stomped their way towards Kevin and Eddy, who instinctively hugged each, shaking in terror. One of them grabbed Kevin who began pleading, "That game was ages ago! Please! Let bygones be bygones!"

Charlie Brown, Linus, and Peppermint Patty were both bewildered and nervous. Linus whispered to Nazz, "What's going on?!"

Nazz, her voice shaking, replied, "Those guys, they're the quarterback and two running backs from the Lemon Brook Lumper's football team. They're our team's chief rivals."

The Lumper who had Kevin scanned the area before spotting a flagpole protruding from one of the camp's buildings. He marched over, pulled up Kevin's underwear and hung him from the flagpole.

Peppermint Patty nodded, "Man, you guys must really cream them all the time if they're that angry with you."

Nazz shook her head, "We've never won once against them. They just really hate us."

Charlie Brown figured Kevin hanging from his underwear, struggling to get down, would be a Christmas present for Eddy in any other circumstances; but it looks like things were going even worse for him. "PLEASE! LET ME GO!"

The Lumper holding Eddy brought him to the rear of the bus. The Quarterback walked over and opened the back door. With a grunt he carried out a large wooden barrel...filled with Lemons. Eddy screamed as the other brute restrained him, "No! NO! NO! Please! I'M A MINOR!"

The Quarterback then filled the palm of his hand's with lemons, which given his size was quite considerable, and stuffed them into Eddy's mouth. Charlie Brown and his friends watched in horror as Eddy gagged on the Lemons.

Linus whispered in terror, "These guys are monsters!"

Nazz nodded, "There's nothing we can do for these two right now, but we got to get out of here. They won't do anything to me or Patty...I've never seen them touch a girl but you guys..."

Linus nodded in agreement, "You don't need to tell me twice Nazz! Come on Charlie Brown!"

But there was one more student on that bus. One who they hadn't noticed at first due to being paralyzed with fear. But the moment she stepped off the bus Charlie Brown couldn't keep her eye off of her. The vision of beauty who he admired from a far for years. The girl he had pined after. The woman who moved away one day before he could ever admit his feelings to her.

The Little Red Haired Girl.

Linus and Peppermint Patty took notice of her when they saw that Charlie Brown wasn't following them. Linus thought aloud, "Hmm...I knew Lemon Brook sounded familiar. That's the school that she had moved to a few years back."

Charlie Brown looked at her, in a trance, "She's even more beautiful now."

Nazz turned around and asked anxiously, "What's going on?"

Peppermint Patty sighed, "My worst nightmare."

…...

The arrival of the Lemon Brook campers had caused mass panic in the camp, at least with the Peach Creek campers. Linus thought it was a little funny, in a bitterly ironic way, this was the first time he had seen all of the Peach Creek kids working together; even if all they were accomplishing was hyperventilation. Most of them seemed to turn to Double D to come up with some sort of plan, though he was so anxious that he could barely get a sentence out. It was understandable, Linus supposed: the kids from Lemon Brook were indeed brutes and they certainly seemed to have a vendetta against Peach Creek.

Linus strongly believed that none of this was his problem. He'd just stay away from the Lemon Brook kids and they wouldn't have cause to trouble him. After all, somebody had to listen to Charlie Brown go on and on about the Little Red Haired Girl.

"It's like destiny Linus! I never thought I'd see her again. I thought when she moved away I'd never get a chance to speak with her! But now I have another chance."

Linus sighed and mentally braced himself...he was going to have to listen to this for the next few weeks. Charlie Brown constantly pining over the Little Red Haired Girl. Of course he'd never actually do anything about it. Linus remembered when she did move away, how Charlie Brown stood there contemplating to himself if he should do anything while she drove off. Linus was so frustrated he flipped out on him, calling him out on his wishy-washiness. Linus had never gotten that angry before and would never so again...well except for that all fake Great Pumpkin thing a few days back. Still, despite the inevitable annoyance it would cause, Linus was Charlie Brown's best friend and he needed to support him.

"So Charlie Brown, when are you going to talk to her?", Linus asked unenthusiastically.

Charlie Brown took in a breath of air an smiled, "I think so, I think I'm finally ready!"

"Come on Charlie Brown you nee—Wait what?!" Linus had not expected that.

Charlie Brown nodded, "Yeah. You see when I was hanging out with Nazz I realized maybe it isn't so ridiculous for a girl to like me. And even when Nazz didn't want to date me, it wasn't the end of the world or anything. Not everybody is out to make me miserable like Violet and Patty."

Linus raised an eyebrow, "Am I talking to the real Charlie Brown?"

…...

After putting some distance between themselves everything that was happening with the Lemon Brook students, Nazz found Peppermint Patty again, who was sitting on a park bench just blanking staring into the crowd of the panicking cul-de-sac kids. The Lemon Brook Lumpers were still by the buses, torturing Eddy and Kevin. It seemed like none of the adults even bothered to intervene. The red haired girl that seemed to put Patty into such glum mood had made her way into the main campgrounds. She watched as Violet and Patty, surprised to see her, went over to talk to her.

Nazz turned to the crestfallen girl next to her, "Hey, are you like alright?"

Peppermint Patty sniffed, Nazz noticed that she was trying to hold back tears, "That's Heather...she used to go to school with Charlie Brown but moved a few years back. Chuck's been madly in love with her since before I ever knew him. He hasn't seen her in a few years though. I thought she was just a thing in the past...but with her around I'll never have a shot with Chuck."

Nazz frowned, "I'm so sorry. They must have dated or something right?" Nazz felt bad for Peppermint Patty, but she also realized this could be good for Charlie Brown. If he and Heather were so in love it must of hurt him greatly when she moved. Maybe that's why he has such low self confidence.

Peppermint Patty moaned, "No it's not like that! Chuck's never even talked to her! He just worships the ground she walks on! He obsessed with her, it's creepy even! He doesn't even call her by her name, just 'The Little Red Haired Girl', like she isn't even among us mortals!"

Nazz wasn't sure to say, she just put her arm over Patty's shoulder. Patty continued, "Look at her, she's so beautiful! Look at how plain Patty and Violet look compared to her! I can't even compare to that! I look like a troll or something!"

Nazz frowned, "Don't say that!", but she certainly agreed with Patty that this Heather was pretty. Nazz didn't like dwelling on it, but she knew most of the guys she knew had the hots for her...that might change with Heather around. She saw Charlie Brown approaching Heather as well. Violet and Patty said something that made him blush and they started laughing.

Peppermint Patty sniffed, "What's he doing...no...he's not going to actually...!"

Nazz frowned, "It looks like it, I'm really sorry..."

Charlie Brown blushed at whatever Violet and Patty said to him but he shook it off and began ignoring them. He walked past them to Heather. Nazz then saw that he had attracted the attention of one of the Lemon Brook Lumpers. He was stomping off towards Charlie Brown, his fists clenched and teethe gritted.

"Oh no! Patty it looks like Charlie is in trouble!"

"What?"

"I think Heather already has a boyfriend!"

…...

Charlie Brown had finally gotten up the courage to say something to the Little Red Haired Girl. He shoved past Patty and Violet and introduced himself. And now with the giant from Lemon Brook looming over him he regretted it immensely.

The football player's eyes were bulging, his fists were clenched, and his nostrils were flaring. Charlie Brown flashed a very nervous smile, "Oh...hello..."

The mammoth roared, "YOU CHATTING UP MY GIRL KID?!" Charlie Brown scanned the area, the whole camp was watching him. Everyone was paralyzed with fear. Even Violet and Patty seemed to be genuinely worried. The Lumper yelled again, "ANSWER ME YOU BALD FREAK!"

Charlie Brown began slowly backing away, "Oh no..no..no..we're just old friends..."

The brute grabbed Charlie Brown's shirt by the collar, "THEN HOW COME I'VE NEVER HEARD OF YA?!" The Little Red Haired Girl at this point tried to tell her boyfriend to stop as his two friends walked over, chuckling deeply. Both Kevin and Eddy were following from behind them, at a safe distance of course, aching in pain. The Lumper Quarterback glared at Charlie Brown for a second, then put him down. "THIS IS YOUR ONE WARNING KID! IF YOU SO MUCH AS LOOK AT HEATHER AGAIN, I AM GOING TO KILL YOU. I MEAN –LITERALLY—KILL YOU!" Charlie Brown did not doubt it.

He was dropped to the ground and nodded nervously, stuttering that it would never happen again.

"I wouldn't trust that snake for a second, cuz." Charlie Brown's heart skipped a beat. Thibault had approached the Lumpers, quite casually.

The quarterback laughed, "Ah Thibault! I forgot you'd be here. Dad told me I'd probably run into you here! Hey guys! It's my little cousin, Thibault."

One of the other Lumpers rubbed his hair, "Hey buddy! How's it going!"

Thibault laughed...something Charlie Brown thought he never had seen before, "Aw come on guys...I'm not _that _younger than you. We're in the same grade. He looked down at himself, "I guess I'm just from the shallow end of the gene pool." That cause a nice laugh from the four boys. Charlie Brown had also never heard Thibault _ever_ use self-deprecating humor.

Thibault's cousin glanced back at Charlie Brown, who was quivering in anticipation, "So this kid's a snake, huh? I don't like snakes very much Thibault."

Thibault sneered, "That he is. This little weasel has been stalking Heather for years. He watches her as she eats, worships her garbage like keepsakes."

Linus yelled, "Hey that's at least a minor exaggeration!"

"SHUT IT TWERP!", Thibault's cousin bellowed. Linus backed away very quickly. Charlie Brown glanced quickly at the Little Red Haired Girl, she was blushing. "HEY!" The quarterback picked up Charlie Brown up again by the collar. The force of it made him choke for a second. "YOU'RE LOOKING AT HER AGAIN!"

Thibault continued, while combing his slightly messed up hair with his fingers, "Yeah. This kid is a real piece of work. He thinks he's better than us. Comes from a nice little middle class family. He does nothing but stick his nose down at hard working folks like us. He'd steal Heather away from you the first second he got."

Violet spoke up, "Hey, Heather's not some prize to be won! Why don't you guys stop beating your chests for a second and see what she has to say about this."

The Little Red Haired Girl looked very nervous. Charlie Brown stared at her, pleading for her mercy with his eyes. She frowned at her boyfriend and told him to STOP.

Thibault scoffed, "She's a woman cuz. Her heart's too soft. Give this guy an inch and he'll take a mile.

Violet growled, "You both make me sick!"

Marcie also joined with Violet, "Thibault stop it! Please!"

But that was enough, the Quarterback threw Charlie Brown towards his friends who held him in place.

Charlie Brown took one look at The Little Red Haired Girl, who frowned at him guiltily. She then turned away. He saw Marcie crying and Violet and Patty yelling at Thibault to stop. He saw that Lucy was holding a ferocious Peppermint Patty back with all her strength, "Stop it Patty, they'll _kill _you!"

Then the pummeling began and the world went black for Charlie Brown.

…...

Ed was through allowing this to continue. He had always been terrified of the Lemon Brook Lumpers. Every time they showed up to his school they would pulverize him and all of his friends. Charlie Brown was his newest friend, and he had enough!

"YOU FOUL BEASTS! GO BACK TO THE FARPLANE FROM WHENCE YOU CAME!"

Ed charged, head first, towards the Lumpers, who were still punching the now unconscious Charlie Brown. He heard Rolf also exclaim, "YES NINCOMPOOP! ROLF WILL ASSIST YOU IN DRIVING THESE OPPRESSORS OUT OF OUR CAMP!"

"Yeah! Go Big Brother!" Ed had to smile for a second at the cry of his little sister's approval!

He felt his head crash into something, he was used to that sensation, he had done it at least thrice a day for the past ten years. He saw he had succeeded in knocking one of the Lumpers down. Causing them to drop Charlie Brown.

"Yeah enough of this!" The kid with the piano had yelled, Ed couldn't pronounce his name. "Keep your hands off of Charlie Brown you creeps."

Ed smiled, more and more the campers approached the bullies in a circle. Rolf stood in the front, triumphantly, "We have organized against you foul ogres! You will stand down or will fall in glorious combat!"

The Lumpers glared at the kids, until Thibault laughed, "Come on cuz, you're not going to take this crap from a dirty immigrant, are you?"

"HELL NO!" The quarterback picked up Jimmy, who had mustered up all of his courage and joined the rest of them and tossed him full force into Rolf. The circle of kids quickly broke. Ed stood his ground, but quickly had his face shoved into the dirt.

"You god damn retard! That was a cheap shot!" Ed then felt a sharp pain in his pack. He howled in pain.

…...

The chaos of the fight had allowed Peppermint Patty a moment to elbow Lucy's stomach, breaking her from her gasp. She made a mad dash for Thibault, who was occupied laughing as the Lumpers shoved Johnny's head into the camp's tire swing.

She pounced on him and began wailing. She was going to give Thibault ten times as much as the Lumpers gave Chuck. Thiabult screeched out in pain.

It seemed like an eternity. Peppermint Patty thought of nothing but her hatred for the little weasel. Eventually though she felt something restrain her. One of Lemon Brook Lumpers had her in a bear hug. She tried rabidly to break free, but her strength was drained from her vengeance on Thibault. She took stock of the situation; the situation had diffused, but it didn't seem to have gone well. Ed, Rolf,and Charlie Brown were knocked out. Snoopy was trying to pull Johnny out of his predicament. Linus was hanging from a tree by his blanket. Jimmy was crying with Sarah and Patty comforting him. Eddy, Double D and Kevin were shaking in terror. Marcie and Violet had secured a first aid kid and were trying to patch up the wounded, starting with Charlie Brown. She saw the Lucy was also being bear hugged by a different Lumper. Peppermint Patty had to smile a bit, once things were really heating up Lucy must have joined the fray.

Thibault spit out blood while on the ground. His eyes were mad with anger, "For god sake! Beat the hell out of this bitch!" He pointed at her, "DO IT NOW!"

Thibault's cousin shook his head, "No way! You don't hit girls!"

Thibault growled, "Oh COME ON!"

His cousin's face grew stern, "You don't hit girls!"

Thibault pouted, "Oh fine!"

One of the Lumper's guffawed at Thibault, "Haha! Man you let your ass get beat by this chick!"

Thibault shouted, "Shut it!"

Normally Peppermint Patty would scream at these sexist assholes for their derogatory remarks against her gender. But she was tired...and they were making Thibault look like an idiot so she took that as small consolation.

…...

The lack of adult supervision, which for so long allowed the campers a great deal of freedom, had now ironically choked it from them. The Lemon Brook Lumpers, with Thibault holding leash, were rampant. Everybody had to endure wedgies, swirlies, and other forms of torment. The Lumpers made good of their oath to let no physical harm come to any girls, though they were still utterly boorish and sexist in any of their dealings with them; and this was all when they were in a good mood. Should any guy upset them, they would be mercilessly beaten. If it was a woman who did the deed, they'd either say something incredibly lewd or if they connected a guy to a specific girl, would pound him to grovel, such as one time when Nazz called them out on their behavior. They had always associated Kevin with Nazz from their dealings in the past; thus Kevin was once again their victim.

The only time the campers were afforded the faintest hint of safety was during mealtime, when there were some adults to supervise. That isn't to say that sometimes one of the Lumper's meals would never end up in somebody's face; but compared to everything else, that was quite bearable. Usually the football players, with a bored Little Red Haired Girl and Thibault in tow, would spend every meal loudly discussing their previous victories against other school's football teams.

Kevin and Eddy, setting aside previous differences, decided that this would be the time to deal with the camp's predicament. They gathered a brain trust to decide how best to deal with the situation. Both Kevin and Eddy knew they didn't have any ideas, so they turned to Double D, Linus, and Marcie to try and think of a rational solution to this problem. Various other campers stood in anticipation as the triumvirate deliberated each meal.

After about three days, the group finally came up with an idea: a desperate idea. Marcie announced, "As we have all seen, the Lemon Brook Lumpers are just too strong for any of us to best physically."

Linus nodded, "But they do have a weakness." He sighed, "If you consider their one shred of human decency as such."

Double D, who looked the most anxious of the bunch, quickly added, "But desperate times call for desperate measures!"

Kevin complained, "Will you nerds get on with it?!"

Marcie scowled at the boy, "I'd hope that you'd at least show a little patience for this. But either way we know that they will not hurt girls. Not that keeps them from being chauvinist pigs, but it's a start."

Eddy was losing his patience, "That's all well and good, but how does that help me?! I'm no chick!"

Lucy elbowed him slyly, "Could have fooled me pipsqueak."

That allowed for some nervous chuckles from the group, though they were all far more interested in a solution to their problem than making fun of Eddy, who merely grumbled, "Don't call me that..."

Double D continued, "So with that said, our best chances at driving them away would be to unleash something terrible upon them. Something they wouldn't be able to fight against."

Kevin yelled, "C'mon Double Dweeb, quit stalling!"

Linus stood up and stoically said, "We are going to call on the Kanker Sisters".

That statement caused something of a commotion in the group. Enough so that the Quarterback of the Lemon Brook Lumpers turned his head towards them for a moment.

"Ssssssh you idiots." Lucy urged.

Eddy was not at all pleased, "Are you guys insane? We can't put ourselves at the Kanker's mercy!" He turned an angry eye towards his friend, "Double D, how could you agree to this!"

"Please Eddy, your voice...we're still trying to run a covert operation here", Double D urged. "In any case I suggested it."

Eddy was aghast, "What is wrong with you?!"

Double D insistently shushed Eddy once more, "Think about it Eddy. These jocks aren't going to hit any girls. The Kanker's are the toughest girls we know. Their terrible tactics will be unleashed on them and they'll be powerless to do anything about it. With any luck, they'll leave."

Eddy grit his teeth, "You realize they aren't going to just _do_ us this favor. There's going to be a cost...and we're the one's who are going to have to pay up!"

Double D frowned and nodded, "I know. I'm willing to make that sacrifice for us and everybody else." Double D cocked his head over towards the Lumpers. They had just stuffed Pig-Pen in a trash can and dumped their food in and drink in it.

"Here's an extra coat for ya!" One of them yelled.

Double D nodded, "We can't live like this. This is worse than the Kankers."

Eddy glanced around at everybody, he wasn't completely convinced, "Ugh...well...fine...but we still have to contact them! And I am NOT volunteering this time."

Marcie pleaded, "But you Eds are the best...um..."

Eddy finished, quite annoyed, "..bait?"

Marcie blushed, "Um...well.."

"Forget it! Find another sucker!"

Lucy stepped forward and grinned devilishly, "Don't worry, I'll make sure you Eds are off the hook."

Double D did not like the glimmer in her eye, "Are you sure Lucy?"

She pat Double D on the back, "You've done enough sweetie." Double D blushed, "No, I think I have somebody better suited for this. "SCHROEDER!", she screeched across the lunch room

The boy was sitting on the other end with Rolf and Nazz, talking with a very unhappy Pig-Pen.

"LEAVE ME ALONE LUCY!"

Lucy huffed a sigh of annoyance and turned to Ed, who was watching the scene blankly. "Ed, be a good boy and fetch Schroeder for me."

Ed smiled, "Can do boss lady!" Lucy whistled for a moment while checking her finger nails. She smiled as she heard Schroeder yell some obscenities at Ed. Ed brought him over, slung over his shoulder and dropped him in front of Lucy.

Marcie explained the situation to him, Schroeder of course was not too receptive to his role, "Why do _I _have to do this?! Make the Eds!"

Lucy grabbed a hold of his arm and said sweetly, "That's fine honey. The next time the Lumpers beat you up, I'll be there for you. I'll tend to your wounds and pat you on the head. We'll talk about our future, our marriage, our kids-"

Schroeder gagged a moment and yelled, "Alright stop! STOP! I'll do it! I'll do it!" As quietly as they could the group thanked and cheered for Schroeder. He shook his head and muttered, "I hate you all."

…...

Schroeder left that night, right after dinner towards the Kanker's trailer. Johnny and Snoopy arranged an information be set up that night. Woodstock was to follow Schroeder into the woods and wait. Once he saw that Schroeder's negotiations with the Kanker Sister's were complete, he was to contact a group of friendly thrushes that lived in the area. The birds would then contact each of the campers, informing them to head to their designated meeting place, the equipment shack, to hear Schroeder's news.

As Schroeder made his way through the woods, Woodstock perched on his shoulder. It was rather odd for Woodstock, he never had much to do with the boy. He did always enjoy the music he made from afar.

"I can't believe I'm doing this. The only help I have is from a dumb bird", he sighed.

Woodstock dug is talons into Schroeder's shoulder and glared at him, "Oww! Ooow! Sorry! Sheesh..."

They walked in silence for a few minutes before Schroeder asked, "Why am I doing this Woodstock? Is this really worth it?"

Woodstock chirped a response to the boy. He of course had no clue how to respond to his inquiry; Woodstock preferred to keep away from the painful drama that love could bring. Luckily he could say anything to Schroeder since for all his fluency in the language of Beethoven and Brahms, he was woefully behind on bird.

Schroeder groaned, "It's just Lucy, she's so annoying all the time! If she just gave me some space once in a while I wouldn't be so cross with her all the time. Ugh! Beethoven didn't have to deal with this."

"_IIIIIII IIII IIIIIII III IIII III IIIIIII", _the bird responded, quite sarcastically.

"But these Kankers, man, they're evil I tell you..." Woodstock sat quietly as Schroeder pondered to himself. Schroeder turned his attention to the little birdie, "Do you think I'm too stubborn for my own good?" Woodstock just shrugged, as mentioned before, he really didn't know this boy all that well.

It was at that time they reached their destination; the yellow glow of the indoor lights were enough to confirm it. Garbage was scattered around a fifty foot radius of the trailer. Schroeder allowed himself one last despairing sigh. Woodstock pat the back of his neck with his wing; it really was all he could do. Schroeder extended his arm out for Woodstock to hop onto. "Remember the plan. Once you see me exit, send word to the thrushes." Woodstock saluted to Schroeder who extended his arm upwards towards a tree branch overlooking the trailer. "Wish me luck. I'll need it."

…...

It was well past midnight by the time the campers were awoken by the thrushes. They had sneaked out of their barracks, one by one, and met by the shack. They were careful not to awaken the Lumpers, Thibault, or the Little Red Haired Girl. Double D was visibly nervous at the meeting, "If any of the staff catches us we'll be in huge trouble!"

Pig-Pen smiled, "Yeah, maybe they'll send us all home, that would be a real shame, huh?" Double D conceded that point.

They had waited impatiently for at least a half hour. Sarah complained, "Can somebody please explain to me why we're relying on a network of birds? Have we all lost our minds?"

Johnny took offense to that, "They did a great job of organizing this!" Snoopy nodded sternly in agreement. "Schroeder is just taking a while to get back." The group began arguing once again, everybody being in a rather foul mood given the circumstances.

It wasn't until Schroeder returned, ten minutes later, that they settled down. His face was covered in lipstick, his hair was completely disheveled, his shirt even torn. He did not look pleased.

Eddy laughed, "Looks like somebody got lucky!" Double D couldn't help but face palm at Eddy's lack of tact.

Schroeder, who looked slightly mentally unhinged, could only laugh back, "Yep! And you're next!" Eddy's grin disappeared. "You guys are the prize that the Kankers are claiming!"

Eddy shouted, "You bartered us to them!"

The pianist smirked, "You're darn right! I've done my time! You're the ones they really want!"

Eddy turned and glared at Double D, who was beat red, "I told you! 'Desperate times' huh?!"

Ed was shaking, "Not good, not good! Kankers Bad! Help Ed!"

The other kids however, were not to interested in the Ed's dilemma. Charlie Brown asked, "So they agreed?"

Schroeder nodded, "Yes, at around eleven in the morning. The red haired one said" he deepened his voice, "'We'll roast those jocks early and then have a nice romantic lunch with our boyfriends.' Then the other two started giggling...then they turned their attention to me again."

Peppermint Patty hit her fist to her palm, "Great! We'll let those psychos take care of the Lumpers then. This'll be great!"

Eddy moaned, "Easy for you to say!"

…...

"C'mon, I can't be the only person here who wants to see what's under that hat of yours, kid." Thibault sneered at a struggling Double D. One of the Lumpers decided to grab his hat off his head to see whatever he was hiding. Double D instinctively grasped the edges and through force of will managed to keep a hold onto his cap while the Lumper shook him around.

"You may take my life, but you'll never take my dignity!" Double D shrieked.

The quarterback chortled, "Is that so you little dweeb?"

As was the norm when the Lumpers were involved, the rest of the campers were spread out as far away from the action as possible. They were all whispering to each other, hoping that the Kankers would show; an idea they never thought could have been possible.

The lumper holding Double D gave another sudden jerk, "C'mon you little maggot! Let go!"

The quarterback was highly amused, "Looks like you found your match." Double D was quivering in equal measures of fear and exhaustion, but he would not budge.

Sarah, who was standing near Charlie Brown was quite worried, "I always wanted to see what was under that cap, but not like this!"

Charlie Brown mused, "Nobody deserves what they're doing to him."

The Lumper groaned, "Just give it up you for God's sake."

Double D whimpered, "N-n-no! Never!"

Charlie Brown felt utterly hopeless watching the scene. Double D was being put through so much and he wasn't doing anything. Nobody was. It was hopeless, nobody was able to stand up to these Lemon-brookers.

Suddenly he felt something squeeze his arm. Sarah had excitedly grabbed it, "Look!", she pointed off in the distance. The silhouettes of three figures were approaching the Lumpers. Sarah let out an ironic chuckle, "Never thought in a million years I'd be happy to see them.

…...

Double D felt his finger's giving way. He wouldn't be able to keep his grasp on his cap. To add to all of the punishment these hooligans had put him through, he'd now be forced to reveal his embarrassing secret to everybody, including these thugs.

A voice called out, "Get your dirty hands off of Double D!" Double D's first instinct was to recoil in fear; Double D recognized that voice quite well. His eternal stalker and tormenter, Marie Kanker. He saw that all three girls were approaching the Lumpers: Marie and Lee were cracking their knuckles, May had a slingshot drawn on the football players. Marie continued, "I'm the only one who can touch him!" She winked at Double D, "I'll have you free in a jiffy, dreamboat."

Double D hit the ground. The Lumper holding on to him let go. He scrambled to his knees and in a crawl, rushed as far away from the two parties as possible.

He turned around to see that Lee had taken charge, she was in the Quarterback's face, "Well, I'd have never thought I'd see the Lemon Brook Lumpers here! This ain't your turf. Get out now!"

May snorted, "Yeah! Or else we'll have you running back to Lemon Brook like little babies!"

The Lumpers stood their ground but said nothing.

Marie sneered, "You guys hurt Double D. Nobody hurts Double D!"

The Lumper who was holding him scoffed, "What's it to you?!"

Double D had made his way towards his two companions. Eddy was biting his fingernails in apprehension, "Do you think the Kankers have a chance?"

Double D nodded, "The Lumpers won't try and hurt them. That's the whole plan."

Thibault apparently had begun to also recognize this, "For God's sake, don't stand there! Beat these assholes up!"

The quarterback scowled, "I told you Thibault, we don't hit chicks! It's just not right man."

Double D smiled for a second, until he noticed that Thibault began chuckling, derisively at his companions. "Girls? Girls? Hah! You got to kidding me." The Kankers eye Thibault suspiciously. "If these are girls, they're the ugliest, manliest, butchest chicks next to Peppermint Patty! Trust me, they're guys!"

Marie smirked, "Oh issat so?" She reached towards the bottom of her shirt. Double D quickly averted his eyes, "Maybe you guys need some proof."

Lee interrupted, "Oh for Pete's sake Marie, no one wants to see that!"

The Quarterback looked again at Thibault, "See, that one's name is Marie."

Thibault shook his head, "Well clearly he's from Europe." He glared at the Quarterback, "Nothing but smug Euro-trash."

Lee smirked, "Alright, fine." She turned to her sisters, "I think we need to teach these guys some respect, huh 'guys'."

Double D's eyes widened, the Kankers were making a huge mistake, "They are gir-"

Eddy grabbed him and gagged him with his arm, "Shut up Double D! Stay out of this! We don't want to get involved!"

The Quarterback spat in the direction of the Kankers, "We don't like foreigners around here!"

May laughed, "Oh well 'Sucker-Blue' and wee-wee!"

Lee grinned, "Let's do this!"

Lee and Marie rushed the Quarterback, knocking him to the ground. Double D couldn't help but smile. He looked around, he saw that the other campers were beginning to cheer for the Kankers. As the other Lumpers went after the two girls, May pelted them with rocks from her slingshot.

After a few moments though, the two Lumpers managed to pry Marie and Lee from their leader. He then took the two by their heads and slammed them together, knocking them out cold. Double D winced at the sight of it.

Ed whispered, "Oh no! They're going to team up on May!"

Double D watched in horror as the three football players approached May. Alone against the three of them, she was no longer an imposing figure. Double D noticed that even Eddy seemed to look worried for her safety. They grabbed her, tossed her slingshot aside, and with a swift backhand, knocked her to the ground. Then they began kicking her as she cried in pain. She curled into a ball and shivered as they kicked.

Double D's fists were clenched, "This is sick. This is absolutely sick!" Something overcame him and he walked away from Ed and Eddy.

Ed cried, "What are you doing! I don't want you to die!"

"Lumpy's right Sockhead, get back here!"

Double D shouted, "Look at us, cowering in the shadows while these brutes are maiming somebody! A young girl to be exact!"

Eddy looked at Double D as if he was possessed, "SHE'S-A-KANKER!"

"I don't care! We should all be ashamed!" He looked over towards Pig-Pen and Peppermint Patty who were standing nearby, "I'm going to distract them, drag the Kankers to safety!" The two took a deep breath and nodded. Double D ran towards the discarded slingshot.

He began firing on the quarter back driving them towards him. He noticed from the corner of his eye that Peppermint Patty and Pig-Pen moved into position. He kept firing.

The Quarterback was seething with anger, "You didn't get enough from ten minutes ago! This time I'm going to do more than just make you shake you little wuss!" Double D braced himself for a triple beating. However he saw a rock smash into the head of a Lumper. They recoiled in pain and turned towards the other side of the camp. Linus was swinging his blanket over his head. He launched another rock in their direction. Double D was happy that somebody else was taking action.

The other two Lumpers went off in his direction. Linus had managed to mitigation Double D's beating, significantly, but it still was not going to be pleasant. The young boy closed his eyes as the Quarterback picked him up from off the ground.

…...

Thibault rubbed his hands together in excitement. The Kankers were being dragged away by the other kids, completely and utterly defeated. His cousin and his friends were making mincemeat out of Double D and Linus. The other campers were watching in terror.

Thibault had finally gotten what he wanted. Thibault controlled this camp.

…...To Be Continued...

_A/N: I suppose I have a thing for really obscure villains. From Peanuts we have Thibault and Joe Agate, who I admit have way too big of a role in my stories compared to their canon appearances. The Lemon Brook Lumpers from Ed Edd n Eddy are even worse. They can't even really be called characters. Since they are very obscure, if anybody wants to get to know any more about them, they appear in the Ed, Edd, n Eddy episode: Tight End Ed._


End file.
